


A Ghost from the Past

by knightcaptain_shae (fadewalker35)



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Best Friends, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Torture, Lyrium Addiction, Minor Character Death, Oblivious Cullen, Oblivious Inquisitor, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Requited Love, Slow Burn, ignoring our feelings, minor male trevelyan/dorian pavus, they're both idiots
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-06
Updated: 2016-02-28
Packaged: 2018-03-29 06:31:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 32
Words: 77,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3885940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fadewalker35/pseuds/knightcaptain_shae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She did not need to be saved. She was quite capable of that on her own. That did not mean he was not going to try anyway.</p><p>How much more pain would she have to put him through? He'd had enough to last a lifetime and all was because of her, at least that's what she thought. It was better for her to stay away but that was easier said than done.</p><p>Shaelan Trevelyan was Templar at Kinloch Hold during the Blight and was sent to home to Ostwick Circle in the aftermath.</p><p>After being left as the only survivor of the explosion at the Conclave she soon finds herself thrust into adversity and is reunited with a face from her past she did not think she'd ever see again.</p><p>POV shifts between Inquisitor and Cullen</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You Know What They Say About Assumptions

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first attempt of writing of this kind. Criticism is very much welcome. I apologize for any errors. I fixed as many as I could find. After seeing so many mage/Cullen pairings I got the idea. Why not a warrior? Even better why not a Templar? I hadn't seen it done so far. It would not leave my head so here it is. I know my writing might not be up to par to what I've seen posted but I'll try to improve. If you wish for me continue please let me know :)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Cullen makes assumptions and encounters an old friend

He had been watching impatiently ever since he had heard the prisoner was awake. He had lost too many men the past three days to demons coming from the rifts. He could only hope this elven apostate was correct and that the mysterious mark the prisoner possessed could help close them. If not, well, he did not want to imagine what would happen.

 

He had just started to give up hope when a hooded figure appeared in the distance.

 

“Cassandra is on her way with the prisoner,” Leliana stated as she approached.

 

“Good. I’m losing more men by the hour. We can’t hold on much longer. Does Cassandra think they may be able to stop the rifts?”

 

“I don’t know. It’s worth a shot. If not I’m sure the Templar will fight until their last breath against these demons. It’s too ingrained from their training to do otherwise,” she replied.

 

“Templar?! The prisoner is a Templar?” His eyes widened.

 

“Yes, apparently they were sent to the Conclave from the Ostwick Circle. Maybe they figured a noble born Templar might have more influence here.”

 

_Well they aren’t wrong,_ he thought darkly. Cullen had never been nobility’s biggest fan. “How is he? Will he be able to fight when he gets here?”

 

Leliana just gave a knowing smirk. “You’ll see for yourself soon enough, Commander.” She called back as she ran off again.

 

Why did Cullen suddenly feel like he was being made fun of? _Probably because I am knowing her._ Regardless he went and prepared he and his men for the next wave and prayed to the Maker that Cassandra got the prisoner here soon.

 

* * *

 

 

It was a little over an hour later before he could look up. The waves were becoming progressively longer and harder to deal with. His men were run ragged. He sent them back for a new set of soldiers while they waited. He should get some rest himself. He had barely slept the past three days. He was much too stubborn to so. He refused to ask his men to fight while he was not.

 

As the new group settled in to their positions, the signs of a new wave came from the rift. Soon there were demons everywhere. He readied himself and lunged after the first demon in his path. He made quick work of it and moved on to the next. He lost himself in the flow of the battle. The next thing he saw was a suit of Templar armor joining the fray. They immediately emerged themselves into the battle easily helping the soldiers and giving their side the momentum.

 

_He’s impressive._ He had never seen a Templar who was as agile and quick footed. He was making this look like child’s play. The prisoner lopped off the head of the last demon and the wave was over. Cullen started to make his way over to thank him when the elven apostate, Solas quickly approached. He quickly took hold of the prisoner’s marked hand shoved it into the sky. A beam of green connected the prisoner and the rift. Solas pulled back the prisoner’s arm and the rift was sealed.

 

“Thank the Maker,” he sighed in relief.

 

He watched as Varric, a dwarven rogue with a very unique crossbow named Bianca introduced himself with wink and bow. He had known Varric for some time. They had always seemed to run in to each other back in Kirkwall. He had run around with the Champion of Kirkwall back then. And wherever Hawke was that meant trouble was often not far behind.

 

He was more curious with how he would respond to Solas. Templars were taught not to trust mages from the time they started training. So he was shocked when he patted him on the back and shook Solas’s hand in thanks for keeping him alive the past three days. His shock was only overshadowed by Solas’s himself. His look of disdain had changed to shock and quickly to curious in the matter of seconds.

 

As the prisoner was introduced and plans were being discussed, he took the time to study the newcomer’s appearance. He was about 5’5” and much shorter than Cullen was to be honest. _He’s not very big either._ His build was not what he imagined but he knew that looks could be deceiving under all that armor. How has he not removed that helmet by now? He must be roasting after the fight.

 

Soon the party turned and Cassandra was leading the prisoner over to introduce to him. He straightened and stood tall. He was excited to meet a new brother, here of all places.

 

“Cassandra,” he started, “thank goodness you got here when you did. I don’t know how much longer we could have held them off.”

 

“Don’t think me Commander, thank the prisoner,” Cassandra remarked.

 

“In that case, thank you Ser-?” He realized then that nobody had bothered to tell him the prisoner’s name.

 

With an oddly feminine chuckle, they reached up and removed their helmet. A long braid fell past their shoulders. Cullen raised his eyes to theirs and was shocked at what he saw. He felt like he was seeing her in the tower all over again.

 

He was at loss for words. He had never considered her to be a woman after he had found out she was a Templar. He had just assumed that it would be a man. There were female recruits sure but they were few and far between. She reminded him of the night sky. Her was the color of the moon, a white blonde that was braided intricately down the side while short loose curls fell around her ears. Her skin was pale that matched her hair perfectly. Her eyes were a dark purple like the night sky and a had twinkle in them that reminded him of the stars. A light blush of red filled her cheeks. Black coal on her eyes was a stark contrast that brought out her features more. He thought he would never see her again and in this moment he was happy to be wrong.

 

“Speechless, I see,” She giggled.

 

“Shaelan?”

 

“The one and only. Although I am insulted you didn’t recognize my technique immediately. We trained together too often. Unacceptable.” She winked.

 

“Forgive me, my lady,” as he flourished into a mocking bow.

 

She scoffed, “Ugh, you know I absolutely hate that. Knock it off, Rutherford or I’ll have to kick your ass.”

 

“You could very well try, but you’ll see I’ve much improved since we last met.” He retorted.

 

“I’ll have to test that out for myself, you know when the world isn’t ending.” 

 

“We will indeed.” He smirked.

 

“Has anyone told that smirk is much sexier now with the new scar?” she teased.

 

He blushed deeply. **Damn woman.** “I-uh, well…”

 

She beamed. “And you still stutter when you’re flustered! Adorable.”

 

 “Maker’s breath,” he murmured.

 

The comment earned him a wider grin. She turned and walked back to where the others were standing. She shot him one last smirk over her shoulder as the group continued towards the Breach. He shook his head. Maker, watch over us all.

 

           

 


	2. Waking up in Haven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we get a flashback and Shaelan wakes up in Haven

_Another late night patrol, just what I wanted. At least the company isn’t terrible. She glanced over at her partner for the evening. Cullen was discussing the goings on of the tower. She had only just been assigned to Kinloch Hold after completing her training and was being shown the ropes by one of the most attractive men she had ever seen._

_His blonde hair was unruly and curly. She often found herself getting lost in those honey colored eyes when he talked and when he smirked she damn near melted. She was snapped out of her reverie when she noticed he had stop walking a couple of paces back._

_He was staring at her. **Great he’s asked me a question and I definitely didn’t hear it.** He’s going to think I’m an idiot._

_“I’m sorry, Ser Cullen. Did you say something?”_

_He chuckled, “I asked if you’ve been shown the library yet.”_

_“Not yet. I haven’t had the opportunity.”_

_He opened the door on his right. “Follow me then.”_

_She obeyed and followed him into the most impressive library she had ever seen. She was awestruck. Shaelan had always loved books. When she was younger, she would always sneak away to a quiet area on the estate grounds and emerge herself in a book. Her swords master would find her that way hours later before forcing her back to train. It was not that she did not like swordsplay, quite the opposite really. She just found a when she was deeply engrossed in a book she could not put it down willingly._

_“Impressive isn’t it,” Cullen smirked, noticing the expression on her face._

_**Damn him and that gorgeous smirk**. It was going to end up killing her. She sighed, “It is indeed. I could lose myself in here and be perfectly happy.”_

_“I felt the same when I first arrived. It became my refuge of sorts.” He admitted.  
_

**_A man after my own heart._ ** _He coughed to bring her focus back to him. She needed to focus. Why was he having this affect on her? “It’s here where study hall and some lessons are held for the apprentices,” he hesitated, “It’s also where most apprentices sneak off to after hours to, um, fraternize.”_

_She grinned mischievously. The man could talk confidently about any subject but the mention of sex and he’s a blushing fool. **This will be too much fun.**_

_“Fraternize?” she questioned._

_“Umm, yes. You-you know what I mean,” he mumbled. If he turned any redder she would probably worry.  
_

 

_“I’m afraid I don’t. If I’m to know what I need to be putting an end to I’ll need you to elaborate more,” she stated innocently, batting her eyelashes.  
_

_He brought his hand up and started rubbing the back of his neck. He was clearly embarrassed and that fact endeared her to him all the more._

_He finally took a deep breath before blurting out, “Theyhavesexwitheachother!”_

_It took everything with in her to hold back her grin. His words were a jumbled mess. She knew exactly what he said and what he meant. She already loved torturing the poor man. His reactions were too priceless. Shaelan cocked her head to the side as if she hadn’t understood._

_“I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that.”_

_He sighed. “They have-” He stopped as it dawned on him what she was doing. He blushed again. “Are teasing me, Trevelyan?” he asked accusingly._

_She burst into a fit of laughter she had been fighting. “I’m sorry. Your stammering is adorable and you blush too prettily. I could not resist.”_

_“Maker’s breath! I-well, that is…”  
_

_She snorted. “It’s alright, Cullen. I’ve embarrassed you enough for one evening. Now come, finish showing me the tower.”_

_Relief washed across his face. He bowed to her formerly. **Great, he knows I’m from a noble family.** She had tried her hardest to hide that from him. She hated being treated differently just because of her station. Only after he lifted his face did she realize…was he was mocking her?_

_“Of course, my lady.” He smiled slyly.  
_

_She scoffed. “I am no lady, Rutherford. If you ever bow to me again I will have to hurt you.”_

_He put his hand up to his heart in mock hurt. “You wound me, my lady.”_

_“Not yet I haven’t and no more my lady. I hate that.”_

_He just smirked and proceeded farther into the library. She just shook her head and smiled to herself before she followed. Yes, this was going to fun indeed._

* * *

Shaelan woke up in an unfamiliar cabin. The last thing she remembered was trying to seal the rift at the Breach and then nothing. **I must have passed out.** She was instantly embarrassed. She was a Templar, or was one. She had faced much worse injuries and battles and yet she had fainted without warning over a small bit of magic.

 

She moaned and propped herself on her elbows to get a better look around the room. It was small but suitable. It was much better than sharing barracks with a bunch of men that was for sure. All of the sudden the door opened and an elf walked in completely oblivious of the cabins only occupant watching her. She turned her head to the bed and squealed, dropping the box in her hand.

 

“My lady!”

 

She held in a groan. **Not more of this my lady nonsense.** Before Shaelan could respond the elf threw herself on the ground in a worshipful bow. She convinced the young city elf to stand up and tell her what was going on. After she had left Shaelan got out of bed and starting putting on the clothing that was laid out for her. Her Templar armor was completely ruined after the explosion and the journey to seal the rifts. She was not sad to see the flaming sword of the armor gone. As soon as the rebellions broke out she had seen horrific things done by her brothers in arms and she no longer wished to be associated with them.

 

Her new outfit would take some getting used to. Tight brown leather pants hugged her curves and muscles. Matching leather boots buckled up the sides and came up stopped just below her knees. A leather jerkin over top of a white tunic that cut low and accentuated her breasts finished off the look. It definitely was not to her tastes but she did admit it suited her. She had not worn anything but armor in over a decade and the lightness of the leather was disconcerting. She made her way to the door and noticed a warm cloak on the hook waiting for her. It was a beautiful shade of deep purple meant to match the color of her eyes. She draped it over her shoulders and slipped on a pair of snoufleur gloves that were inside of one of the pockets.

 

As soon as she was dressed, she was off to the Chantry. A Seeker meant bad news in the best of times. If one showed up at a Circle you just knew something was wrong. Shaelan was not to keen on keeping an impatient and irritated Cassandra waiting.


	3. Turning the Tables

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Shaelan is the Herald and she’s not pleased with the idea

Shaelan left the Chantry in a foul mood. Not only had she met the ever-charming Chancellor Rodrick who still vehemently swore she was still guilty, but she was now some kind of holy figure to the common people. Sure she believed in the Maker, she could recite any Canticle that you asked of her but the Herald of Andraste? The universe had a sick sense of humor.

 

She stormed towards the sound of swords. She needed to hit the shit out of something before she lost all control. Sparring and training was always her go-to to blow off steam, even when she was still a recruit. Nothing felt better than knocking someone on their ass over and over again. It almost always a guy and they were almost always bigger than her. Somehow that just made the satisfaction that much sweeter.

 

When she reached the area being used as the training yard she stripped off the cloak. The winter wind bit into the thin cotton of her tunic but she ignored it. The cold was the least of her worries. She picked up a spare shield and blunted sword and moved to find a victim.

 

* * *

 

 Cullen was stuck inside his tent. He found every time he left he came back to larger piles of paperwork. He rubbed the bridge of his nose trying to relieve some of the tension that had been building since he sat down earlier this morning. Josephine would have his head if he did not at least get through some of the reports she had left for him, so here he sat.

 

He had just signed off one report and was reaching for another when he heard yells and cheers coming from a distance. He sighed and got up to inspect the noise. There was no way he would get anything more done until the commotion was over. He slowly made his way towards the training ring where a number of his recruits were gathered watching whoever was inside.

 

As he drew closer he saw a flash of a silver braid and smiled. **Of course it would be her out here disrupting training.** He felt sorry for the man who had volunteered to go against her. He had lost many sparring matches against Shaelan Trevelyan, not that he would admit it. She was cunning, agile but also strong and fierce. She used her lithe frame to outmaneuver her foes. Cullen had never met another warrior quite like her. 

 

He blended in with the growing crowd and settled as the pair began sizing each other up. Cullen took the opportunity to appreciate Shaelan’s attire. He had hardly ever seen her out of her armor when they were in Ferelden and nothing that was quite so revealing. She looked like sin incarnate. Exactly the kind of sin that the desire demon had tempted him with and now haunted his nightmares. Every muscle and every curve was on display and he found he could not look away.

 

He had always thought her beautiful; he had a bit of a crush on her when they were in the Circle. Looking at her now he could tell the feelings still lingered. He had endured her endless teasing when she caught him looking at her for longer than was appropriate. She had never seen him as more than a friend and had never made a move or shown enough interest to make him brave enough to tell her how he felt.

 

Honestly he thought he would never see her again after they were sent their separate ways. The things he had said to her after she and the Hero of Fereldan found him after being tortured were not kind. Cullen was ashamed of the way he acted, of the way he spoke to her. It was not like she had not endured the same hell. After everything she had been through her first thought was to rescue him. Her friendship was not something he deserved. from this moment forward he swore he would do everything he could to be what she needed. He would not let her down again.

 

* * *

 

They circled each other measuring each other up. His footwork was sloppy and his form was appalling. This was not going to take long. He made his move first charging at her, which she easily sidestepped. He almost lost his balance as he missed her causing a few of the recruits watching to snicker. He turned immediately and lunged which she easily blocked with her shield. He kept up the offensive while she lazily blocked each blow.

 

After a time she got bored of being on the defensive. As the recruit hit her shield again, she put all her weight behind her shield and pushed. The force and surprise put him off balance. Shaelan immediately pressed the advantage. She began attacking with out mercy. The recruit was having trouble blocking and was taking several hits to the body which would have severely wounded him had she been using a real blade. He moved closer and she bashed her shield into him throwing him off balance. She swept him off his feet in one graceful motion and pointed her sword at his throat.

 

He stared at her wide-eyed and raised his hands. “Yield! I yield, my lady.”

 

She just rolled her eyes and helped the poor lad to his feet. “I’m not a lady. Now go see a healer. Some of those bruises look nasty.”

 

He just nodded and ran off leaving Shaelan alone in the ring. She exited and was depositing her gear when she heard a familiar voice ask, “What did that poor recruit ever do to you?”

 

She beamed. She would know that voice anywhere. It still made her heart race after all these years. She turned and saw him smirking at her. Cullen Rutherford stood before her arms crossed and hint of amusement lit across his features. He had changed much since Kinloch Hold. He was grown now.

 

All his boyish features gone after years of battle. His jaw was chiseled. His curly locks vanished into a slicked back style. She long to run her fingers through just to watch them spring around her fingers. He had broad shoulders and she just knew hidden under all that armor muscles rippled his entire body. What she wouldn’t give to strip off that armor and see every one of them.

 

She had been so unabashedly checking him out that he had to clear his throat to draw attention back to his face. She blushed knowing she’d been caught. He was still smirking at her. **Damn him**. That had always been her weakness and now that scar just made it all the more attractive. Maker help her.

 

She shrugged. “He was just a scapegoat. I’d much rather it have been Rodrick but seeing as he was unavailable, I made due.”

 

Cullen laughed. She hadn’t heard him laugh in a long time. Not since before the blood mages had taken over the Circle. He was not himself after it happened and understandably so. She had not blamed him or was angry at what he had said to her after they had found him. After all this time it was a wonderful sound to hear. “I understand the sentiment. The man could make even the most even tempered person irate with his holier than thou rambling.”

 

She crossed her arms. “Well you’d think he’d at least be grateful. I did just save the world, albeit temporarily.”

 

“Give him time, Herald. The townsfolk worship the ground you walk on, it unnerves him.”

 

She flinched at the use of her new title. “Not you too. In that sentiment I very much agree with Roderick. I am not the Herald of Andraste. Of all people, I need you to treat me like I’m not the woman incarnate. **Please** , Cullen. I couldn’t take it if my only friend here treated me differently.”

 

He just stared at her in astonishment. Then broke into a slow grin. “You do realize you just said please right?”

 

She raised her eyebrow. “Yeah…what of it?”

 

He laughed. “It’s just the entire time I’ve known you I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say please.”

 

“Rutherford I swear-“

 

He cut her off. “I’m done Shae, I swear. I don’t want to incur your wrath as well.”

 

She smirked. “Because you know what’s good for you.”

 

He just rolled his eyes.

 

“What is it, Commander? Don’t think you could take me?”

 

He walked closer to her until he was inches from her. He brought his mouth her ear and whispered, “Oh trust me, Shaelan. If I wanted to take you, I could.”

 

She shivered at the implication. He straightened,  looking at her smugly before turning around and strutting back towards his tent.

 

Heat rushed to her face. After all those years it was now she who was reduced to the blushing fool. How had that happened?

 


	4. We Don't Like Nobles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we have our first war table meeting and we find out something about the Herald

Shaelan woke the next morning from a knock on her door. She lamented at the disturbance. She was exhausted. Her dreams had made sleeping difficult and she had just dozed into a somewhat peaceful slumber.

 

“Who is it?” she called out, unwilling to leave the comfort of her bed just yet.

 

“Message from Seeker Pentaghast, Your Worship. She wishes for you to meet her in the war room as soon as possible.”

 

She stifled a groan. **Of course she does.** “Tell her I’ll be there soon.”

 

“Yes, Your Worship!”

 

She threw her pillow over her head and screamed in frustration. Could she not get one days rest before being bombarded with duty? Slowly she rose from bed and began preparing for what was most likely going to be another unpleasant meeting. As she worked the clasp of cloak she noticed a small tremor in her hands and cursed.

 

It had been little less than a week since she had taken lyrium. The potent substance had been part of her life since she had taken her vows over a decade ago. She knew what the risk of trying to break the lyrium leash was. She knew she risked madness even death but she was determined. She was a Templar no longer and wanted no part in that vile drug.

 

After dressing, Shae made her way through Haven. It was a humble village. It most definitely could not hold an army. Already she could see signs of overpopulation and they had barely begun this Inquisition. The townsfolk stopped and bowed as she passed. She felt uncomfortable under their gaze. Whispers of prayers and blessings touched her ears as she made her way closer to the Chantry. In no way did she feel worthy of worship and if they knew her at all they would agree. She had not asked for this mark on her hand, she just happened to be unlucky winner of fate. And the people thought this made her holy. She shuddered.

 

Entering the war room was a relief. She sighed as the feeling of her every move being scrutinized disappeared. Why she did not think of this refuge sooner was beyond her. She approached the large table that stood in the center of the room. Maps of Orlais and Fereldan adorned it along with various reports and markers.

 

She was twirling a marker in her hand when the small tremor started again. She huffed in frustration. She was going to have to tell her new advisors about her choice eventually but not yet. Right now there were more pressing issues she needed to address. Guilt flooded her. How had she not thought to ask after her brothers immediately after waking? **That probably says something about my character.** She inhaled deeply trying to compose herself when the door slammed open.

 

* * *

 

 

Cullen was the last to enter the war room. He closed the door and took a spot directly across from Shae. She did not look well. She was paler than usual and there was small hint of worry and grief was etched into her face. He knew the others could not see it, how could they? How could they notice the subtle changes in her demeanor. He had known her longer, had known her expressions like the back of his hand. Surely she was not worried about the meeting was she?

 

When Shae raised her head and noticed him standing there she visibly relaxed. Cullen took a strange sort of pride in the fact that he had that effect on her, that he could help her just by his presence alone. After a few moments Cassandra started making introductions to the members present.

 

“Herald, this is Comm-“ Cassandra started before she was interrupted.

 

“I know who he is Seeker. Cullen and I go way back don’t we Commander?” she winked.

 

“I-uh, yes. We were stationed together in the Ferelden Circle during the Blight.” He admitted uncomfortably.

 

She just giggled. “Oh, we know each other _much_ better than that.” She let the implication hang in the air. Payback for the other he guessed. He blushed.  Josephine looked scandalized and Leliana just looked amused.

 

He was turning a deeper shade of red. “Oh for the love of- we’re just friends alright?!” He protested. Leliana and Shaelan snickered while their ambassador tried her best to keep a straight face much to his gratitude.

 

He could feel his face starting to burn. **Damn her.** He was doing so well at not behaving like a fool. “Last time I checked, friends did not feel the need to torture each other.” He muttered as he crossed his arms faking a pout.

 

It was not as though he were embarrassed of her implication, quite the opposite. He had fantasized about her often in the Circle and even after being sent to Kirkwall. Taking her pliant lips against his as he pushed her against a wall. Slowly stripping her of her clothing as he teased his lips across the newly revealed skin. He would make her beg, make her moan his name before he- **Really, Rutherford? Mind out of the gutter.** He could feel his erection forming from the thought alone. 

 

“Oh Commander, when I’m torturing you you’ll know,” she purred. If he wasn’t blushing before he definitely was now. She bit her bottom lip, bracing her palms on the table and leaned over just enough to where he had a good view over her breast popping out of her shirt. He had to stifle a groan.

 

 **Maker**. Did she have any idea what she did to him? He could feel his pants straining at the sight. He abruptly looked away forcing himself to snap out of it. **Damn woman.** If he got through this meeting without embarrassing himself further it would be a miracle.

 

Cassandra cleared her throat to bring attention back to the introductions. “If you’re quite done teasing the Commander, Herald?”

 

Shae moved back into her relaxed stance. “For now.” She smirked at him.

 

Cassandra let out a disgusted noise. “This is our ambassador, Josephine Montilyet,” she said directing Shae’s attention from him.

 

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Josephine and I am quite sorry.”

 

Josephine looked surprised. “Whatever are you sorry for, Herald? I do not recall you giving me any offense.”

 

Shae just smiled slyly. “No, but I most likely will in the future. Nobles are not my favorite people. I just wanted to get the apologies out of the way ahead of time.” She shrugged.

 

He snorted. Shae gave him a knowing look. That was an understatement.

 

_It was one of the rare days where both he and Shaelan were off duty. She had been adamant about getting a drink, dragging him quite literally with her. Alcohol was not something he preferred. He always wished to maintain a clear head but for her…for her he had more than enough to have him very drunk._

_They talked for hours just enjoying each other’s company. For a time he could almost forget where they were and what they had chosen. A life in service to the Chantry with no real hope of companionship outside of the bonds between those they served with. Her face was flushed with drink. She had forgone her armor for more casual attire much to his delight. Cullen could see curves that armor hid. The drink was making his actions brazen. He was saying things and touching her in ways he would not normally allow himself. The surprising part was she was actually letting him do so._

_“We need another round, I’ll be right back.” He kissed her cheek and made his was to the bar._

_He had just ordered their drinks when a noblemen passing through the area staggered up to the table. His eyes immediately drank in Shaelan, not caring how brazen he was being. The look he had in his eye set Cullen immediately on edge. He did not like what he saw there. The man looked like he was going to have his way with her whether Shae said yes on not._

_“Hey there, beautiful,” he slurred as he grazed her face with the back of his hand._

_Cullen clenched his fist. The man had nerve touching her without permission.  
_

_“I would prefer if you did not touch me, my lord.” Shaelan said as she flinched away from his touch. Barely concealed anger flashed behind her eyes._

_The man ignored her and started dragging his hand up and down the length of her body. “Come on now, sweetheart. Don’t be like that. I think you’d rather enjoy my touch once we get better acquainted.”_

_How she had not made the man bleed yet was beyond him. He knew he was about to on principle alone. She had said no and yet the man showed no signs of stopping._

_“I said piss off!” She yelled as she pushed him off of her sending him stumbling a couple of steps. Something snapped in the man’s eyes. Before Cullen could react the noblemen had a handful of her hair and was yanking her out of her seat._

_“What a mouth you have on you.” He growled. “How about I take you outside and see what else that pretty little mouth of yours can do?”_

_He started closing in. That was it. No one was going to touch her or treat her like that. She was his to protect and he was not about to let some pompous asshole take her. Once he got his hands on him the man was dead. He was stopped by a group of the mans friends. He soon lost track of Shae in the chaos as his fists made quick work of the cronies. He searched frantically for them but they had disappeared.  
_

 

_He bolted out the door. He spotted them near the barn and took off. He could see her stuggling. It made his determination to kill the man that much stronger. Before he could reach them however, Shae drove her elbow into his stomach releasing her from his grip and caused the ass to double over at the waist._

_“Bitch!” he spat. “You’ll pay for that.”_

_“You think so?” She said darkly. She brought her knee up to collide with his face. He grunted in pain as he fell to the floor. She was on him in an instant punching him over and over. Cullen let her get in a few more hits before grabbing her and hauling her off of him before he took his turn. The man was a bloodied mess. His face was barely recognizable and his breath was wavering.  
_

 

_"Cullen!" He felt her arms on him, trying to pull him off the lord. He was nothing but unbridled fury._

 

_"C-Cullen, stop." She begged. It was that that had him relent. He turned to face her and it nearly broke his heart. She was on the verge of collapse. He had never seen her so vulnerable. He disengaged and strode towards her. She immediately wrapped her arms around him when he neared. He bent and placed one arm behind the knees and the other to cradle her neck as he lifted her gently into his arms. He carried her back towards the boat to take them back to the Circle._

_After a ways he stopped and put her down to get a better look at her. Her hair was disheveled and she was visibly shaking, whether it was with anger or some other emotion he did not know. Her clothing was ripped and her lip cut. He took her hands in his to examine the damage done. Her knuckles were cut and red from the abuse she had inflicted on the noble’s face. His had not fared any better.  
_

_“Shae." He murmured like a prayer, drawing her gaze to his. "Are you alright?” he asked concerned more for her emotional well being than anything. Knuckles would heal, hair could be fixed but emotional trauma could damage the soul._

_She just smiled at him weakly. “Always my hero, aren’t you Cullen? I’ll be fine let’s just get back okay?”_

_He didn’t believe her but he would not push her. He wrapped his arm around her and led her into the boat to cross the lake. He made to release himself from her but she pulled him closer. He did not protest, instead he squeezed her tighter to his to chest taking in her light scent of lavender and vanilla and committing it to memory. He was determined to enjoy the closeness she offered for as long as he could for he knew she would not let him hold her like this again._

“I thank you for the warning ahead of time Herald.” Josephine remarked pulling him out of his memory, “Perhaps I could assist you in learning to deal with them if you’d like?”

 

Shae tried to hide her grimace but he saw through her mask immediately. He knew she was remembering the night at the tavern. She forced a smile. “Of course, Josephine.”

 

“And the last of your advisors,” Cassandra said, “I believe you and Leliana have met as well?”

 

“Yes, just the once when she came with Amell to the tower. It’s good to see you under better circumstances.” Shae nodded.

 

“Likewise. My position here involves a degree of…”

 

“She is our spymaster.” Cassandra spoke bluntly. She’s obviously wanted to hurry and get to discussing business.

 

“Yes. Tactfully put, Cassandra.” Leliana sighed in annoyance.

 

Cullen settled in trying to ignore the dull pain of a headache forming and prayed this meeting was short.

 

* * *

 

 “Now that we have that over with can we get to the business at hand?” Cassandra asked irritably.

 

Shae very much agreed. The quicker this meeting was over, the sooner she could hit something or someone with her sword.

 

“According to Solas, your mark needs more power before we can attempt to seal the Breach.” Cassandra continued.

 

“Which means we need to approach the rebel mages for help,” Leliana suggested.

 

She tensed and noticed Cullen do the same. She held nothing against the mages like many Templar did, far from it. Her older brother Alec was a mage. She felt the guilt start to bubble to the surface again.

 

“It’s not that I have a problem with the mages, it’s just…wouldn’t more power poured into this mark just make things worse?” She inquired.

 

“And people call me the pessimist,” Cassandra scoffed.

 

“I agree with Shae. The Templars could serve just as well,” Cullen said.

 

Cassandra sighed, “We need power, Commander. Enough power poured into that mark-"

 

“Could destroy her,” Cullen grumbled vehemently, “It could destroy us all. The Templars could suppress the power of the Breach, weaken it so she could have a chance.”

 

“Pure speculation,” Leliana replied coolly.

 

“We were Templars. We know how capable they are.”

 

Leliana went to open her mouth but she cut her off immediately. They both meant well but Cullen’s protectiveness with her was driving the anger out of him.

 

“Enough! Do I not get a say? There is no way I can make a definitive choice right now regardless. I-there’s something you all need to know.” She sighed. She did not want to have this conversation.

 

“Shae?” Cullen gave her a concerned look.

 

“Do you remember me telling you about my brothers?”

 

“Of course I do. Alec was sent to Ostwick Circle after his powers manifested and Reed was sent to the White Spire when he completed his Templar training.” Cullen answered immediately. She was shocked he remembered a conversation from so long ago.

 

“Right. Well, one of the main reasons I chose to be at the Conclave was to meet up with them both. After the uprisings, I whisked Alec out of the tower. The three of us had not been together since our childhood. It was to be a family reunion of sorts.”

 

She felt tears start to build up in her eyes but she willed them back. Now was not the time.

 

“I don’t know if they’re alive. I don’t know if they were in the Temple when the explosion occurred. If there’s a chance that either of them is alive how can I choose a faction to side with if my family is on the other side?” She finished in a whisper.

 

Cullen’s look of shock soon turned to guilt and then sympathy. She looked away. She did not need that from him.

 

“I’ll put my best men on the job, Herald. If they live we will find them,” Leliana said finally breaking the silence.

 

“Thank you, now if you will please excuse me.”

 

She turned and ran from the room. She needed to be alone, needed to cry and she did not want complete strangers to witness her grief.

 

Cullen yelled after her but she did not stop. She just kept going, hoping to outrun the pain.


	5. No Power on Earth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Shaelan has nightmares and needs a distraction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't exactly sure with this chapter but I was tired of looking at it. So here it is! I hope it's not too terrible

He knew she would run the moment he saw the unshed tears in her eyes. She loved Reed and Alec more than anything. She told stories of them often when they were in the Circle. The three were as thick as thieves before the manifestation of Alec’s powers ripped them apart. If they were both gone, he could not imagine the pain Shaelan would endure.

 

She ran, taking her pain with her. She would never allow anyone to see her so vulnerable. Not even him. He called after her but if she heard him she did not stop. He made his way around the table without a second thought.

 

“Commander we need to talk about-“

 

“Not now, Leliana.” He growled and bolted out the door after Shae.

 

He knew looking for her would be in vain but that did not stop him from trying. He searched Haven from top to bottom with no success. He was beginning to worry. Surely she hadn’t run off in the middle of winter in the Frostbacks. After a couple hours of searching he gave up. If she did not wish to be found, then she wouldn’t be.

 

He started back to his tent, shoulders slumped in defeat. He hoped the awaiting reports would distract him. The pile had become precariously high and if he did not do something about them soon Josephine would have his head. He strolled past the training grounds, informing his second in command Knight-Captain Rylen that he was not to be disturbed unless they had located the Herald.

 

He opened the flap of his tent and froze. Curled up in his bed was Shae. All that was visible beneath his furs was her silver blonde hair. His worry immediately evaporated. Quietly, he crept forward and perched himself on the edge of the bed. She was sleeping peacefully. Tear marks stained her face and he could see the dark rings forming under her eyes but otherwise she seemed whole. **Why is she not sleeping?** **  
**

 

He brushed a loose strand of hair out of her face before rising and heading for his desk. He was determined to let her get rest. He could give her that much. Pulling the first report in the pile to him he set to work, now relieved he asked not to be disturbed. He paused looking up over at the sleeping figure in his bed wondering why she had chosen his tent as a refuge.

 

He shook his head; he shouldn’t read more into it. **This wasn’t the way I thought I’d get her into my bed.** He had imagined her there more than he cared to admit. Ever since her reappearance, he found he could keep his mind from little else. No, he would not allow his thoughts go there. The demons had enough to torture him without those thoughts. It was an unreciprocated feeling.They were friends in her eyes and nothing more would come of it. He would not risk their friendship. He’d rather have this little part of her than no part at all. He turned back to his desk and put his quill to paper, ignoring the sense of longing in his chest.

 

* * *

 

Cullen was halfway through the monstrous stack of reports when a whimper drew his attention. He turned towards the bed, startled to hear such a noise come from Shae. He felt as if he were intruding on something he should not be witness to. He quickly shook the thought from his mind as he crossed the distance between the desk and the bed. If she did not want him to see her like this she wouldn’t be here.

 

She was still asleep, albeit fitfully. Involuntary whimpers escaped her regularly now. It tore at his heart. He could imagine what was coercing those noises from her. He knew she would be embarrassed had she known he had heard. She was not to show pain or grief; she thought it showed weakness and as the only female Templar in the tower that was not an option. The moment it showed, the others would have eaten her alive.

 

He had never thought this true. It was not healthy for her to keep all of her emotions locked inside to build and build until she broke. She was like a dam that kept back the flow of a raging river but with every rainfall the dam’s fortifications slowly cracked under the added pressure.

 

A light sheen of sweat was visible on her face. She looked a lot like a lyrium deprived husk of himself when he was woken from his numerous nightmares. Whatever she was dreaming was not pleasant. He lowered himself on the edge of bed careful not to wake her. He wanted to desperately, to let her know it was not real. To let her know he was here to keep her safe. He resisted. He did not know the state of her dreams and he did not want to be on the receiving end of a violent fit.

 

As if summoned by his thoughts, she shot up out of bed wakened abruptly from her nightmare. "Cullen!" She gasped clutching her chest as if it were going to explode. It took all his reflexes to keep her from head-butting him. He had not realized how close he leaned forward while observing her.

 

 “Shh, I’m here Shae. I’m right here.” He cooed taking her into his arms, holding her tightly to his chest. “You’re safe. I’ve got you.”

 

He felt her tense at his sudden contact, still waking from her dream. Her muscles relaxed when she heard his voice. After she calmed, he pulled her back from his chest so he could look at her.

 

Her eyes welled up with tears. “Cullen…”

 

He wiped a stray tear from her cheek as she continued. “You were dead. You were all dead and it was all my f-fault!” She cried, voice trembling from the emotions she tried to push back down.

 

“It wasn’t real. I’m here, I’m alright.” He shushed her as he pulled her back into his chest. The thought that she was this upset over the thought of losing him wrenched his gut. There was no way she felt the same. The thought of losing Reed and Alec had brought this out of her, nothing more.

 

She continued without hearing. “I watched you all die. I couldn’t save you.” She took a deep breath. “I dreamt Alec was slain at Ostwick the night the Rite of Annulment was invoked. I didn’t reach him fast enough. I watched as a brother in arms drove a sword through him. To see him laying in a pool of his blood-I…”

 

She started to quake again. He tried to reassure her. “You saved him. You saved Alec that night. You got him out of the tower before any of that can happen. It wasn’t real.”

 

She shook her head. “Reed died in the explosion. I watched as he was blown to bits while I was saved. I screamed trying to get whoever saved me to help him, save him instead and before I knew it, it all disappeared.”

 

“You don’t have to tell me any more if it causes you pain.” He whispered.

 

She looked up him. Those violet eyes searing into him. She looked at him like she was afraid he would disappear, like if she blinked he would cease to be.

 

“Of course it causes me pain, Cullen. I saw you…” She choked on her words. “You died for me. You traded my life for yours. I watched as Uldred took a knife across your throat. I saw the life leave your eyes. I held you in my arms as you faded away."

 

"You left me." She muttered. "You left me alone in the world. How could you!” She cried angrily as she beat his breastplate. 

 

He was stunned into silence. How could she think he would willingly leave her? He would never. He held her tighter in his arms.

 

“If I lose them, if I lose you…”

 

“You won’t.” he said adamantly.

 

“But-”

 

“Shae,” he interrupted, “It wasn’t real. I am real. You, here in my arms is real. There is no power on this earth or beyond the Fade that could keep me from you.”

 

His confession startled her out of her grief. She looked up at him with wide eyes. Her mouth slowly formed a brilliant smile that left him breathless.

 

“You promise?” She uttered.

 

“Of course, I do. I could never let anyone else endure your endless teasing. That’s my job.” He gave her a half smirk.

 

She laughed, pushing him away from her. He immediately missed her presence. Her absence almost overwhelmed him. “Alright, Rutherford. Help me up. I’ve done quite enough blubbering. It’s unnerving.”

 

He helped her out of his bed. She started straightening her appearance as he made his way back to his desk. After readjusting her braid she made his way to the flap of the tent. Before she departed, she looked at him over her shoulder. “Thank you, Cullen. And if you tell anyone what just happened I will have to kill you.”

 

He just chuckled. “I wouldn’t dream of it, my lady.”

 

She gave him a halfhearted scowl, stuck out her tongue and exited the tent. The scent of lavender and vanilla had nestled into his fur cloak. Every time he shifted he could smell her. He settled back into his desk knowing that his attempt to work would be fruitless.

 

* * *

 

 

Shaelan made her way to Leliana’s tent. She felt better after she woke up in Cullen’s bed. He had stayed with her and comforted her in her moment of weakness. She was slightly embarrassed at her display. Showing her fears and crying was not something she did, not even as a child. So why had she run to his tent for comfort?

 

_There is no power on this earth or beyond the Fade that could keep me from you._

 

His words rang through her head and brought heat to her cheeks. Was it possible that he felt the same for her as she did for him? **No, he was just trying to make me feel better.** She would not get her hopes up over something said in comfort.

 

The light was leaving the sky as she entered the spymasters’ tent. She had lost the entire day and she berated herself for doing so. The red haired woman looked up from a letter as Shae approached.

 

“Herald.” She nodded.

 

“Leliana.” She reciprocated the motion. “I wanted to come by and thank you properly for looking for my siblings. They mean a great deal to me. Running from the room was selfish of me.”

 

Leliana studied her. “It was unexpected." And then as if she had already dismissed the topic. "Can you tell me what they look like? It will help my scouts to know what they are looking for. Should we be looking for similar features to yours?”

 

She chuckled humorlessly. “No. My brothers look nothing like me. They are tall, dark skinned, dark brown hair and light grey eyes. They look much like my oldest brother Finley and my father.”

 

“You have another brother? Should I look for him as well?” She inquired.

 

“Absolutely not. Fin is safe in Ostwick as the heir apparent of the Trevelyan household. I’d rather not having any dealings with him or my father.” She said darkly.

 

“As you wish,” Leliana responded, “I already have my best people on the situation.”

 

“Thank you, but now I need another favor from you if I could.”

 

Leliana raised a brow but said nothing.

 

“I need something to do. I can’t just sit here on my hands and wait for news. Give me anything useful to do,” she begged.

 

“Actually a Mother Giselle tending to the refugees in the Hinterlands has asked to speak with you.”

 

“Why would she want to speak with me after the Chantry’s denouncement?” she asked confused.

 

“She seems to want to help. She knows those involved far better than I. Her assistance with the Chantry would be invaluable.”

 

“Very well, I’ll speak with her.” She agreed.

 

“The Inquisition also needs mounts. Master Dennet is said to have the best horses this side of the Frostbacks. See if you can’t convince him to join,” Leliana added, “Also fade rifts have been cropping up all over the area, it would be wise to close them while you are there.”

 

“I asked for a distraction, not a laundry list,” she laughed.

 

The red headed rogue gave her a small smile. “Well, you did ask for a distraction. This well keep you more than preoccupied while I search.”

 

“Thank you, I’ll leave at first light. Can you inform whoever else needs to be prepared for the journey?”

 

She nodded. Acknowledging her dismissal, Shae retreated from the tent and made her way back to her cabin. She needed to pack. And she hoped for a full night’s rest, one without nightmares of her loved ones lying dead in her arms.


	6. Distractions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we get our nickname, kill some things, and get a story around the campfire

_Nightingale_ ,

 

_The Storyteller has deemed my codename Violet. As long as it’s not Templar, I will not protest too much. He and the Seeker have bickered the entire trip. If you don’t send word of news soon I’m afraid he will be the causality in a horrible, horrible "accident"._

_As per your request, I have made contact with the Mother and the Horsemaster. Both are on their way with precious cargo. Make sure to alert the Diplomat of their arrival. You failed to mention the discord between the mages and Templars here. We can barely take a couple of steps without running into one or another._

_We’ll deal with that as well while we’re here. They attack indiscriminately and I will not have innocent refugees killed in their foolish skirmishes. Hoping to hear news soon._

_Violet_

* * *

 

Leliana had not lied when she sent her to the Hinterlands. The task at hand was enough to keep her distracted until her head hit the bedroll at night. Most days they were too exhausted to even change out of their clothes before succumbing to sleep.

 

She felt like she had run over every inch of the bloody, war torn countryside. Probably because she had, twice. It felt like as soon as they assisted one person, two more cropped up in their place. It was exhausting, but she would not refuse to help them. The people needed food, blankets, and a healer if they were to have any chance of surviving the winter. Shae was not going to leave them stranded without first giving her aid.

 

Her generosity spread word of the Inquisition and helped gained influence for the cause much to her counselors’ approval. The one thing that was holding up the group’s progress was the number of rifts. It also did not help that the Mages and Templars were at each other’s throats everywhere they went.

 

After following camp upon camp of Templars, they finally found the location of the main base of operations. It was no use to try and negotiate. They had made their choice to stray a long time ago and their hatred for any magic wielding being was all they saw.

 

They had melded into a fighting machine over the course of their battles. Fighting alongside each other soon became second nature. Cassandra and herself drew attention to the main group as they charged, taunting them into their challenges. They fought side by side warding off attacker after attacker. She drove her sword through the Templar Captain’s throat killing with one blow while Cassandra blocked and arrow sent at her head.

 

“Thanks!” she yelled over her shoulder as she moved on to the next target. Blood was dripping from her sword and splattering her armor as she circled the warrior. She had long since ditched her helmet for clearer vision, her hair falling wildly from her braid. Sweat dripped down her face and clung to the padding under her armor. She pounded her sword against her shield. “Come on, now. Afraid to be killed by a woman?”

 

Her taunt had worked. The warrior snarled and charged wildly leaving his right side open. She waited until the last possible second, using her rogue like movement to side step the charge and dragged her sword across his torso. He groaned in pain and spun dropping his shield to cover his wound with arm. He came at her again, trying to bypass her defenses.

 

It was already too late. He was losing too much blood and his blows were all too easy to parry. She bashed her shield into his midsection sending him tumbling into the ground in bloodcurdling scream. She placed her foot on his breastplate and drove her sword through his neck silencing him indefinitely.

 

She took the moments respite to glance around the battlefield. Solas and Varric were making quick work of the archers distracting them long enough to keep their arrows off a charging Cassandra. Shae wiped her sword off on a fallen body and marched back up to the group after watching the last archer taken out by a lightening bolt.

 

She had planned to find the mages today but after taking a look at her ragged group she knew it would have to wait. They made the way back to camp in an easy silence, not experiencing a single attack for the first time since they entered the region.

 

* * *

 

 

The camp was peaceful after a long day of fighting. Shae made her way into her and Cassandra’s shared tent and began to strip off the layers of her new armor. Cullen had seen to having the quartermaster, Harritt make her a new set after discovering the destruction of hers. It no longer looked new. She had done her best to clean it but bloodstains and demon ichor clung to it in the little crevices.

 

Her padding was soaked through so she stripped out of that as well. The cool breeze that floated through the tent was soothing to her burning skin. That was another thing about lyrium withdrawal; she almost always had a fever, which caused her skin to burn. Her hands trembled as she dressed herself into a simple tunic and cotton pants. The shaking was becoming more noticeable and she was having trouble hiding it when it persisted.

 

She growled in frustration as she tried to lace up her boots. She finally gave up, throwing them to the side and made her way to fire barefoot. Solas raised his head from a book as he heard her approach. He raised an eyebrow and gave small hint of a smile at the sight her bare feet.

 

“Going for the Dalish look, Herald?” Solas asked, “I’m not sure Josephine would approve, but it suits you.”

 

“Please don’t breath a word, she’ll have my shoes sown to my skin if she found out the Herald was barefoot. Then again…” She held her hand up to her lip as if contemplating, “Seeing her face as I came to greet a noble would be completely worth it.”

 

He grinned and shook his head as he turned his attention back to his tome. She grabbed a bowl of stew and bread being served by the cook and took her spot back by the fire as she chewed. She was ravenous. Killing traitors of the Order had taken it out of her. Varric soon joined her, interrupting her thoughts as he settled in next to her.

 

“So, Violet,” he started, using the voice that could talk a Chantry mother out of her smallclothes. “You going to tell us how you and Curly met? You seem to know each other well.”

 

She raised her eyebrow at him in confusion. “Curly?”

 

“He means Commander Cullen.” Cassandra stated as she took a spot across from them, taking a bowl of stew gratefully.

 

She stifled a laugh. “Oh, that is too good. I do miss those curly locks,” she sighed.

 

“So…” Varric trailed.

 

She rolled her eyes. “And the chances this ends up in one of your books?”

 

“Oh, it most definitely will.” Cassandra mumbled in between bites.

 

She looked at the author, who just shrugged with a growing grin on his face.

 

“Fine, fine. But you better take notes because I’m only telling this once. It haunts my nightmares enough as it is,” she shuddered.

 

He grin broke out into a wide smile and he ran back to his tent and emerged with quill and paper in tow. She waited for him to settle in before she asked, “Alright, where do you want me to start?”

 

“How about the first time you met?”

 

That was easy enough. “The first time we met was when he was walking me through a guard rotation. He had been there a year or two before me and I just arrived when he was assigned to show me the ropes.”

 

“What was he like?”

 

She smiled at the memory. She could still see the way his golden locks shone in the torchlight as he gave her the tour. She kept peeking at him. The way his face lit up when he discussed a subject he was passionate about was utterly charming. His eyes were the color of warm honey and she had found herself lost in them more than once. “Oh he was much like he is now. At least around me he is. In some ways he’s still the stammering, blushing fool I left when we parted. But he’s also harder, more confident in others. The events of Kinloch Hold and Kirkwall have hardened him.”

 

She knew Varric had become interested in one part of her statement because the moment she said it, he ignored the rest. “Stammering, blushing fool? Tease him often?”

 

She laughed. “Mercilessly. The way his face turned bright red and the fits of stammering were just too adorable to pass up.”

 

“Adorable, huh?” Varric wiggled his brow at her. “You like him!”

 

Cassandra had long since forgotten her stew and was waiting for an answer with bated breath. Even Solas was looking up from his book, his eyebrows furrowed in an indecipherable expression.

 

“Yes-I mean no! I mean-damn it!” She hid her face in her hands. The heat crept across her face all the way to her ears as she heard Varric laugh.

 

“Look at you! You’re just as bad as he is!” Varric chuckled.

 

She scowled. She was not nearly as bad as Cullen. She crossed her arms in a mock pout. Solas scowled into his book, while Cassandra was trying her best not to act excited over the news. They had grown closer over the past few weeks. Sharing a tent and fighting side by side had bonded them. They were very much a like.

 

“So did you two ever…you know…” He left the question hanging in the air.

 

“Varric!” Cassandra gasped.

 

“Oh, come on Seeker. Like you aren’t the least bit curious.”

 

“Well yes, but even I’m not blunt enough to ask.”

 

She shook her head in amusement at the two. She needed to answer quickly before their exchange escalated into another bickering match.

 

“No, nothing ever happened between Cullen and I.” she said interrupting the duo. “We’re just friends.”

 

“Nug’s ass you are! “Varric exclaimed. “I’ve seen the way he looks at you when he thinks no one is watching. That is not how a friend looks at another friend.”

 

“It’s true, he does the same at the War Table when your attention is focused on Leliana or Josephine. He adores you,” Cassandra breathed dreamily. Then blushed deeply after she had realized what she did. Varric was gaping.

 

She shook her head. “No, I don’t think so. I have teased and hinted at him since the Circle. Not once has he made his move or tried anything. He’s clearly not interested.”

 

“Besides, he already had someone else when we met.” She mumbled.

 

Varric spat out the ale he’d been drinking between writing, cursing when some landed on his notes. “What?!”

 

She groaned. “He had eyes for the mage who became the Hero of Ferelden. It was forbidden, of course. Nothing ever really happened between them but he was heartbroken when she was recruited into the Grey Wardens.”

 

“Cullen and the Hero of Ferelden?”

 

She nodded. She remembered watching him, watching her. She longed for him to look at her that way. The jealousy she felt towards Solona Amell for capturing his attention was immense. The mage was beautiful. Her dark brown hair was always pulled into a neat bun. Her eyes were a deep forest green. Her robes hugged her curves in a way that Shae was a little envious of. How could someone not find her attractive? She had never had a chance.

 

After Amell had left, Cullen moped for weeks before she finally slapped some sense into him. Quite literally slapped him across his mopey face.

 

_They were sitting in their spot in the library. Neither of them had duty today so they had decided to head there and spend the day reading through as many books as they could. She glanced up from her book on Elvhen Gods and saw his pouty face blankly staring at his book. **That was it!** She was tired of seeing him drag about over a girl he could never be with._

_She slammed her book and walked over to where he was sitting and smacked him across the face._

_“Ow! What was that for?” He asked as he rubbed his palm against the reddening mark on his cheek._

_“I can’t take it anymore. Solona is gone, Cullen. You need to quit torturing yourself over it. You could never have been together! I'm sick of seeing you hurting yourself over a girl who doesn’t deserve you’re attention!”_

_He stared at her, wide-eyed at her outburst. His shock soon changed into anger. “I know she’s gone! I know I’ll likely never see her again! I’m sorry I just can’t forget and shove my emotions down like some people.”_

_She blanched at the accusation. It was true. She had the uncanny ability to push down every bad memory and horrible experience until it came bursting to the surface in a fit of unbridled fury. He had been witness to one said episode and had kept her from harming herself or someone else in the process. She felt an angry tear run down her cheek._

_Cullen’s face immediately flooded with guilt. He knew what he’d done as soon as he had said it. She did not let anyone see that side of her. He was the first person she had trusted herself with to let go because she knew he would not allow anything to happen. He reached out his hand to touch her. “Shae, I’m-“_

_“Don’t touch me!” He flinched. “Come find me when you’re ready to stop acting like an ass.” And she stormed off, leaving him standing in the library with a broken look on his face._

 

“Violet? Did you hear me?”

 

She jumped at the sound of Varric’s voice, shaking her from her memory.

 

“I’m sorry, what was that?”

 

He gave her a concerned look before speaking again. “I asked if you were there when the tower was taken over.”

 

She cringed at the reminder. This was the part of her and Cullen’s story that she did was dreading to tell. It replayed itself in her nightmares every night. Now that she was off the lyrium they were much, much worse.

 

“I was.” She forced herself to say.

 

“We don’t have to talk about it.” He offered.

 

“No, it’s alright. Can I…can I just give you a condensed version?”

 

“Whatever you’re comfortable with, Violet. I won’t force it out of you.”

 

She nodded. She took deep breaths in and out, trying to calm herself before speaking.

 

“The Circle was taken over by a group of blood mages led by a mage named Uldred. They started torturing the other mages and Templar in the tower, trying to turn them into abominations. Most succumbed in the end but not me, not-” Her voice broke. “Not Cullen.” She finished.

 

The group was hanging on her every word. Even Solas watched her speak, fascinated.

 

She continued. “I don’t know how long we were tormented. The demons tempted us with our greatest desires, our lust, and our fears. I was almost broken when the Hero saved me. I was weak and my mind and spirit were nearly broken. She told me to make my way to first floor but I refused. I was going to help take back the Circle and I needed to find Cullen. I needed to know he was alive.”

 

She took a gulp of the water beside her. “When we reached the Harrowing Chamber…it was, well it was horrifying. Cullen was the only one who had not succumbed to possession. When he saw Amell and I…” she choked. The pain he was in was enough to break her heart all over again. She could still hear his voice. _You’re not real. Neither of you are real. Leave me alone demons!_ And then he confessed his feelings for Amell, his feelings for her.

 

A desire demon had spent his every waking moment filling his mind with images and temptations of them. She knew what he said about her was untrue. He was overwhelmed and not himself. She even forgave him when he spat his hatred at Amell and herself after the Hero decided not to invoke the Rite of Annulment.

 

“Let’s just say, after what he had been through that his words were...not kind. He was transferred soon after and myself not long after that. We sent the occasional letter back and forth but we lost touch after a while. I didn’t even know he was alive until that day on the path to the Temple.”

 

The group sat in stunned silence. It was broken when Varric let out a low whistle.

 

“Wow, that’s messed up Violet.”

 

She snorted humorlessly. “Yeah, well I’m going to bed. Goodnight.”

 

Shae walked off without giving them a chance to respond. She needed to be alone. Talking about Uldred right before bed was bound to make the nightmares worse. She lay down on her bedroll and counted backwards from a hundred until she felt her breathing calm. Slowly she felt herself slipping into unconsciousness. The last thing she heard before sleep took her was Cullen’s screams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm of the opinion that with the mark that lyrium withdrawals can go one of two ways. The mark can either slow down the process or speed it up rapidly. I chose the latter. If you have any opinions or if I messed up or missed something let me know. It's only me doing the editing so I apologize for any errors!


	7. A Midnight Swim

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we get a letter and someone finds out about Shaelan's condition

_“My daughter, my beautiful, wonderful daughter. Welcome home.”_

_Her father wrapped her into his arms, lifting her off the ground in a loving embrace. She’d never felt this kind of affection from her father before. The hatred and disdain he held for her was always there so why was he being so kind now? Was this some sort of trick?_

_Shaelan had never let herself hope for this kind of relationship from Bann Trevelyan. But oh, how she longed for it. He was always cold and distant when it came to her. Oh, he adored her brothers dearly. They were his pride and joy. Of course, her brothers hadn’t caused her mother to die in childbirth. Her brothers did not look like her spitting image._

_If not for the fact that her mother had begged and made him promise to watch over her, she was quite certain her wonderful father would have left her in the woods to die. He had loved her mother fiercely and to see her likeness everyday must have been like a stab in the heart._

_“Father?” she questioned, not really believing he was being this gentle with her._

_He let her go and gave her a warm smile. Love was etched into every feature of his face. It was a look he reserved for Finley, Reed, and Alec. It was one she had secretly wanted her entire life. She had never known true love or affection. If not for Reed and Alec it would have stayed that way. They had shown her that someone cared for her, wanted to keep her safe. Well, until Cullen that is._

**_Wait. How am I here? I shouldn’t be here. How did I get back to Ostwick?_ **

_“Where’s Cullen?” she furrowed her eyebrows as she gazed at the figure before her. “How am I here? This isn’t possible.”_

_Her “father” hissed. “Him again? We’ve gone over this, sweetheart. The man is dead.”_

_Her heart shattered. There was no possible away he was dead. She had just seen him, just spoken to him. This wasn’t real. A world without him in it could not be real. **The Fade.** Realization hit her and she remembered what had happened. The Circle had fallen. Cullen and herself had been separated. She had been on her way to him when she was captured._

_“Demon, if you’re going to break me you’ll have to much better than that.” She removed herself from its embrace and drove a sword through the image of a childhood dream._

_The desire demon shrieked in anger. It had been trying desperately to break her. She had lost track of how long she had been fighting. Each time it was getting harder and harder to fight. Each time it was Cullen who brought her back to reality._

 

_“You will break!” it hissed. “This man must be dealt with. He has too much of a hold over you.”_

_She froze._

_“I will torture him. I will break him. I will make him beg for death. Just know that it will be all your doing. You will have to live with the fact that you brought this upon him.” The demon smiled grotesquely. “Maybe I’ll even let you watch as I end his life, as I turn him into a creature you both despise.”_

_An image of a possessed Cullen takes shape in front of her. His twisted form slowly walking towards her, sword in hand._

_“No.” she breathed. “Cullen, no. This isn’t you, fight it.”_

_His possessed form cocks its head as he continues forward. “But I did fight it. I fought it for so long. And it was all your fault.”_

_She shook her head as she backed away. Dread gripped her heart. This was not real. He stalked towards her, slowly. She backed away until her back was against a wall. Trapped._

_“It will be real. And it **is** entirely your fault. All my suffering, all of my pain was caused because of you.” He was closing in. “How could I ever want you after the pain you’ve caused me?”_

_He closed the distance, raising his sword to strike her. She brought her sword up to meet his. “Cullen, stop!” she yelled, unwanted tears stinging her cheeks._

_He ignored her. He swung his sword again and again. Each time she blocked. She never took the offensive. She met his attack one last time before she steeled herself for what she must do. **He isn’t real. This isn’t him. It’s a demon, nothing more.**_

_She pushed him back, throwing him off balance. This was her opening. She drove her sword through him. His life’s blood dripping from her wielded weapon. His image did not disappear like it normally did. Instead his body crumpled in on himself as he dropped to his knees. His hands went to his wound as he looked at her in shock._

_Her world crumbled. It wasn’t a demon any longer. It was him. That was her Cullen, his golden eyes looked at her in a haze and it was all her fault. She dropped to her knees beside him, taking him in her arms as he bled out._

_Tears flowed freely from her face as she rested her forehead on his. “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. Please forgive me!” She sobbed._

_He reached up and cupped her cheek. “Thank… you.” He choked out. “Shae, I-”_

 

_And then his eyes turned dark. His hand dropped from her face and she broke. The desire demon got its desired effect. She screamed._

* * *

 

 

Shae woke with a start, muffling her screams into her shirt. Tears stung her eyes as she tried to calm her breathing. Her clothes clung to her from the sweat that was pouring from her. She knew about the withdrawal symptoms. She knew what she was getting in to, but it wasn’t supposed to be this bad this quickly.

 

The heat she was radiating felt suffocating. She needed air. She couldn’t breath. She ran from her tent, running past Solas who had watch, and away from camp. The stream located nearby provided relief for her burning limbs. It was cool and refreshing as it flowed across her skin.

 

She sighed in relief as she began washing the sweat and nightmares away. She sunk to her knees right there in the middle of the stream. It had never been that bad before. It never felt that real. She was trembling as she tried to forget the way he looked. The way his eyes filled with shock and pain as she drove the sword into him.

 

_How could I ever want you after the pain you’ve caused me?_

He couldn’t. He wouldn’t. Not if he knew the torture he’d suffered was because of her. He would never be able to look at her again. And if did look at her, it would be with hatred and disgust. She had never been able to forgive herself after she’d found him kneeling on the ground of the Harrowing Chamber. There was nothing she could do to make it up to him. Not ever. He would never want her if he knew.

 

“Herald?”

 

The voice shook her from her self-loathing thoughts. She turned to face a concerned Solas as he made his way to her. She turned away. She did not deserve his concern, not after all she’d done.

 

When she did not respond to him, he waded into the shallow stream and knelt beside her. He brought his hand to her chin and turned her face towards his. “Shaelan, what’s wrong?”

 

Her first reaction was shock. Solas had never used her name, had always preferred Herald. She must look terrible if it warranted the use of her name. His brows furrowed, as he looked her over.

 

“Oh you know, I felt like a refreshing midnight swim. Care to join me?” she replied trying to keep her voice light. She started trembling all over again and not from the coolness of the stream.

 

He didn’t buy it. The man had the ability to see right through her. His eyes met hers with scrutiny. They reminded her of an oncoming storm, blue with hints of grey. This close she could see freckles dotting his cheeks and nose and the faintest of scars near his brow. She wondered how he got it.

 

He raised a brow at her and she realized she’d been staring for far longer than appropriate. Her face heated as she tried to turn away but his hand held her chin firm. “How long?” he asked.

 

She looked at him. Her confusion must have been etched on her face because he elaborated. “How long has it been since you’ve taken lyrium?”

 

Her eyes widened. “How did you-”

 

“First, let’s get you out of the water and dry you off. I think you’ve had a long enough swim don’t you think?” He stood and offered her his hand, which she took gratefully.

 

She snorted. “Is that a sense of humor I detect underneath that serious demeanor?”

 

He gave her a tiny smile. “Perhaps.”

 

They made their way silently back to camp. He led her to the campfire before he retreated back to his tent to gather blankets and a change of clothes. She sat and stared at the fire, letting the warmth envelop her. His approach was silent, so when he knelt beside her she jumped out of her skin.

 

He laughed at her reaction. “I’m sorry. I did not mean to startle you. Here,” he said handing her one of his shirts and a blanket. “Change and then we’ll talk.”

 

He turned his back as she stripped. She had not expected it to fit. It hugged her muscles in her arms and shoulders but fit comfortably on the rest of her. Solas was much taller so the hem dropped to her mid thigh, revealing her toned legs. She made sure she adequately covered before talking. “Okay, prude. I’m covered, you can look now.”

 

The moment he turned and saw her, his expression changed to something she could not read. It was like he was trying and failing to keep his face neutral but his emotions were winning out. It was quite comedic. “Are you alright? You’re not going to have a heart attack at the sight of myself in your shirt are you?” She teased.

 

He let out a strangled groan before schooling his face back into his usual stern expression. She rolled her eyes and wrapped the blanket around herself before taking her spot around the fire. He quickly took the spot next to her and turned her to face him.

 

“Tell me how long.” He demanded.

 

She sighed. “It’s been since the explosion at the Conclave. How did you know?”

 

“It was not hard to guess. You were a Templar. You’ve been hiding it quite well. If I had not known what to be watching for, I would not have seen it,” he shrugged as if it were obvious, “My suspicions were confirmed when I felt your skin and felt you shaking just a few minutes ago. Are you having the nightmares yet?”

 

Her eyes narrowed. “What? The screaming from my tent didn’t give it away?”

 

He studied her closely before he answered. “The symptoms are progressing far faster than should be normal. I wonder if it is perhaps the mark that is pushing the lyrium from your system at such a rapid rate.”

 

She looked down at her palm to watch the eerie green dance across her skin. Was that possible? She supposed it could be. At this point, there wasn’t much she wouldn’t believe. “Lyrium withdrawal could kill even at its normal rate. If my mark is speeding it along…” she trailed off. If it was speeding it along there was a very high probability she wouldn’t survive this.

 

“Then the chances of death are more substantial, yes.” He finished for her. “I will do everything in my power to help you through this. You will live. We need you.”

 

There it was. He wasn’t going to help her because he cared. He was going to help because she was the only one able to seal the Breach.

 

He must have read the look on her face because he automatically looked guilty. “Shae-”

 

“Herald!” A messenger interrupted before he could finish his apology. “Letter from Sister Leliana!”

 

She jumped to her feet, letting the blanket drop to the ground. She grabbed the letter from the scout who was now blushing at the sight of her. As was Solas, now that she mentioned it. **Men** , she shook her head at them. “Dismissed.” She ordered.

 

As soon as the scout disappeared, she tore open the letter. Her breath caught as she read.

 

_Violet,_

_We have located one of the targets. The other still evades us. Will elaborate on your return._

_Nightingale_

 

* * *

 

She hadn’t gotten any more sleep after receiving the letter. She waited impatiently for her companions to rise before informing them that were to eliminate the mages and they would be returning for Haven immediately. Her battle partners were thrilled with the news. They had been gone for almost a month and they were all missing the little village at this point.

 

As much as she wanted to rush straight to Leliana, she knew she could leave the area to the mages. The camp needed to be cleared out so that refugees and travelers could travel along safer routes to their destinations. That could never happen until they were eliminated.

 

They had found the camp easily. If you didn’t want to draw attention to yourselves you don’t draw strange symbols and leave large ice spikes that lead right to your front door. Unlike the Templar, the mages were dug into a cave in the side of a mountain. That left them little room to maneuver and little room for error.

 

Solas and Varric took out the mages who were on watch and the group entered the cave. Scanning the area, there were probably ten at the most. The same amount at the Templar camp but much more deadly. Unlike their foes they could attack from a distance, which made this all the more difficult.

 

She nodded at the group and Solas cast lightning storm over a group of four near the entrance electrocuting them. Six to go. Varric took one out with a bolt to the heart before Cassandra and herself charged into the cave. By the time the mages had time to react, half of them were already dead.

 

Spells whizzed around her as she felt a strange sensation curl around her body. She turned in time to see Solas was casting a barrier around her. She was grateful. A flash of fire was stopped from burning her alive a moment later. She charged at the offending mage, driving her sword into his stomach before pulling out and letting him bleed out.

 

The cave was chaos. She was losing track of her companions. At this point she was not sure which spells were friend or foe. She finally spotted Cassandra amidst a flurry of reds and blues as she was engaged with a rather formidable mage. Her eyes widened when she saw that another mage had snuck behind her. They raised their staff to deal the final blow.

 

She was running before her mind could catch up, she knew she would be too late to stop the attack. She reached within herself and her body began to emanate a white glow. The glow grew before she released the Holy Smite sending the attacking mage and everyone in the surrounding area backwards.

 

Cassandra quickly recovered and ended both of the remaining foes before turning towards her. She felt her legs give out as she dropped to her knees, her sword in front of her the only thing keeping her from collapsing face first. She was shaking; sweat dripping across face as she fought to hold on to consciousness. The ability was demanding enough with lyrium in her system, but without it…

 

“Herald!” She heard Solas shout as he closed the distance to her. He threw his staff to the side and removed her sword, forcing her to collapse into his waiting arms.

 

“Are you trying to kill yourself faster? What were you thinking?!” He whispered harshly into her ear so the others could not hear as they approached.

 

“I was thinking I wasn’t about to let Cassandra die right in front of me.” She whispered back angrily.

 

“Varric had it handled! He was getting ready to shoot him before you pulled that stunt!” He chastised her.

 

“Violet?” Varric said warily as he and Cassandra approached the duo.

 

She gave him a weak smile. **You need to lie.** “I’m fine. It’s just been a while since I’ve had to use that. Cassandra, are you alright?”

 

“I am, thank you, Herald. Although a little warning next time wouldn’t hurt.” She replied with a smile.

 

Shae laughed as she made her way to unsteady feet. Solas stood close by ready to catch her if she fell. She was a little irritated by his behavior but otherwise allowed it. It wasn’t that she was ungrateful for his concern, she was. Her pride was wounded and being treated as weak was not helping matters.

 

“Gather anything useful when can use,” she started, standing straighter, “and then let’s go home.”

 

They exited the cave and made for Haven. The whole way she was hoping it was good news on the spymaster’s lips and not words that would crush her already fragile heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Battles are not my forte. I'm working on it. Thanks to those who have left kudos and have bookmarked. The fact that even one person likes this blows me away. So thank you again! :)
> 
> Comments and criticism are always welcome!


	8. Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which, we learn about Leliana's letter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is ridiculously long. There was just no good way to split it up, so here you go!

To say he was impatiently watching the road was an understatement. He had long since abandoned acting like he was watching over his troops’ training. Rylen had thankfully taken over after he missed the opportunity to yell at a recruit to use his shield. Something that he was beginning to be a stickler for.

 

It had been a couple of days since word had arrived that Shaelan and her group were on their way back to Haven. They had been gone for over a month now and to say he was anxious to see her would be a lie. They had sent her in to speak with Mother Giselle and gain mounts but somehow she had turned that in to helping every person who asked along with taking out the rebel factions of Templar and mages menacing the countryside.

 

He swelled with pride when he heard how much she had accomplished. It showed people a heart full of compassion. It was something that no one would think she possessed if they met her. She so often kept her emotions guarded and hid behind her armor. The rarity of her recent show of emotions was not lost on him. He knew it was not likely to last.

 

At the sound of hooves, he raised his head. He knew who it was before they approached the stables. That did not stop him from searching for a flash of her white blonde hair anyway. The minute he saw it he let out a breath he did not know he’d be holding.

 

 **This is ridiculous.** **Stop staring! There is no reason to be acting this way.** Now that she was back in his life he found his worry and protectiveness had grown exponentially. Shae approached him still in full armor, blood and demon ichor still encrusted in places and her sword hanging from her hip. Her strut was one only years of victories could achieve. She did not need to be saved. She was quite capable of that on her own. He knew that more than anyone. That did not mean he was not going to try anyway. It was no less than she deserved.

 

When she saw him staring she smirked and put a more sway into her hips. Her grin grew wider the closer she got. It was a devastating smile, a smile she reserved only for him. In that moment, he was lost. He knew it the moment she took off her helmet that day on the mountain. There was no use denying it any more. He was completely and hopelessly besotted. And with his best friend no less. **I’m an idiot.**

 

She came to a halt in front of him. Her left arm was curled to her chest, something he had not noticed upon her arrival. Her right thumb placing a gentle pressure between his eyebrows startled him. She slid it down the bridge of his nose and he felt his face relax. He hadn’t realized it had been furrowed.

 

“If you keep scowling like that Rutherford, you’re going to get wrinkles,” she teased.

 

He just scoffed and crossed his arms. “And every one will be because of you.” He could feel his forehead crinkle again as he looked at her arm still curled to her chest.

 

Her face dropped at his expression. “What’s wrong? Are you not happy to see me?”

 

“What? I-yes. Of course, I’m happy to see you. I always am.” He paused. “But you’re injured.” He said nodding his head at her arm.

 

“I’m fine. It’s just a mind-numbing pain. We closed a couple rifts on the way back and I’m paying for it. I’ve had worse.” She shrugged. “It’ll pass in a couple hours, it always does.”

 

“It always does? I did not know it caused you so much pain.” Concern filled him. If just closing little rifts could cause her to lose the ability to use her arm what would closing the Breach cost her? He did not want to think about it.

 

His worry must have made its way to his face because she slapped him in the shoulder with her good hand. “Stop that. I’m fine, really. I’ve had much worse. It’s not like a foreign magic thrust into my body that somehow closes tears in the Veil was ever going to feel pleasant.” She joked.

 

“That does NOT make me feel better.” He snapped.

 

She flinched at his reaction but then rolled her eyes and started dragging him away from the training field.

 

“What are you doing?” he demanded, trying to look as dignified as could in front of his men while being pulled across the grounds by the Herald of Andraste.

 

“Meeting in the war room, grumpy. Now. I need to find out about that cryptic message from Leliana and discuss plans for Val Royeaux.”

 

He groaned. A meeting meant hours of standing in the making and the throbbing coming from the back of his skull meant it was not like to be a pleasant one. He had already snapped at Shae once and she had just returned. He sighed and followed reluctantly behind her.

 

The sounds of shouts as they approached were not helping his pulsing headache. He grit his teeth. It looked like every villager in Haven had congregated in front of the Chantry. **Maker, what now?** As he and Shaelan approached he could see a faction of Templar and mages arguing vehemently. Roderick had to be behind this. The little weasel always had a hand in the conflict that started here. He began looking around for him.

 

Shae looked at him and shook her head. It was only a matter of time before the groups came to blows. The hatred was too deeply imbedded for it not to. The close quarters and antagonizing did not help matters.

 

“Your kind killed the Most Holy!” A Templar barked.

 

“Wrong! Your kind let her die!” A mage retorted.

 

He started moving before his mind had time to process it. He pushed his way through the onlookers and felt Shae doing the same.

 

“Shut your mouth, mage!” The Templar drew his sword right as he and Shae entered the clearing. He restrained the Templar and she went to push back the mage.

 

“Knight Commander!” the mage yelled.

 

He cringed. “That is not my title.” He barked, glaring at the mage behind Shaelan. He then turned his attention to the Templar and pointed at his chest. “We are not Templars any longer. We are all part of the Inquisition.”

 

“And what does that mean exactly?” A voice from the crowd said. He stifled a groan and heard Shae do the same. Now he decided to make his presence known.

 

“Back already Chancellor? Haven’t you done enough?” Cullen pouted.

 

“I’m curious _Commander_ , how the Inquisition and your…” he paused as he looked her over with contempt, “ _Herald_ , mean to restore order.”

 

“Of course you are.” He said sarcastically. “Back to work! All of you!”

 

The crowds dispersed quickly at his order. No one wanted latrine duty from a pissed off Commander. His expression brokered no argument. He felt Shae move her way to his shoulder.

 

“Ugh. Why is he still here?” She whined.

 

He fought to hide his grin. Politics had never been her strength.

 

“Clearly _your Templar_ knows where to draw the line.” Roderick answered smugly.

 

She growled and reached for her sword before he stopped her. “You can talk to me insult me all you want but you will leave the Commander out of it.” She glared menacingly as she shook him off. Roderick had the tact to blanch at her expression. When had she grown so protective of **him**?

 

“He’s toothless. There’s no point turning him into a martyr simply because he runs at the mouth.” He said grudgingly. “The Chancellor is a good indicator on what to expect in Val Royeaux however.”

 

She groaned. “Wonderful.”

 

He watched as she started to rub her temples to release some the tension. “The mages and Templars are fighting even though we don’t know what really happened at the Temple of Sacred Ashes?” she asked exasperatedly.

 

“Exactly why all this should be left to a new Divine.” Roderick jumped in. “If you are innocent, the Chantry will establish it as so.”

 

“Or will be happy to use someone as a scapegoat.” He glowered.

 

“You think nobody cares about the truth?” Roderick exclaimed. If he had to listen to this idiot much longer Cullen’s fist was going to find his face. “We all grieve Justinia’s loss.”

 

He could fear his anger start to boil over. “But you won’t grieve if the Herald of Andraste is conveniently swept under the carpet.” He said as he instinctively moved in front of Shae.

 

He felt her hand move to his in attempt to calm his temper. “Cullen, enough.” She whispered only loud enough for him to hear. And then to where the Chancellor could hear, “Well, let’s hope we find solutions and not just a cathedral full of chancellors.” She shuddered at her own joke.

 

He laughed and shook his head. He could feel the tension and anger leave his body. “The stuff of nightmares.” He cringed in agreement.

 

He let himself be lead by the hand into the Chantry and turned his back on Chancellor Roderick.

 

“Mock if will,” he called after them, “I’m sure the Maker is less than amused!”

 

He felt her start to shake with laughter. “What an asshole!”

 

Her laugh was infectious. He could feel the grin spread across his face. He gasped in fake shock. “Shaelan Trevelyan, cursing in a chapel! Shame on you!”

 

She elbowed his side. “Oh shut up, and get in the war room before he decides to follow us.” She pushed him the rest of the way in and closed the door behind her, silencing the rest of the world around them.

 

* * *

 

 

They had been talking for hours. They had sung her praises for her work in the Hinterlands. It had garnered more attention and some support from minor lords that they had been sorely lacking. Cullen had this cute little proud grin on his face during that particular conversation. She had winked at him, which caused his face to turn an adorable shade of crimson.

 

Josephine had felt the need to lecture her for a long extended period of time about the importance of her trip to Val Royeaux. As if she did not already know. It would be no use. They already saw her as a criminal and a heretic. Nothing she said would sway their opinions. She had said as much.

 

“We don’t need to change their minds. The fact that they are united is their only strength.” She stated. “All we need is to plant the seed of doubt and let it spread.”

 

 **No pressure.** To be honest, she was only half paying attention. She was impatiently waiting for the meetings end. Her gaze kept looking to the spymaster. If the news was good or bad, Leliana’s face gave nothing away. She was beginning to feel anxious. By the time they had wrapped up all important topics her fingers were tapping in a steady rhythm on the table, one of her nervous ticks. It wasn’t lost on Cullen who just raised an eyebrow at her.

 

“I believe that is all we have for you, Herald,” Josephine finally said. “If there’s nothing else?”

 

She sighed in relief. “Leliana?” she asked expectantly.

 

“Perhaps it be best we discuss what I have found in private,” the spymaster responded.

 

Dread filled her stomach. “Fine by me.”

 

The other advisors started filing out on by one. Cullen was the last to make his way to the door but she grabbed his arm to stop him. He looked at her grip on his wrist, confused. “Shae?”

 

“Stay,” she whispered, “please.”

 

She was a strong person. She could face most anything alone. Had done as much for most her life, but the fact she was finding out the fate of the only family she claimed was too much bear. In this moment, she was a coward. It wasn’t like she wouldn’t go straight to him afterwards. This just saved an unnecessary repeating of details. That's what she kept repeating anyway.

 

He drew a sharp breath before he turned fully and gave her a soft, concerned look. His palm came up to her cheek and she leaned into his touch. Cullen touched his forehead to hers and closed his honey eyes. “Always.” He answered breathily.

 

He dropped his hand to hers and they turned to Leliana who was watching them with a great amount of scrutiny. Shae nodded to let her know she was ready. Taking a deep breath, she steeled her emotions and her heart. She had shown enough weakness. She needed to be strong now, for Reed and Alec.

 

“We have a lead on your brothers, Herald,” she began.

 

Shae nodded. The letter had hinted as much.

 

“We have witnesses that place a man in Templar armor matching the descriptions you’ve gave us near the Temple before the explosion.”

 

Her grip on Cullen’s hand turned into a vice. It was the only reaction she allowed herself to show. Her face remained a mask of neutrality. If Reed had been near the Conclave before the explosion that meant he was likely…

 

“He’s dead.” She said calmly. Eerily calm.

 

Leliana nodded. “We believe so, yes.”

 

“And Alec?” she asked just as steady as before.

 

“We have reason to believe he is very much alive, Herald. He was not spotted near Haven before the explosion. We’re still looking.”

 

She inclined her head in gratitude. “Thank you. I appreciate everything you’ve done. Please let me know if you hear anything more.”

 

“Of course, Your Worship. By your leave.” The red headed rogue strolled out of the room leaving her and Cullen alone in silence.

 

He didn’t say anything. He didn’t have to. He knew her better than she knew herself. He knew what she needed and led her from the room and to the Chantry proper. Her heart was grateful for him in that moment. The minute they entered to an empty hall she turned and gave him a small smile before letting go of his hand.

 

She lit a candle for Reed. As well as one for Alec. One might be lost to her forever, but she would do everything in her power to make sure the other was found and kept safe. She knelt in front the statue of Andraste and bowed her head. It was something she felt ashamed that she did not do enough. Not since Ferelden Tower. Not since abominations took over and flipped their world upside down.

 

Cullen lit two candles as well and joined her on the stone floor. The pain in her arm had long since subsided during the war council, allowing her hands to be clasped tightly in front of her. She kept her face calm, her breath steady. Letting her emotions get the best of her would not help them now.

 

So she started reciting the first verse that came to her.

 

“Then the Maker said:

To you, my second born, I grant this gift:

In your heart shall burn…” Her voice faltered. She picked it up where she left off this time joined by Cullen. His hand reached for hers and entwined their fingers.

 

“An unquenchable flame

All consuming and never satisfied.

From the Fade I crafted you,

And to the Fade you shall return,

Each night in dreams

That you may always remember me.”

 

Her guilt was consuming her. If only she had not summoned Reed to the Conclave he would still be alive. Her heart ached with pain. She would never see his goofy grin. Or have him muss her hair as she wriggled out of reach to punch his shoulder in protest. Instead of crumbling, her steel walls were reinforced. She would not allow herself to feel this way again. Cullen squeezed her hand and began again this time with a verse of his own.

 

“The one who repents, who has faith,  
Unshaken by the darkness of the world,  
She shall know true peace.”

 

She looked up at him as he finished. He was staring at her with a sad smile on his face. He knew she was blaming herself; he knew she would for a long time. Shae could never repay his kindness. She returned his smile with a weak one of her own before turning back to Andraste.

 

Shae leaned her head to his shoulder. The cold of his silverite plate armor bit against her cheek. It was soothing against the heat from her body. They sat in silence for a long time, neither one wanting to move. His presence was a comfort she had not felt before. His touch was a reassurance that some was there for her.

 

 _Always._ She heard at the back her mind. She glanced down to where their hands were joined and smiled to herself. They fit perfectly, like they were meant to fit together and never be parted. His friendship was enough. If nothing more came of this, this would be enough for her. At least that’s what she told herself.

 

After a while, her tremors started up again. They were getting much worse since that night in camp. At times they were uncontrollable. A light sheen of sweat worked across her brow and even the chill from Cullen’s armor could not soothe her. She hoped that he would take it as a sign of her grieving and not for what it really was. As silly as it was to keep it from him, she didn’t want to tell him. Not yet.

 

Cullen stood and pulled her up with him. He never separated from her grip. He just led her slowly back to her cabin in the bitter cold air of night. They had been in the Chantry far longer than she had thought. The shaking in her body was becoming unbearable. The throbbing in her head was relentless. Her vision began to blur around the edges. If he did not get her to her cabin soon, he was going to figure out this was more than mourning.

 

They finally arrived at her door where he came to a halt. He turned to look her over, a wave of worry immediately taking over his face. His brows furrowed as he took off his glove and brought his hand to her face.

 

“Maker, Shae! You’re burning.” He said as he wiped some sweat from her brow.

 

“Cullen, I’m fine. I promise.” She protested weakly. And then her legs gave out. Cullen had her before she hit the ground. She squealed as he scooped her up in to his arms and carried her into her cabin.

 

“You are **not** fine.” He growled.

 

“Stop babying me, I  **am** fine!” She yelled angry at his overprotectiveness.

 

He just glared at her stubbornly and sat her in her bed. He started removing her armor piece by piece.

 

“What are you doing?” she squeaked. “Not that I mind you undressing me.” She hurried, trying to cover up her embarrassment.

 

He just smirked and kept working. “Yeah, well it’s not how I imagined my first time stripping you out of your clothes either. Now hush.”

 

She was stunned into silence. Did he just saw he had imagined undressing her? She blushed at the implication. **It must be the fever talking. I’m starting to hear things.**

 

After she was fully out of her armor her laid her back into bed. “Now don’t move. I’m going to fetch Solas.”

 

She sat up abruptly. “Cullen, I’m-” Whatever she was going to say was cut off by a sudden wave of nausea. Sensing it, he quickly grabbed the wastebasket beside her bed and held it in front of her before she vomited violently.

 

After the wave of nausea passed, she lay back in bed and groaned. He just laughed. “Yes, you’re the picture of health. Now stay put, I’ll be back soon.”

 

* * *

 

 

She must have dozed because when she woke she had two worried men sitting at her bedside. Solas was the first to react at the fluttering of her eyes.

 

“Ah, you’re awake. Good.” He got up and approached her bed to examine her.

 

“Cullen, what are you still doing here? You need sleep.” She croaked.

 

“I’m fine,” he grinned, mimicking her earlier words.

 

His dark circles had dark circles. How long had it been since the man had a decent nights sleep?

 

“You look like shit, Rutherford. Go to bed. That’s an order.”

 

He looked like he was going to protest but thought better of it. Acknowledging Solas he said, “You’ll tell me if anything changes?”

 

“Of course, Commander. You’ll be the first to know.”

 

Before he made it to the door she shouted. “Cullen!” He turned to face her. “Thank you, for staying with me today.”

 

He gave her a winning grin and walked out of the cabin, leaving her alone with a pensive elf.

 

“You’re symptoms are getting worse.”

 

“Thank you, for that enlightening statement, _hahren.”_ Sarcasm dripping from her tongue.

 

His look of shock was priceless. Solas was not one to let his emotions show. She felt a small satisfaction she had broken through his passive gaze.

 

“You know elven?” he voice full of wonder.

 

“Just a little. Not enough to have an actual conversation. Just phrases I picked up from some of the Dalish mages and some books in the Circles over the years.” She shrugged.

 

He just shook his head. “You continue to surprise me.”

 

She sighed. “I’m sorry I snapped. I just found out that one of my brothers passed at the explosion of the Conclave.”

 

“I took no offense. And I apologize for your loss, Herald.” He paused. “The grief must be exacerbating the symptoms you usually experience.”

 

She had no response. She just wanted the pain to stop.

 

“Here,” he said after a brief silence. He had her a small purple vial and he undid the stopper for her. “Take this. It will allow you to sleep and relieve some of your symptoms.”

 

She downed it in one gulp, cringing at the aftertaste. “That is foul!”

 

He chuckled. “It is. But it will help you. It is only temporary though.” He warned. “There is no cure for lyrium withdrawal. You must simply allow it to burn its way out of your body.”

 

She just nodded. She could already feel the effects of the potion taking hold. Her eyes were slowly starting to droop.

 

“Thank you, Solas,” she murmured.

 

“Dareth eran’en, Herald.”

 

“Goodnight to you, too.” She got out before sleep finally took her.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The mark isn't going to feel good when you use it. Especially thrust onto a non mage. I feel like the game made it seem like it was pain free which is just not realistic. 
> 
> I hope this chapter wasn't too horrible. We're getting to the action I promise. This stuff just needs to be established first for my story to start taking over. It's not like you can skip over a huge chunk of the game. It's vital to the plot.
> 
> Comments and kudos are appreciated. It let's me know I'm not just failing miserably at this. To all those who already have thank you a bunch! <3
> 
> Elven translations:  
> hahren- elder  
> dareth eran'en- be safe dreams or sleep safely


	9. Coward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which, there's a bit of fluff

It had been three days since the news of Reed’s death and Shae was sick of being asked if she was okay. The pitying and worried looks from her companions did not help either. She was not grieving correctly in their minds eye. She had never really experienced grief, nor had she really understood it. What was the point of blubbering like a fool over someone who was long gone? Did that bring them back? **No, it did not.** So she resigned to her own form of grief much to everyone else’s shock.

 

On the outside she might seem callous and cold-hearted. She had just lost her brother and her behavior was as if she had only chipped a nail. Shae did not like to show her feelings to the world. It was a defense mechanism she had learned early on. If you don’t show the world anything, it can’t take anything away from you.

 

It was a foolish notion. The universe had proven time and time again that it could and would take anything it pleased whether she willed it or no. She had not even let herself cry. Crying was a weakness she would not indulge in again after that embarrassing scene in Cullen’s tent. He probably thought her a sniveling baby. But because he was a good friend, he comforted her all the same.

 

So here she was sitting at the docks looking over a crystalline lake. Here she could avoid most of the stares. Although there was one in particular she could feel trained onto her back. Not that she minded that particular stare. He had a tendency to do that even back in the Circle. Even if he didn't realize it.

  
  
The frozen lake provided distance she needed but it also meant exposure to the elements. She had bundled in her warmest clothes and wrapped herself in her violet cloak and she could still feel the bite of the winter winds. She shivered as she pulled her cloak closer to her and went back to her task.

  
  
Her armor was in desperate need of cleaning. She had let the blood and ichor sit long enough for it to brown. She could hear Reed chastising her. She was always quite meticulous when it came to taking care of her equipment something he had engrained into her when they were young. But as of late she just could not find the time.

  
  
She was going over her breastplate when she heard heavy footsteps crunching in the snow. The heavy clang of armor gave away his identity long before he arrived. She just smiled to herself and kept at her work. Cullen had never quite mastered being sneaky, even when he wanted to be.

  
  
He stopped a few feet away. She could feel him debating whether to approach. His feet were fidgeting back in forth in the snow for a couple of minutes before she took pity on him.

  
  
"So did they send you to talk to me?"

  
  
He snorted and joined her on the dock, lowering himself beside her. "Like you'd listen if they did. I told them that you had a different way of dealing with things. They should back off for the time being."

  
  
She sighed in relief. "Thank you. If I saw one more pitying look I was going to hit someone."

  
  
He laughed. "Which is why you're out here in the dead of winter cleaning your armor?"

  
  
She hummed in agreement as she tried to get out one pesky spot.

 

“You know I convinced Josephine that you were okay enough to go to Val Royeaux. You leave first thing in the morning.” He said as he watched her go over her now spotless armor.

 

“And how did you manage that?” she asked trying to keep her hands busy enough to reach out and hug him.

 

“I can be charming when I want to be.” She could picture the smirk on his face as he said it. She was currently trying to avoid those warm honey eyes at the moment so she couldn’t be certain it was there.

 

When she didn’t reply he just sighed and looked away. The pressure of his gaze lifted and she felt herself relaxing. They hadn’t really talked since she had heard about Reed and then collapsed in front of him. The symptoms had not gotten any better, if anything they were worse. The only thing masking them at the moment were the potions Solas had crafted for her.

 

That did not mean she did not feel them lurking like a wolf stalking its prey. They were just waiting in the shadows, just out of sight waiting until she showed weakness. She would not do so. It was hopeless in the long run. Eventually the fire would burn out and the wolf would come in for kill. She was determined to have the Breach closed long before that happened. Then at least she could die knowing Cullen and everyone would live.

 

The silence between them lingered but not comfortably like it usually was. There were things unspoken between them and she could feel the tension heavy in the air. The cloth in her hands kept moving, determined to keep herself busy.

 

When the quiet was broken, it was Cullen who did so.

 

“You missed a spot,” he said.

 

She jumped at the closeness of his voice. She looked up confused. “I did not! It’s spotless!”

 

He just shook his head. “No, right there.” He stated as he pointed to the offending spot.

 

“There is nothing there. The armor is flawless.” She groaned indignantly.

 

“You have to look closer. I promise it’s there.” He kept his hand where it was as she huffed but gave in, moving her head close to the metal.

 

“I don’t see-” his fingers flicking her nose on their way up cut off her words.

 

The look on her face sent him into a fit of giggling. “Made you look!” he managed to choke out between breaths.

 

Shae tried hard to maintain her scowl as she pushed him onto his back. “How old are you, 12?”

 

Eventually the sight of the ever-serious Commander laying on the dock and shaking with laughter did her in. She snorted and joined him as she laughed for the first time in days.

 

After their laughter died down, a smile remained plastered on her face.

 

“There it is.” Cullen mumbled as he turned his head to face hers as they continued lying down on the wooden dock.

 

She turned her face sideways to meet his. Her eyebrow arched in a question.

 

He clarified. “Your smile. It’s been missing for days. I’ve missed it.”

 

She blushed at his admission and turned her head quickly. She hoped the cold and the wind had reddened her cheeks enough to hide it. She needed to deflect.

 

“As well you should have. I hear it’s a dazzling smile,” she turned to face him giving him another grin.

 

“It is.” He murmured. The look he gave her was one she had only seen on his face for one other person and that was Solona Amell. She had to be seeing it wrong. He had never looked at her that way before. It made butterflies start dancing in her stomach.

 

Before she could reply he coughed nervously and looked away. Had she just missed something? Did he…was he hoping she’d make a move? She mentally berated herself. **Of course not.** **Get your head out of the gutter.**

 

“You’re too good to me. What did I do to deserve a friend like you?” It slipped out of her mouth before she could reel it back in. Cullen flinched beside her and she turned to look at him curiously. At the feel of her gaze he turned to face her, giving a small lopsided grin. The look from before was gone. Only the flash of disappointment in his eyes gave him away. She wrinkled her forehead in confusion.

 

He pulled her in close, her head resting in the crook of his shoulder. The fur from his cloak tickled her nose but she just pulled herself closer, draping her arm over his chest. She heard him sigh contentedly as he placed his head on top of hers and wrapped his arms around her.

 

“If anything,” he whispered, “I should be asking you that question.”

 

His mouth was so close to her ear she could feel his breath. The feeling sent excited tingles down her spine.

 

“It seems the Maker has deemed you worthy of my presence.” She teased.

 

His arms tightened around her as he replied. “Well, tell him thank you and that he isn't getting you back.”

 

Her heart constricted. She should tell him. **Tell him about the lyrium!** He would only be hurt more in the long run if he didn’t know. If she just seized up one day and passed on without explanation. He deserved to be prepared for that day, to prepare for a life without her.

 

“I’m not going anywhere. I promise.” She lied.

 

She couldn’t tell him. She was a coward.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So work has drained me. I had planned to get to Val Royeaux this chapter but life got in the way. Next chapter I promise you guys!
> 
> I had not planned for the story to go as slowly but the characters have minds of their own. 
> 
> Have mentioned how painful it is to write about two people who obviously care for one another but are too oblivious to see it? Because it is starting to become physically painful for me haha. 
> 
> Thanks to those who have already left kudos and feedback. It means a lot! Let's me know someone likes what I'm doing. Comments and kudos are appreciated <3


	10. Turncoat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which, we get to Val Royeaux and confront the Chantry Mothers and the Templars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Over 200 Hits! I never believed I would even get that many so thank you guys so much for supporting this story. It's only going to pick up from here.
> 
> I did use some dialogue from the game because it just fit better than anything I could come up with. For the most part though it is new and unique to my character. And we finally made it to Val Royeaux! Yay!!
> 
> Also there is strong language in this chapter.

The trip to Val Royeaux was a pleasant one. The horses they had acquired from Dennet helped tremendously and she was grateful not having to walk the whole way. Her companions all travelled in a comfortable silence only being broken occasionally by Varric telling one of his many stories. Bickering between Cassandra and the storyteller soon followed.

 

It was so common now that Solas and Shae no longer interfered and let them duke it out. It always ended with a disgusted noise from the Seeker and her riding to the front of the group to brood. Her relationship with Solas had changed exponentially since their first meeting. He was closed off and suspicious of her when they first met. She could not blame him. She knew the hatred and cruelty her brothers and sisters in arms could wield against mages.

 

It was something she was ashamed of and made a point of proving herself different every chance she had. It seemed to be working. The only time he had reverted back to his dislike was when she had used her long abandoned Templar abilities to subdue a mage prepared to attack an unknowing Cassandra. After making sure she was able to walk he remained sullenly quiet the entire trip back to Haven.

 

Her apology after their arrival seemed to dismiss the problem, at least for now. She knew if she were ever forced to use them again though it would have the same result. He was slowly warming up to her. She considered him a close friend and confidante considering all he’d helped her through. Though she was sure the only ones he considered friends were the spirits he found in the Fade.

 

He was also the only one of her companions who knew about the withdrawal, however so that made her keep him close at hand. She’d even gone so far as to changing sleeping arrangements so that she shared a tent with him, much to Cassandra and Varric’s dismay. It was just easier to have him close by should something happen. She could only feign restless sleep with the Seeker for so long before she caught on to what was happening, if she hadn’t already.

 

Arriving on the outskirts of the city, they purchased rooms at an inn and handed their mounts over to the stable boys. They would travel the rest of the way on foot so to look less inconspicuous. To help she’d even placed leather glove over her marked hand. She snorted at her on thoughts. **How would an elf, a dwarf, and two female warriors travelling together ever be inconspicuous?**

 

The path in and out of the city was deserted. Only a man and woman making their way out of the city were in sight. When their group passed, the woman shrieked theatrically and cowered away as if they meant to harm her. **If she doesn’t stop screaming I might consider it.** **No! Dark thoughts go away. I promised to try diplomacy.**

 

“Just a guess, but I think they know who we are,” Varric said in amusement as they continued on their way.

 

“No, really? Whatever would we do without your excellent observations, Varric?” Shae replied sarcastically. She was already annoyed that she had been recognized so easily and the potion that Solas had given her this morning for her symptoms was already starting to fade.

 

“Aw, come on now Violet. No need to be all crabby. I was just trying to lighten the mood.”

 

She sighed. “I’m sorry. I’m just not exactly in my comfort zone here. I’m a fighter not a negotiator.”

 

That was slightly true at least. Her irritability was much harder to contain now. The fact that a splitting headache was now pushing its way from the base of her skull was not helping matters. She grimaced as they approached the gate. Of course, it would come to a head now when she was about to have talks that could determine the future of the Inquisition.

 

One of Leliana’s scouts sprinted towards them upon their entry into the city. Shae could not focus on what was being said and let Cassandra take over while she leaned against the bars of the city’s gate. Solas gave her a knowing look and made his way to her.

 

“I’m fine,” she whispered, as he carefully looked her over while the others were distracted.

 

He scrunched up his eyebrows. “No, you are not. The potions I have been making for you are wearing off quicker than before. How much longer can you hide this before the truth comes spilling out?”

 

“I will hide it as long as I have to.” She spat through gritted teeth as another wave of nausea and pain wracked her body. “After the Breach is sealed I will tell them, I promise.”

 

He nodded. Cassandra’s yell disrupted their conversation. “There are Templars in the city?!”

 

Shaelan jolted up immediately as she ran to where the scout was debriefing the group.

 

“Yes, the people think that they will protect them from…from the Inquisition. They are stationed with the Chantry mothers on the other side of the market. That’s where they intend to meet you.” The scout replied.

 

She scowled. This was not what she wanted to hear. Templars here meant one thing, trouble. This was going to go horribly wrong, she could already tell.

 

* * *

 

Anxiety riddled her as she approached the dais set up in the market. A crowd had already formed and the group had to push their way forward earning disapproving glances from the masked Orlesians. The Chantry Mothers were gathered at the top of the structure. And standing alongside them, the Templars. She stiffened at the sight of them. Some held looks of contempt for her but most showed no acknowledgement of her existence. She wasn’t sure which felt worse.

 

A woman, clearly the one in charge, walked forward upon seeing them approach and began to address the curious crowd.

 

“Good people of Val Royeaux, hear me!” her voice silenced the crowd immediately.

 

She walked to the edge of the wooden stage while continuing. “Together we mourn our Divine. Her naïve and beautiful heart silenced by treachery!”

 

Shae did not like where this was going. Was she going to blame her for the Divine’s death in front of all these people?

 

“You wonder what will become of her murderer. Well, wonder no more! Behold the so-called Herald of Andraste! Claiming to rise where our beloved fell.”

 

Yes, yes the crone was going to blame her in front of all these people. Wonderful. She loved being right, but this was not one of those times.

 

“We say this is a false prophet! A deserter of the Templar Order sent to make a mockery of the Maker’s Word.”

 

The crowd cried out, some in agreement and some in shock. Her insides were boiling. A deserter? Was this bitch serious? The Order was through long before she left and she was not the only one to do so. She was just thankful she got out while she did. She was shaking, this time it was more fury than withdrawal. **Sorry, Josephine.**

 

“Enough!” she yelled her anger unleashed. “I will not listen to these self-serving lies any longer!” She took a confident step forward. “We came here to talk, not listen to you run my name through the mud!”

 

Cassandra was by her side in an instant, trying to show at least a little shred of diplomacy. “It’s true! The Inquisition seeks only end this madness before it is too late!”

 

The Mother spread a smug smile across her face as she pointed of to the left. “It is already to late!”

 

A group of high-ranking Templars approached the stage. She was on edge. She felt herself straighten in attention out of habit and cursed immediately when she did so.

 

“The Templars have returned to the Chantry! They will face this “Inquisition” and the people will be safe once more!”

 

 **Fat chance of that ever happening.** There was no way the Order she left would ever come crawling back to the Chantry as it was now. Almost as if they read her mind a passing Templar punched the old bat in the face, dropping her to her knees.

 

Shock filled her. Had they really stooped so low? Were they now so lost they were assaulting members of the cloth? It was not as though she had done it already in her mind but never would she have actually gone through with it. The crowd screamed in shock and outrage. **Well, looks like they’ve sewn the discord for me.** She wasn’t going to thank them for it. The act was highly uncalled for but she felt slightly grateful all the same.

 

One of the Templar on the stage made to move to aid the fallen mother but was immediately stopped. “Leave her, she is below us.”

 

Disgust flooded her. **Who in the hell did this guy think he was?** He turned and eyed her with as much disgust as she felt. “What the hell was that?” She blurted out as she crossed her arms in anger.

 

He sneered. “I don’t owe any explanation to you, turncoat.”

 

She growled as he walked off stage, her feet carrying her towards the smug man.

 

Cassandra beat her to him. “Lord Seeker Lucius we should-”

 

Her feet froze. “What the actual fuck? This asshole is the Lord Seeker?”

 

Cassandra just covered her face and sighed in exasperation. She did warn them she was not cut out for politics.

 

“You will not address me, deserter.” The Lord Seeker spat at the spot in front of her when her finished.

 

Shae’s hands went to move for her sword but her limbs would not obey. She turned to Solas in disbelief. He had used his magic against her. Obviously, it was for her own good but she felt a little betrayed nonetheless. It always been a silent agreement against them, they were not to use their abilities on one another. It seems he saw this situation the time to break it, while surrounded by a group of hostile Templar.

 

The Lord Seeker raised his eyebrow. “You would allow an apostate to subdue you so easily?”

 

She sneered. “You should be grateful. It saved you from my sword in your chest.”

 

He turned to address Cassandra. “This is your prophet you claim sent from Andraste? This is the leader of your heretical movement? You should all be ashamed. We betrayed no one when we left the Chantry to purge the mages.”

 

She was livid. He was damn lucky Solas was restraining her. “Betrayed no one? You betrayed every oath you ever made, you hypocrite. How is purging innocent mages over mistakes made by a few not a betrayal to the oaths you took?”

 

She could feel herself shaking with rage. She was letting it cloud her better judgment. Shae could also see her words working on the Lord Seeker.

 

“Don’t you dare presume to judge me, bitch! I will rid the world of every magic wielding creature I can find if I have to. Maybe I’ll start with your elven friend here.” He motioned for a few to move in closer to Solas.

 

“Solas let me go!” She yelled in panic. She needed to defend him. They would not have him while she still breathed. The force that held her snapped and she immediately moved to his side drawing her sword. Solas already had his staff drawn and placed his back against hers. Cassandra and Varric were too stunned to be of any help, as they stood planted to their positions. **Thanks a lot, you guys.**

 

She could feel the pressure in the air change as they prepared their smite. **Oh no, you don’t.** They were outnumbered. She did the only thing she could think of. She ripped the glove masking her mark and let it flare for them all to see. The advancing Templar froze.

 

She gave them a feral snarl. “You so much as lay a finger on him and I’ll send you all to the Fade.” She threatened as she let a few sparks fly off the mark.

 

They slowly backed away. Lord Seeker Lucius gave her a chilling look. “You would defend a mage over your own?” His face darkened. “You came to appeal to the Chantry, but it is already too late. The only destiny worth respect is mine.”

 

Surely the rest of them saw how crazy he was acting. Maybe she could convince some to help. She had to at least try. She did not want to see them led astray because they did not know they had a choice. Not dropping her protective stance she addressed the surrounding forces.

 

“Templars, one of your own commands the forces of the Inquisition. I was one of you as well. There is another choice. Join us as we both did!”

 

A couple looked at each other hopefully. They were coming around when the Lord Seekers voice broke the spell her words had begun to create. “Not just one deserter then, but two. Tell me, “Herald”. Does this _Commander_ of yours enjoy fucking his false prophet?” Lucius sneered.

 

 **That was it!** She started charging to wipe that look off his too smug face. “You son of b-” She felt Solas’ magic wrap around her again and she screamed in frustration. “Damn it, Solas! Let me go! He will pay for that!”

 

The opposing man smirked as he watched her struggle. “Templars, with me. Val Royeaux is no longer worthy of our protection!”

 

They marched and took all of Shae’s dignity and pride with them. As the last suit of armor filed out of the gates she felt the magic release her once again.

 

Her body began to shake uncontrollably. She felt a blinding pain push back behind her eyes. The headache she had been able to ignore reared its head. The pain from forcing her mark to ignite seared the nerves up her arm.

 

She ignored it all. She would not show weakness here. The shaking she could not hide but the rest she was determined to push off until she was safely inside her room in the inn. The anger she had used was very unlike her. She knew the lack of lyrium was to blame. She could still feel it pulsing through her as she turned on Solas who was looking at her with concern.

 

“Why did you stop me?” she spat angrily.

 

Solas gave her a level look. “It would have been unwise to let the Herald murder someone in the streets.” He added with a small smile. “Even if he deserved it.”

 

Some of her anger dissipated. Of course he was just trying to protect her and the Inquisition’s reputation. “You used your magic of me.”

 

He looked slightly apologetic. “I did. You could have easily Silenced me to release yourself.”

 

With that her shoulders sagged as she felt the last bit of her anger vanish. “Solas, I would never do that to you. I am not like those other monsters we just faced.”

 

He gave a nod of his head and the issue was dropped. She turned to Varric and Cassandra who were still looking at her in shock. She snorted. “Thanks for all the help back there.”

 

Cassandra looked embarrassed and Varric just shrugged. “You looked like you had it handled. You alright, Violet?”

 

She just nodded. She was exhausted. “Let’s get back to the inn. We all need some rest before we head back to Haven.”

 

They trudged quietly towards the gates. Passersby stopped and turned to their neighbor to gossip behind their hands. She just rolled her eyes. If they wanted gossip, she had just given them enough to last for quite a while. She could just imagine Josie’s face when she heard about the confrontation. She did not envy the diplomat.

 

Before they reached the exit a city elf in mage robes stepped out from the shadows and approached them.

 

“You are the Inquisition, are you not?”

 

She sighed and crossed her arms. “We are. And who are you?”

 

Solas answered for her. “Grand Enchanter Fiona.”

 

Shae’s eyebrows rose. “Leader of the mage rebellion? Isn’t a little a dangerous for you to be here considering there were a contingent of Templar in the city?”

 

Fiona gave a small smile. “I kept a low profile. I came to see the fabled Herald of Andraste for myself.”

 

“At your service.” She swept into a bow. Cassandra groaned and Varric let out a small chuckle.

 

“I wanted to offer the rebel mages services to the Inquisition to help close the Breach,” Fiona said.

 

Shae’s eyebrows rose higher than before. “You want to offer your services to a former Templar? Won’t some disagree with that?”

 

She shrugged. “Some may but after the display I just saw I would gladly offer our help. You stood in harms way to help one of our own.” She nodded towards Solas. “Once I explain what happened, they may change their minds. You don’t know how rare what you did is.”

 

She mulled it over in her mind. She knew she shouldn’t be making decisions without her advisors input. “We will consider your offer, Grand Enchanter.”

 

“That is all I can ask for. Thank you.” She bowed her head and turned to leave.

 

A thought crossed her mind. “Grand Enchanter, wait!”

 

The elf looked back over her shoulder. “Have you encountered an Alec Trevelyan by any chance? He’s a mage with brown hair and distinctive grey eyes.”

 

“I can’t say that I have but there are so many at Redcliffe, Herald. If I come in contact with him I will send word to your spymaster.”

 

Her heart dropped a bit but it was all she could hope for. “Thank you, Grand Enchanter.”

 

Her group turned and continued on their way. The sooner she left that awful city, the better.

 

* * *

 

 

They had their meals brought up to their rooms. No one wanted to interact with the rowdy crowd that had gathered, gossiping about the wild Templar Herald. They had purchased two rooms with two single beds in each. They could not afford anything else.

 

She had grabbed Solas the moment they entered and dragged him into their room before she collapsed in a sweaty, shaky mess on the floor.

 

“Herald!”

 

Solas immediately closed and locked the door and made his way for her. She groaned as he rolled her over on her back. Her tremors had taken over her body. The pain shot through her in continuous waves. Hiding it for so long had increased its intensity. Her arm had long since quit working and her nerves were on fire.

 

She tried to smile. It probably came out more like a grimace but she tried.

 

“I need you to relax. Trying to hold it back is not helping.” Solas lectured.

 

She blew air out through her nose. Her pain threshold was high. It had to be to get through all her training and fighting, but this was a different kind of pain altogether. It was like her body was revolting against itself.

 

“Damn it. It hurts. Why does it hurt so much?” She managed through gritted teeth.

 

“Because you foolishly pushed through and tried to block out the pain through our little confrontation. You’ve pushed your body’s stress level to its limit. It’s fighting you now.” He said as he ran a cold cloth over her burning skin.

 

She was convulsing on the ground as the tremors worsened. “Is it going to stop or am I going to die in godsforsaken Orlais?”

 

He shook his head at her. “It will pass. Luckily the shaking hasn’t turned into to seizures. If that happened, then we would need to worry. We just have to let this run its course.”

 

She closed her eyes. That did not help like she hoped. It felt like she was being turned round and round in circles or had drunk too much alcohol. Only with unimaginable pain. She opened her eyes to see Solas’ stormy blue grey eyes hovering above hers.

 

“I should have warned you not to close your eyes,” he gave her a half smirk.

 

She snorted and immediately regretted it.  **Ow.** "Yeah, thanks for the warning.”

 

He just stared at her intently and shook his head again. “What? What’s that look?”

 

His expression softened. “I did not thank you for earlier. You defended me when we greatly outnumbered. You threatened an alliance and your own health for me. Just when I think I have you figured out, you prove me wrong.”

 

“You don’t have to thank me. I would do it again. My friend was in danger, I would have died before they harmed you.” She stated as if it were obvious.

 

His eyes shone with unshed tears. “A friend? I-thank you, Herald. I’ve not had someone outside of the Fade to call a friend in a very long time.”

 

Her tremors had started to recede. She felt control start to make its way back to her body. She gave him the best smile she could muster. “It’s Shae or Shaelan. I won’t be called Herald by my friends.”

 

He returned her smile and nodded. “Shaelan.”

 

“Much better.”

 

He eyed the one of the beds and then looked back to her. “Do you think you can make it to the bed?”

 

She raised herself up to a sitting position. **Too fast!** Nausea and lightheadedness washed over. A bucket was thrust in front her face as she heaved violently.

 

“I have got to learn to stop doing that.” She moaned.

 

Solas sat the bucket aside and helped her the rest of the way up. Her body crumpled the minute she was fully on her feet. “Maybe I’ll just sleep on the floor?”

 

He gave her a halfhearted sigh. The next thing she knew one arm was tucked behind her head and one under her knees. “What are you doing? You can’t lif-”

 

Her words were cut off when he picked her up easily and started walking her over to her bed. The mage was deceptively strong. She could feel the cords of his muscles in his arms that supported her. The muscles of his chest and stomach pressed against her.

 

He sat her down gently on the bed and then moved across the room to a pitcher. She began stripping off her armor. Her shaky hands making the process longer than it normally took. After she finished Solas returned with cup of water, which she gulped greedily. He helped her back and pulled the covers over her and pushed the strands that had escaped her braid out of her face.

 

Her eyes drooped the minute her head hit the pillow. “Ma serannas, Solas.” She murmured sleepily.

 

If he answered she did not hear. She was asleep as soon as the words left her lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I may have made the Lord Seeker a bit more of a dick than he is in the game. I felt it necessary. An ex Templar being confronted by her old faction is going to bring out the worst side of everyone involved. 
> 
> Elvish translations  
> Ma Serannas- thank you
> 
>  
> 
> Constructive criticism is welcome! This is the first thing I've really written that was even close to this length. And never for other people to read. Kudos and comments are always welcome! <3


	11. Daggers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which, hallucinations happen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize ahead of time for the ending :D

_Nightingale,_

_It seems I told you so is probably not a good way to lead off this correspondence, but I told you so. Would you please apologize profusely to the Diplomat for everything that happened? I will find a way to placate her upon my arrival. Also, tell the Commander to stop scowling. I know he is._

_It seems we also picked up two new recruits. The Iron Lady, which no doubt her reputation precedes her, and a “unique” city elf that goes by Red Jenny. Or her group does, her way of communicating made it hard to understand. We will be home within the fortnight._

_Violet_

* * *

 

Shae had sworn she would not step another foot inside Val Royeaux again, but she did. They were in sore need of supplies for the return journey to Haven. It had resulted in her almost getting shot in the foot by an arrow and receiving an invitation to a posh soirée she had no business being at.

 

They were a few hours from Haven and she had long since regretted her recruitments. Lady Vivienne was a privileged mage who could not see why her fellow mages would rebel. If she had her way then all mages would be returned to the Circles and life would be as it were before. Once she discovered Shaelan was a Templar, Vivienne could not wait to talk her ear off about the tragedy the loss was. To say she was disappointed in Shae’s extremely different viewpoints on the matter were an understatement. The one good thing that she brought was influence; something she hoped would get her back into Josie’s good graces.

 

Sera was a different matter altogether. The city elf was always insulting her or another party member. She did not care for Solas claiming he was “too elfy”, whatever that was supposed to mean. He had tried to converse with her in elven, finally glad to have someone like him among the ranks. Sera had responded by childishly blowing a raspberry in his face before cackling madly. That alone was enough to make Shae reconsider accepting her help. Sera’s one redeeming quality was that she agreed Vivienne was a bitch.

 

The minute Haven was in sight she let out a sigh of relief. They left their horses at the stable and she informed the nearest scout to tell her advisors to meet in the war room and to show the newest additions to where they’d be staying. Sera immediately waved off the scout and headed straight for the tavern.

 

Shae made a pit stop at her cabin to strip off her armor before she made her way to the meeting. Her fit at Val Royeaux had left her drained. The yelling would take a long time she imagined and she would not bear the extra weight of her armor through out it. She quickly tidied her appearance, donned her cloak, and strapped her sword belt back onto her waist before she made her way quickly to the Chantry.

 

* * *

 

The yelling had not been terrible. Once Cassandra jumped in to defend her actions, the others quickly let the topic die. There was no point bemoaning it now. She had dug her grave now she had to lie in it. Cullen was tight lipped through the entire ordeal, which was not what she was expecting. Knowing him, it meant he was saving it for when they were alone.

 

There was still no word about Alec from Leliana or from Grand Enchanter Fiona. She did not know what to make of that. The two women were quite resourceful, if they could not find him he was likely… **no, no we aren’t going there yet.** The longer she went without word though, the less faith she had he would be found. If he were gone, she had no family left.

 

Her father, Bann Trevelyan had made it abundantly clear that he never wished to see her again. He had always loathed his daughter for reasons she could not understand. Finley, being the heir took after him in every way. Where Reed and Alec made her life complete as a child, her father and Finley in turn made it hell. As far as she was concerned they were dead to her already.

 

One good thing came of the meeting. Leliana had more distractions for her. Grey Wardens were disappearing and the timing with the Divine’s death was suspicious enough for the spymaster to send her to investigate. She was to find a Warden recruiter named Blackwall in the Hinterlands and find out what he knew and head immediately to the Storm Coast to investigate sightings of Warden activity in the area. If that were not enough, a member of a mercenary company stopped her upon her exit of the Chantry and invited her to come meet the Bulls Chargers.

 

She agreed knowing full well they needed as many allies as they could get. If they were half as impressive as this "Krem" had said she could not wait to meet them. Her feet had carried her to the dummies on the farthest edge of the training grounds. The hour was late and most recruits and soldiers were settling in for the night. Despite her exhaustion, she needed to clear her head of everything for a while.

 

Shae backed ten paces and grabbed the set of daggers she kept strapped to back of her belt. More than once she had been disarmed and left weaponless. She made a point now of wearing them so in case it happened again she would not be completely defenseless.

 

She flipped the dagger in her right hand caught the edged blade carefully. Taking a deep breath, she brought the dagger up to her ear to aim. Pretending the dummy was the Lord Seeker, she tossed the dagger end over end until it embedded right between the eyes. She repeated the process, this time taking aim for the heart.

Her mark was true every time. By the time she was finished there was a dagger sticking out of every pressure point she could think of. She stood, exhausted as she admired her handy work and wished the dummy were real. Two of her daggers remained as she flipped them end over end absentmindedly as she contemplated, envisioning more ways to make the straw dummy suffer.

 

_Without warning she was in the Ferelden Circle. The dummy had vanished. The night sky was gone. Stone walls surrounded her and she immediately panicked. Then immediately she was transported to the Fade. The desire demon that was transfixed on torturing her appeared from the side cackling as it summoned numerous minions. She attacked viciously. Her sword was forgotten and only her daggers were left to defend her._

_She dodged and ducked, stabbing when she had an opening. Her foes were no match for her fury. With the remaining opponent left at her rear she flipped and launched one of her daggers until in sunk deep into the chest. She caught her breath as she gripped her remaining dagger in her left hand. The fight would not be over by a long shot._

_As if summoned she felt a figure form behind her. Letting it think it had the upper hand she waited until the last possible second and spun, plunging the dagger into the monster’s chest._

 

* * *

Cullen had kept quiet through out the entire meeting. He was angry. He was angry with Shaelan for behaving in such a way. He was angry at the fact that she still had not dismissed the mages as a choice for an ally. Mostly he was angry that she had pitted herself against an entire squadron when they were so badly outnumbered. It could easily have gone very wrong.

 

The minute she left the Chantry he followed, determined to yell or demand what she had been thinking. She had never been one to act so rashly. He could not understand why events had come to a head as they had. Cassandra gave the basics of what happened but he could not shake the feeling that something else had transpired.

 

He stopped a distance away as he faced the training dummies. He shook his head. **Of course, because apparently she didn’t get enough fighting in Val Royeaux.** Waiting for her to pull out her sword, he was surprised when he noticed her reach for numerous daggers lining the back of her sword belt.

 

Intrigued, he stood and watched her far longer than he would care to admit. Her form was flawless. The precision she commanded was enough to challenge a real rogue. To prove his point, with one her last daggers she twisted and turned gracefully. Dodging and striking fake opponents until she flipped and let her dagger fly as it struck home in the pressure point between the chest and the shoulder.

 

He decided now was a good time as never to approach. She had stopped throwing deadly objects at any rate. He was almost on top of her before she realized she had company. She spun on her heel drove the dagger right in the spot she had previously thrown at. Cullen let out a startled grunt as he collapsed to one knee. He hadn’t realized she was still armed.

 

He reached up and felt where the weapon was protruding. Blood was pouring out at an alarming rate. He was too shocked to even register if this was real. Luckily she had decided to take his right shoulder. If she had struck his left, well he may not even be breathing at the moment.

 

Her face was one of pure fury, until she realized what she had done and whom she had done it to. Shae screamed. He had never heard her scream quite like that. It was a sound he never wished to hear from her mouth again.

 

“Maker, no! Cullen!” The agony behind her voice was enough to break his heart. He gasped as the shock began to wear off and the pain made itself known. He could hear how shallow his breathing was becoming. That was never a good sign.

 

“Stay with me, please! Don’t leave me!” **Never.** Tears were streaming down her face as she pleaded with him. He wanted to reach out and wipe them away but he was so tired. He could feel his vision start to blur around the edges.

 

He wanted to reassure her that it was okay. It was his fault for sneaking up on her in the middle of the night after all. Before he could, she kissed him deeply and ran as fast as she could towards Haven.

 

He could feel consciousness slipping from him. He was losing too much blood. Was she saying goodbye? Had she left him to die alone? Was she coming back for him? A million questions flooded his mind. But his last thoughts were of her and her soft lips pressed firmly against his before the darkness took him.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize if the first part is kind of rough. I wrote it in a hurry this morning before I ran off to work. I don't want to be one of those stories that feels the need to retell every single detail and every single meeting between characters. So I've decided to summarize and skim over with letters and such.
> 
> The more important events will be written in full, I promise. I just feel the need to hurry through getting the rest of our companions first and we'll be on our way.
> 
> If I have it my way, we should have Shae's decision between who we side with within the next two chapters :D Who do you guys hope, think, or want it to be? Templars or Mages?
> 
> Comments, criticism, and kudos are always welcome <3


	12. Runner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which, Solas saves the day again and we get new recruits

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in one day? I'm on a roll!

Shae had never run as fast in her entire life. She knew Cullen’s life was based on how quickly she could get help. She tore through the gate, not stopping when Varric yelled after her. Not even bothering to knock she barged into Solas’ cabin and was met with his staff pointed at her face.

 

The moment he recognized her, he relaxed. He then immediately tensed realizing the wreck she was. Her hands were covered in Cullen’s blood. Sweat and tears were streaming down her face and mingled on her chin. Her heart was pounding out of her chest. Disbelief still ran through her. She thought she was attacking a demon but once the illusion cleared and his face appeared she had shattered.

 

His golden eyes looked into hers in shock and in pain. He had no idea she had been in a full lyrium withdrawn hallucination. On the outside, she was sure it looked like she was training. There was no way of knowing the nightmare she was trapped in. He had no reason to suspect she would strike him.

 

Solas grabbed her by the shoulders. “What’s happened?”

 

She just shook her head still trying to deny this nightmare was real. She couldn’t explain, not yet. All she managed was to whisper. “Cullen…”

 

He broke his grasp and quickly gathered supplies before grabbing her by the arm and breaking into a run. “Where?” he demanded.

 

She didn’t answer. She broke from his grip and sprinted to the training grounds. Upon approach she saw Cullen’s collapsed form sprawled on the frozen dirt. Her breath hitched. The moment she was close enough, she dropped to her knees and started searching for a pulse. She cried in relief when she found a faint thrum of life.

 

Solas appeared moments later and cursed. He pushed her out of the way as he summoned his magic and began running his hands over Cullen’s body in examination. She took up the position behind her best friend’s head and placed it in her lap, brushing her fingers through his golden curls.

 

“He’s lost a lot of blood. You’ve nicked an artery. He doesn’t have much time left.” Solas said as he began gathering several cloths. He threw the material at her.

 

“Begin tearing one of those into as many strips as you can. Once this is over I’ll need bandaging.” He began to instruct. He moved his body so he had a clear view of the dagger.

 

After she had finished the strips. He took hold of the daggers hilt. “Be ready with the material I handed you. Once this is removed, there will be a lot of blood. I’ll need you to stymie it as much as you can while I heal the tear.”

 

She nodded. She laid her hand on Cullen’s cheek for a final time before positioning herself. “Just do what you have to. If he dies because of me, I can’t…”

 

Solas’ grip on the dagger tightened. His eyes snapped to hers in a steely gaze. “I’m not going to allow that to happen to the man you love.” His words shocked her. She shook her head. “I don’t…” Solas just gave her a small sad smile. Did she? He was her best friend, the first one she’d run to with her problems and stories, the one who made her laugh when she wanted to cry, the one who had been there for her every step of the way, and the one who supported her and protected her while her world fell a part.

 

It was a feeling she had tried to keep at bay. It was impossible from the moment they met. It was impossible not to fall in love with every stubborn bit of the man. As a Templar, marriage was not forbidden but anything like a family that distracted one from duty was frowned upon. It was all Shaelan had ever wanted. To have someone, who loved her unconditionally and to have children to care for like she had never experienced. He had **made** her want all those things.

 

Of course she loved him. And she had nearly killed him, again. First, in the tower when she had drawn the demon’s gaze to him and the torture had nearly taken him. And now, in her addled mind plunged a dagger into his chest. If he made it through this she would stay away. She would push him away. There was no part of her that could risk harming him more. It would kill her, everyday. But she would do it for him.

 

She readied the cloth and Solas carefully removed the dagger from the wound. Blood immediately began to pour from the opening. She quickly applied pressure. The first cloth was quickly soaked through. She tossed it aside and picked up another and repeated the process. Solas’ hands were glowing as he murmured words over the wound.

 

Shae felt the magic feel the air as the spell began to form. She tossed the bloodied cloth and picked up another. A small whimper came from Cullen’s mouth as she applied pressure once more. The sound made her heart ache. She looked to his face and was startled to see how pale he had become. What startled her more was to see his eyes locked on her as if she were all that was holding him here.

 

The magic had begun to heal. The bleeding was slowing until it became nonexistent. She sighed in relief. Her gaze left Cullen’s and turned quickly to Solas’. He was sweating and shaking from the effort. It must have been worse than he had originally let on. He uncorked a vial of blue liquid and then flinched.

 

She could hear the lyrium calling to her. The song was so strong. All she had to do was reach out and take it and her fight would be over. She would never have to suffer another fit, another nightmare, or another hallucination. She could be free from her pain and suffering. She licked her lips as she imagined she sweet blue liquid running down her throat. And she imagined the power, the invigorating feeling she would receive after every dose.

 

“Shaelan, I apologize. I don’t know what I was thinking.” Solas immediately corked the vial and hid it from view. The song ended when the vial left.

 

Her eyes looked up to see the elf’s apologetic and concerned gaze upon her. “Don’t.” she croaked. “Don’t you dare pity me. I don’t deserve it. Look what I did.” She positioned herself back to where she cradled Cullen’s head in her lap. His eyes were unfocused as she began to stroke his hair and saying goodbye the best way she knew how. Silently.

 

* * *

 

 

He was in pain but it was manageable. That much was certain and he knew he wasn’t dead. Or was he? The first face he saw was Shae’s. If there was a heaven this was surely it. Her white gold hair shone in the moonlight. Her violet eyes twinkled as she looked down at him as she brushed her fingers through his hair. There was a small, sad smile on her face. She was hauntingly beautiful.

 

He closed his eyes and sighed in contentment. Yes, he was surely dead or dreaming. Only in his wildest daydreams would she ever show this type of affection. He felt a smile form on his face as he opened his eyes to gaze on her.

 

“You are…” he sighed, “the most gorgeous angel I’ve ever seen.” He brought his hand up to rest upon her cheek.

 

Her face contorted in guilt and pain as removed herself from his touch. “Shush. You’re delirious.”

 

He heard a man’s familiar voice beside him. “I need to close the wound by hand. Magic can only do so much and my mana is depleted.”

 

Shae’s eyes snapped shut and her jaw clenched. When she opened his eyes he could see the hurt there. “Just do it. The scar will be a reminder for him to stay away from me.” She whispered as a tear escaped her.

 

His forehead wrinkled. What was she talking about? Why would he need to stay away from her? If this was his dream why could she not stay? This was supposed to be what he wanted after all.

 

“I’ll go get some help to bring him to his tent.” The man said and he disappeared from the edge of his vision.

 

She just nodded in response, never letting him out of her sight. “I’m so sorry.”

 

He brought his hand up to her cheek and brushed away the tears. With her free hand she gripped his and clung to him as if she would lose him forever. Too soon she released his grip and tilted his chin up.

 

“I need you to drink this. It will help with the pain and let you rest.” She said as she placed the tip of small vial to his lips.

 

He gave a small nod and drank the concoction. The changes he felt were instant. He could already feel the darkness start creeping in around him. He fought the urge to close his eyes.

 

She spoke again. This time it was barely a whisper. He had to strain to catch the words. “I keep hurting you, I have to stay away.”

 

His confusion grew. What was she talking about? He shook his head. It was a mistake. He groaned, as he had to close his eyes to fight off a wave of nausea. Footsteps approached them and he felt himself being lifted from her touch.

He felt her hand grip his as they moved, rocking back and forth until the placed him on the softest surface he had ever felt.

 

Once again darkness was descending on him. This time he could not hold it back. He felt a faint brush of lips against his. A hand smoothed fallen curls from his face. His furs were pulled over him and he sighed happily.

 

“I love you, Cullen.” The words were carried away by the wind before he could figure out if they were real. The last thing he heard before the medicine took him under. “Goodbye.”

 

* * *

 

 

 

Shaelan had gathered her group and left at first light. Cullen was stable and he would recover. As soon as that was certain, she knew she needed to leave. It was the coward’s way out. She knew she would have to face him eventually. He deserved better. She was running away from her problems and she knew it.

 

They quickly made their way to the Hinterlands. Blackwall was not what she was expecting. He was ruggedly handsome. His beard was marvelous. She just wanted to reach out and touch it. Which she did, leaving the man flustered and fumbling for words.

 

It turns out he knew nothing about the Wardens sudden disappearance. If anything he seemed offended at the implication they had had anything to do with Divine’s death. She turned to leave and smirked when he called after her. She tried to hide her satisfaction when the formidable warrior pledged himself to her service.

 

After acquiring Blackwall, the group along with their new addition rode to Storm Coast. The name was more accurate than was wanted. They were immediately soaked through upon arrival. Solas was the only one who remained dry. She glared at him through wet hair and was returned with smug smile. **Lucky mage bastard.**

 

He must have sensed her thoughts because he snorted and the next thing she knew she was wrapped in a wave of magic. The rain rolled off the barrier around her and she sighed in relief. “You could have done that earlier you know. I’m still sopping wet. It chafes.” She said as she crossed her arms in a pout. He chuckled at her behavior and the next thing she knew another wave of magic hit her. Her clothing was dried out, including her smalls.

 

“Is that better, Herald?” Solas teased.

 

She hummed in approval. “Much. Ma serannas.”

 

“Hey! The rest of us are wet too, Chuckles. A little help?” Varric yelled. Cassandra, himself and Blackwall were watching the exchange in contempt. She struggled to keep the laugh in her throat. The three looked like drowned rats.

 

Solas just raised an eyebrow at her. She nodded. Words were not needed to communicate between them much anymore. Their expressions were much like she imagined her own were once they were dried.

 

“What would we do without you, Solas?” she said gratefully as they marched from the newly formed camp.

 

He knew she meant more than just saving them from the irritating rain. The glance they exchanged said as much but all the same he replied, “I imagine you’d all catch terrible colds, Herald.”

 

Varric laughed. “Did you just make a joke, Chuckles? What had Violet done to you?”

 

Solas did not answer but she saw the small smile creep across his face.

 

* * *

 

 

The Bulls Chargers were every bit as impressive as promised. Their leader, a large horned Qunari warrior, hefted a large two-handed axe into to battle. Between opponents she watched as he cut men in half. Oh, he looked like fun. She was more than ready to accept his offer.

 

After both of their groups had dispatched a group a Venatori mages, some supremacist sect from Tevinter, he approached the group. He immediately revealed that he was a spy from the Ben-Hassrath sent to spy on the workings of the Inquisition. She had to appreciate the honesty. Even knowing that she still accepted his offer. He stayed to help her slowly growing group of misfits and sent the Chargers to Haven.

 

She marched ahead, looking for clues of Warden activity. The Iron Bull as he called himself strode up beside her. He towered over her. The sight was surely comical when she looked up to glance him over.

 

His one eye looked her over as well. “How long has it been?”

 

Her eyebrow quirked up at the question. “How long has what been?”

 

He lowered his voice. “When was the last time you’ve had lyrium?”

 

She jumped at his question. She looked around, making sure no one else had heard. The group was still a ways back so she exhaled the breath she did not know she had been holding. She turned back to Bull. “How did you know? Solas is the only one I’ve told. I thought I was keeping it hidden.”

 

“Relax, Boss. Spies remember. It’s my job to notice these things.”

 

“But I never even said I was a Templar. How did you know?” she asked curiously.

 

He shrugged. “You didn’t have to. I watched you fight. You’re impressive. You tilt your shield down to deflect spells, it’s a tell of your training.”

 

“Hmm.” She responded not being able to think of a reply.

 

“Is there a reason you’ve only told the elf? Why keep it a secret? It’s an admirable feat.”

 

She sighed. “It’s…complicated. Let’s just say that there are people who would be hurt if they found out. Not many try and stop. Those who do go mad or die. I would rather them not have to be witness to it.”

 

“Come on,” she said after a long silence. “Let’s find the rest of the Warden’s campsites and the Blades of Hessarian.”

 

* * *

 

 

The trudged back to camp worn and haggard. The battle with the Blades of Hessarian’s leader and a giant had taken its toll on them. Luckily they had found a manuscript that allowed her to create a necklace that allowed her to walk right up to him. After his defeat, the group had happily pledged themselves to her and through her, the Inquisition.

 

All and all the trip had been a success although the Wardens had evaded them. The more clues they uncovered, the more and more their activity seemed suspicious. They were tracking someone. Not something the Order was particularly known for.

 

After supper they had all gathered around the campfire and told stories. The newest members fit in well to their tightly formed little family. It was something Sera and Vivienne had not managed in the weeks they traveled with them. She had gladly left them in Haven when she left.

 

They passed around a large flask Bull had provided. Solas took a small swig and blanched. “Fenedhis! What is that?” He passed the flask to her.

 

Bull just laughed. “Maraas-lok. The stuff will make you a man.”

 

Solas just shook his head. Shae was amused. “Oh come on, _hahren._ ” She emphasized the word as she teased him. “It can’t be that bad.”

 

She took a deep swig. The burn was incredible. It was the single most powerful drink she had ever had. She coughed slightly at the sensation but was soon choking on her words as she felt every organ become ablaze as the liquid made it’s way down.

 

She coughed harder as she struggled to breathe. She turned and saw Solas grinning. “You were saying, _da’len_?” He teased smugly. She stuck her tongue out at him.

 

“Hey!” Varric shouted. “Would you two knock it off with the elvish and pass the flask around already? The rest of are thirsty.”

 

She blushed as she passed it on to Blackwall. Before she could retort a scout came running up to her.

 

“Message for you, Your Worship.” He said as he bowed and ran off.

 

A message this late at night must be urgent. She tuned the scroll and saw the Nightingale symbol. Worry spread through her. She tore open the letter. She prayed Cullen had not relapsed.

 

Instead the letter contained only four words, but those words sent her heart to rejoicing.

 

 

_Violet,_

_We found him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, we are finally getting somewhere! I can't wait! Almost 20 kudos you guys! That's amazing. I hope the upcoming chapters don't disappoint. 
> 
> Elvish translations-  
> ma serannas- thank you  
> hahren- elder, used as a term of respect  
> da'len- little child, or "little one"
> 
> I enjoy knowing what you think and also if notice any errors on my part let me know. It is only me over here writing and editing so sometimes things fly under my radar
> 
> Kudos and comments are always welcome <3


	13. Distance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we learn about Alec and have a confrontation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay! I've been in the process of moving and between that and work writing took a backseat. The Cullen viewpoint was written quickly and a few days ago so if it doesn't quite flow I apologize.

He remembered the dagger. He remembered Shae’s screams. Everything after was a haze. He had woken up in his bed to find a healer watching over him and informing him of what had happened. He had lost a lot of blood, if not for Solas he would be very much dead.

 

The most irritating part was the healers insisted he keep his arm rested in a sling so he would not reinjure himself. He had protested immediately. He was the Commander of the Inquisition’s forces. He needed to be seen whole and well and able to train his troops. His words were lost on deaf ears.

 

His next move was to find Shae. He had almost expected her to be there beside him when he woke up. His medicated dreams were of her. She had kissed him and told him she loved him. Her dream form did at least. He sighed. He needed to apologize for scaring her. He knew she was probably punishing herself for what she had done.

 

He knocked on her cabin door and got no reply. He pushed the door open and found it completely empty. Her armor and pack were gone. Something was wrong. He ran towards the war room, hoping to find her there. Before he could open the doors to the Chantry, he was stopped.

 

“She’s not there.”

 

He turned and saw Leliana watching him from the mouth of her tent.

 

He marched to where she stood. “Where is she?” he demanded.

 

Leliana gave him a level look. “She left at first light, taking her companions with her.”

 

He frowned. “Why would she just leave?”

 

The spymaster just shrugged. “If I had to guess, she is wracked with guilt. You did not see her face as they carted you to your tent. She looked broken. She did not leave your side until she knew you would recover.”

 

His heart clenched. He did not want to imagine that sort of pain on her face. Instead he thought of all the reasons she would leave so quickly. Realization hit him. “She’s avoiding me. She’s going to try and push me away.”

 

Leliana gave him a sad smile. “I don’t know her as you do. If I had to guess though, that is exactly what she is doing.”

 

He clenched his fist. He nodded and stalked back to his tent. She was going to talk to him. She had no choice. As soon as she got back he was going to drag her off and talk some sense into her. She thought she would be able to push him away like she could anyone else. He would not allow it.

 

* * *

 

 

She had been gone for two weeks. If not for Leliana’s letter, it would have been put off much longer. She was nothing but a ball of nerves. Usually Haven was a comfort. It was a home even. Now though. Now she had to face the consequences of what she had done. Cullen was not in his usual station, barking orders at the training recruits. For that she was grateful. She didn’t think she had it in her to face him yet.

 

She saw Bull and Blackwall situated comfortably. Both had saw fit to settle in near the blacksmith, which made the task take far shorter than she had hoped. She sent a message calling her advisors to the War Room. She had put off facing him for long enough and she was anxious to hear what Leliana had found.

 

On the walk to the Chantry, she slowly pulled up a mask that was becoming all too familiar. The evening air was bitter cold. It bit through her armor and the padding underneath. Still, she stood outside taking breaths in and watching white puffs fill the air as she exhaled. The ritual was oddly calming. When she felt her mask was completely in place she marched the rest of the way, her head held high.

 

She closed the door firmly, instantly gaining attention of everyone gathered in the room. Her eyes briefly flickered over to Cullen and she had to stop herself from dropping her façade. He was still in that stupid sling the healers insisted he wear. Solas had been able to repair the tear to the artery but the muscle and skin needed time to heal on its own. It was like a slap in the face.

 

He was doing his best to gain her gaze but she refused. One look into those warm amber eyes right now and she would lose all resolve to push him away. Instead she turned her eyes to the awaiting spymaster. Leliana’s eyebrow was cocked at her ignoring of a certain Commander but said nothing. She always seemed to know exactly what was going on. It was both comforting and unnerving at the same time.

 

“You’re sure it’s Alec?” She held her breath in anticipation.

 

“My scouts are quite certain. He’s assumed an alias, dropping the Trevelyan name and he’s dyed his hair. But there is no hiding the eyes and his other features match the description you gave me.” Leliana explained.

 

She was still slightly skeptical. She did not want to get her hopes up and have them crushed when it turned out they had all been wrong. “What’s the name he’s assumed?”

 

“Garahel.” The red head stated.

 

Her voice caught in her throat, causing a strangled noise to escape her.

 

“I take it you recognize the name?” Leliana questioned.

She let out the breath she had been holding. It was him. “Yes.”

 

They had loved the story as kids. Garahel, an elven rogue, and his sister Isseya, an elven mage, riding griffons and fighting the Blight with the Grey Wardens. Garahel had struck the killing blow to the archdemon Andoral, thus ending the Fourth Blight. It was ironic how their childhood identities had now switched. It was her now who have to play the hero if Thedas were to have a chance.

 

Cullen cleared his throat. “That sounds…elven? Has no one thought to question why a human mage is claiming an elvish name?”

 

“Well it did bring attention to him, obviously. She found him.” Shae spat.

 

Cullen flinched at her tone. His face drew up in confusion at her reaction. “How can we even be sure its him?”

 

“It’s him.” She said in a tone that brooks no argument.

 

He obviously did not get the hint. “But-”

 

“I said it is him.” She cut him off and gave him a deadly glare.

 

He got the hint this time. She turned her attention back to Leliana who watched the exchange passively. “Where is he?”

 

“Redcliffe, Herald. He’s taken refuge with the rebel mages gathered there.”

 

She nodded. “Thank you, Leliana. I appreciate you doing this for me.”

 

“Of course. May I suggest talking to the Grand Enchanter while you are there? It would not hurt to hear what she has to say.”

 

Cullen cut in before she could answer. “You can’t be serious! The rebel mages are desperate. You can’t think they are the better option.”

 

Cassandra who had remained quiet through much of the meeting spoke up. “I agree with Cullen. It could be much worse than the Templars.”

 

Shae felt her annoyance begin to heighten into anger. She kept her voice dangerously calm. “Do I not get a say?”

 

They both looked stricken but Cullen recovered quickly, his anger contorting his features. “You can’t seriously being considering this! About turning your back to the Order!”

 

If she was angry before she was furious now. Still, she kept her neutral mask and deceptively calm voice intact. “I believe that is my decision and I will gladly talk to her. We will leave in two days. My group needs time to rest. If that is all?”

 

Apparently he was not willing to drop it as quickly as did. “Shaelan, you can’t-”

 

“I have made my decision, _Commander_.” His eyes widened and his mouth stood open. Never had she used his title with such disdain. His face darkened as she turned away.

 

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m exhausted and a bath is calling my name.” With that she turned on her heel, the feeling of his eyes following her as she walked away.

 

* * *

 

 

She felt her muscles relax the minute she shut the door to her cabin. She had not realized how tense she had been. The bath was sounding more and more like the best idea she had come up with in weeks.

 

The bath had already been drawn for her and a heating rune placed at the bottom to keep the water warm indefinitely. She thanked the Maker for whoever had come up with such a wonderful invention. She felt the steam lick her face as she passed and sighed in content.

 

Shae made her way to her armor stand and begin to strip. First her breastplate, then her pauldrons, and her vambraces and gauntlets. She placed each in its respective spot before moving to her lower half. The greaves were finally removed and she felt lighter than she had in a long time.

 

Her chainmail and padding she left in a pile on the floor. She would tend to those later. Adding her breast band and smalls to the pile, she slipped a robe over her that Josie had provided for such an occasion. She was not one who usually indulged in such frivolities but tonight she needed it.

 

She hadn’t quite knotted the tie to the front her robe when her front door slammed open. Her instincts took over and immediately ran to unsheathe her sword from the corner she had laid it in. She turned swinging the sword in front of her and prepared for the attacker. Her sword point landed straight at the intruders’ chest.

 

“Going to stab me again?” Cullen’s voice snapped at her.

 

Her face contorted into a mix of emotions. Her guard dropped and she looked away. Not an intruder, just an angry man. Her eyes snapped back to his face. Guilt was etched into every inch.

 

“I’m—” She turned away from his apology and returned her sword to its sheath.

 

With her back still turned, she took a deep breath and felt the mask slip on once again.

 

“Is there a reason you broke into my cabin, Commander?” She asked irritably as she turned to face him with a blank face.

 

He glared at her. “The mages? You would seriously consider allying with them after everything we have been through?”

 

She sighed exasperated. “It would be wise to hear what they want to say. I will not turn my back on them like the rest of the Order has over the mistakes of the few!” She looked down at her bare feet to break eye contact.

 

His hand on her chin jerked her head upright. His grip was like a vice. His face was getting darker by the minute.

 

“Mistakes?! One slaughtered almost an entire tower of innocent people. Another blew up a Chantry full of even more innocent people and that incident started the mage rebellion! Those are not mistakes, that is cold blooded murder!”

 

She tried and failed to look away from his furious glare. He had been through too much. She knew he was trying his hardest to change. In most ways, he had always been as tolerant as she was with the mages. His experiences had twisted that. This had to do everything with the fact that she had not sided with him and wanted to help the Templars.

 

Meeting his gaze she responded. “The Templars have lost their way. They terrorized the clerics. They’ve killed innocent mages for no reason other than their blind hatred. Lucius said as much.” His glare changed to shock. She kept going. “They insulted you, that you were fucking me just for sport…”

 

She let the implication hang in the air and his anger had returned. She knew his anger now was being redirected slightly but not enough. His grip tightened and she knew there would be bruises in the morning. Still she continued. “They threatened to kill Solas They threatened to kill me in the process. They would have made good on it if it had I not thought to use my mark.”

 

His expression softened a bit. The anger was still there barely beneath the surface. She knew her next words would reignite the flare and she braced herself.

 

“I have not made my decision. I am only going to speak with the Grand Enchanter but in all likelihood that is where I will place my alliance. The Templars have made it very clear they’d rather see me dead than help. If the mages can supply us the help we require sealing the Breach I will gladly take it.”

 

“You cannot do this. I will not allow it. ” He bit out angrily. His grip tightened further causing her to wince. She had never seen him so angry. He had never caused her harm, she knew he never intended to either. His fury was getting the best of him.

 

She needed to break free before he did any more damage. She jerked her head from his grip and slapped him across the face. His anger immediately dissipated. Shock and guilt took over as he realized what he had done. She had been determined to put some distance between them. Now was the time to start.

 

She put as much menace into her voice as she could manage. “You overstep yourself, Commander. I am the one makes the decisions. You order me to do nothing.”

 

“Shaelan, I—”

 

“Get. Out.” She said through bared teeth.

 

“Sha—”

 

“Now!” He looked as if she had struck him again. His mouth opened as if to speak again before he closed it again. His face was full of more pain and regret than she could explain. She turned her back. He would not sway her no matter how much she wanted to reach out and comfort him.

 

At the sound of the door slamming, she let out a breath she did not know she had been holding. All the fight that was in her left in one drawn out breath. She dropped her robe and approached the steaming bath.

 

She gently lowered herself in. The warmth held no comfort. She huffed in annoyance and dunked her head under the water. No matter how hard she tried to block it out, she couldn’t block out the hurt on Cullen’s face.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Cullen may seem more angry about this situation that he appears in the game. I did this for a few reasons. It is not likely he would be very happy with someone has gone through similar situations as him to be okay with considering the mages over their old Order. Also that face that his best friend is doing her very best to push him away on top of his sufferings from the withdrawal. That would make anyone furious.
> 
> Redcliffe is next I promise! I am already in the process of writing it so hopefully if it is not up by tonight it will be up tomorrow. 
> 
> Critique is always welcome! I love to hear thoughts and opinions.
> 
> Comments and kudos always make my day :D


	14. No Choice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we meet with Fiona and something is definitely wrong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright so I apologize if most of the dialogue is from the game in this chapter. I don't feel confident enough to change Fiona's and Alexius's dialogue. So it stayed.

 

The trip to Redcliffe was a welcome relief from Haven. So far Cullen had avoided her at every turn, not that she had sought him out. It was better that way.

 

Her jaw was still sore from his grip. Just like she had predicted angry finger shaped bruises had formed the following morning. Solas had been furious when he spotted them. He had offered to heal them but she refused. There was no need to waste his magic on such a small injury.

 

They were a mile away when she began to feel the nerves. What if it wasn’t him? What if she and Leliana had both been wrong? She knew it was highly improbable but that did not stop the doubt. Her thoughts returned to the last time she had seen him.

 

It had been chaos. The Templars had invoked the Rite of Annulment. They were killing mages in their beds; even the children did not escape their wrath. It made her sick to her stomach. She had done her best to save as many as she could. In the end she had been able to save a group of young apprentices that she had found with her brother.

 

She had planned to go back in for more but she had taken a gash to the side from a fellow Templar as they escaped. To go back in would have surely meant her death. She was too injured and those caught helping the mages were being killed as well. She would have stood no chance alone and injured. She grimaced as she remembered the pain and the guilt that had wracked her for abandoning the other innocents trapped inside.

 

“Are you alright?”

 

She turned to see Solas watching her with an intense concern. She gave him a small smile. “I’m alright. I was just remembering the last time I saw my brother. It was not… a pleasant memory.”

 

He just nodded in understanding and did not breach the subject any further. That was one of the things she liked best about him. He knew well enough that there was some things she did not wish to talk about. He never pried and was always patient with her.

 

They continued to ride in a comfortable silence. They no longer felt the need to fill the air with idle conversation like they had in the beginning. The only change to their little group was Blackwall. He had insisted on being part of the mission. Cassandra was more than a little peeved at being left behind but in the end relented.

 

In all honesty, Shae had been grateful to leave her behind on this trip. She liked Cassandra; they were starting to form an actual friendship. It was just they way she had immediately supported Cullen and the idea of going to the Templars that had her relieved Blackwall had volunteered. If she did decide to side with the mages and at this point it was probably going to happen, she did not want to see the disappointment of the Seekers face. Or her anger for that matter.

 

The gate was in sight when she felt the agonizing tug of the mark as it came to life. A rift was nearby. Her heart dropped when she noticed where it was. The sparks from the rift flared as more demons began to pour out. It seemed the only way they were going to enter the city was if they took care of that first.

 

She called a halt. They all dismounted and prepared their weapons for the onslaught. She took a deep breath and charged forward. Blackwall was right on her heels. Already she could feel the familiar tingle of a barrier cast over her by Solas. Varric was already firing away with Bianca, taking out a couple of wraiths on the outskirts of the rift.

 

It was Shae and Blackwall’s job to keep the other demons distracted from their long-range companions. It was easier said than done. This rift felt…different. One moment she was fighting off a slow moving rage demon and the next it was a blur of red. It took every reflex she had to dodge the super speed flames being shot at her.

 

She had lost track of what was happening around her. Focusing on not being burnt to a crisp seemed just a bit more important. A blast of frost froze the beast, giving her the opportunity to shatter the remains. The mark flared in protest. With the last demon gone, she gave in to the tugging and raised her hand. They immediately fused as the mark tried to sew the torn Veil around them.

 

It was much harder than rest had been. She grit her teeth to fight back the scream that had worked its way up her throat. With one last pull, she felt the snap and the rift disappeared.

 

She inhaled deeply as her nerves were lit on fire. The flames were more intense than ever and she is struggling to keep from screaming. Instead she cradles her arm into its usual position and turns to face the rest of her party.

 

Before she can ask if any of them had noticed anything different, a guard came running from where she had been hiding. “Oh, thank the Maker!” The guard then turns and yells at the gate. “The demons are gone! Open the gate!”

 

With a sputtering jolt the heavy iron slowly begins to lift and grants them entrance to the city. One of Leliana’s agents greets them on the other side.

 

“Your Worship, we’ve announced your arrival but you should know no one here expected you.”

 

Her eyebrows gathered in bewilderment. “What about the Grand Enchanter? She is the one who invited us.”

 

“If she was, she hasn’t told anyone. We’ve arranged use of the tavern for negotiations.”

 

She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. “And my brother?”

 

The scout’s hesitation made her stomach clench. “Where is Alec?” She scowled.

 

Before he could answer a mage came running up to them. “Apologies, agents of the Inquisition. Magister Alexius is in charge now. He has not yet arrived but is expected shortly. Perhaps you can speak with the former Grand Enchanter in meantime?”

 

The all exchanged a knowing look before following the young man. Solas appeared at her side. “Something feels off here. The Veil is weaker here than in Haven and not just weak but altered in a way I have not seen. That rift appeared to alter the time around it. Be wary.” He whispered.

 

* * *

 

 

They walked into the tavern cautiously. Their footsteps echoed across the worn wooden floor. The quiet that was settled into the once raucous building made her uneasy.

 

Awaiting them was a group of skittish mages. One in particular though stood out. He was the only who looked like he wouldn’t run away at the first sign of trouble. She would know that clenched jaw anywhere. His hair was now dyed a bright blonde but there was no denying those distinctive grey eyes. **Alec.**

 

He looked stunned to see her there. He was not the only one.

 

“Agents of the Inquisition, welcome.” Grand Enchanter Fiona made her presence known. She remained calm although her tone gave away how puzzled she was at their appearance. “What brings you to Redcliffe?”

 

“Umm, you invited us here back in Val Royeaux. Do you not remember?” She questioned in disbelief.

 

Fiona shook her head. “You must be mistaken. I have not been to Val Royeaux since before the Conclave.”

 

“Then you must have a twin Grand Enchanter because I’m certain it was you who requested this meeting. If not you, then who was it?”

 

She could see something close to recognition forming and then it disappeared in an instant. “I…I don’t know. Now that you say it, I feel strange…whoever or whatever brought you here, the situation has changed.”

 

She paused. “The free mages have already… pledged themselves to the service of the Tevinter Imperium.”

 

Shae felt like she was going to be sick. Her gaze fell back to Alec. He looked livid. Obviously this was something the Grand Enchanter had not informed the others about until the deal was already done.

 

“You have got to be joking? If Thedas was against you before they definitely will be now!” She screamed in frustration.

 

Varric piped up. “Andraste’s ass…I’m trying to think of a single worse thing you could have done. And I’ve got nothing.”

 

Solas had mix of sympathy and disgust written on his face. “I understand that are afraid, but you deserve better than slavery to Tevinter.”

 

Fiona looked resigned. “As one indentured to a magister, I no longer have the authority to negotiate with you.”

 

Her brother’s nostrils flared but kept his mouth shut. With that her anger began to grow. No sibling of hers would ever be a slave if she had anything to do about it.

 

“Then who do I talk to?” She fumed.

 

The door slammed open. A man in the most ridiculous clothing she had ever seen strolled in as if he owned the place. “Welcome, my friends! I apologize for not greeting you earlier.”

 

**Who the hell is this guy?** “Agents of the Inquisition, allow me to introduce Magister Gereon Alexius.”

 

Of course. “The southern mages are under my command. And you are the survivor, yes? The one from the Fade? Interesting.”

 

She immediately disliked the man on principle alone. The fact that he was now scrutinizing her in a condescending tone did not help.

 

She forced her face into the most pleasant expression she could muster. If she was going to gain the mages and her brothers freedom then she would have to be diplomatic. Maker, help her. “If you have control of the mages then let’s talk. I’m sure we could come to some type of agreement.”

 

“It is always a pleasure to meet a reasonable woman.” He motioned for her to a table and they both seated themselves. Without breaking eye contact, he motioned for the young man who had followed him in. “Felix, would send for a scribe, please? Pardon my manners. My son Felix, friends.”

 

She wanted to scoff at being called this man’s friend but resisted. Felix bowed and walked off leaving the two of them in a face off. Alexius was the one who finally broke the silence. “I am not surprised you are here. Containing the Breach is not a feat that many could even attempt. There is no telling how many mages would be needed for such an endeavor. Ambitious, indeed.”

 

She had to bite back the snarky comment. That was not going to help her here. “Does that mean you’ll lend your mages to our cause?” She inquired sweetly.

 

She heard Alec snort at her attempt. He knew better than anyone how put on the act was. She was anything but sweet. She eyed him and he stopped. The exchange was not lost on the magister in front of her. “Do you two know each other?”

 

Alec froze. His eyes screamed at her to deny. Like she would be stupid enough to admit that he was her family. That would automatically put him more danger than he was already. “No, we do not. I was just looking at the man who so rudely interrupted our conversation.”

 

Alexius did not seem convinced but he let the subject drop. “As I was about to say, there will have to be—”

 

His sentence was broken off as Felix reentered the room. He was stumbling slowly towards them. Both Alexius and Shae rose from their chairs. In that moment, Felix collapsed into her arms. She grunted in surprise.

 

“Felix!”

 

“My lady, I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.” As she helped him back onto his feet he pushed a note into her hand.

 

Alexius looked terrified. “Are you all right?”

 

“I’m fine, Father.”

 

Alexius ignored him. Concern laced into his voice. “Come, I’ll get your powders. Please excuse me, friends. We will have to continue this another time.”

 

“Fiona, I require your assistance back at the castle.” He ordered as he ushered his son away.

 

He turned back one last time. “I shall send word to the Inquisition. We will conclude this at a later date.”

 

Alec followed him out but not before giving her a pleading look. As soon as the door closed she dropped the act. She shrieked as she picked up a bottle and tossed it across the room. It shattered on impact reminding her just how her heart must look right now.

 

“Shae?” Solas placed his hand on her shoulder.

 

She shrugged it off. “Well now we have no choice, do we? I can’t very well leave Alec and the others to a life of slavery. And we certainly can’t have Tevinter breathing down our necks.” She sneered.

 

The paper crumpled in her hand. She opened it and read it out loud. “Come to the Chantry. You are in danger.” She rolled her eyes. “No shit. A blind person could’ve figured that out.”

 

“Oh, very mysterious.” Varric snickered.

 

She smirked. “Well, it could very well be a trap but we need to investigate. Let’s do it.”

 

* * *

 

 

They expected many things when they opened the door to the Chantry. Another mage fighting off demons from a fade rift was not one of them.

 

“Oh good, you’re finally here! Now help me close this, would you?”

 

This rift was much like the one they had faced outside of Redcliffe’s gate. Things would slow and speed up without warning causing a few very close calls.

 

And much like before her entire body was writhing in complete agony as she closed it. When the rift was gone, the stranger turned to face them.

 

“Fascinating. How does that work exactly?” He asked astonished.

 

At her silence he laughs. “You don’t even know do you? You just wiggle your fingers and boom! Rift closes.”

 

Shae laughed with him. “Well it is a bit more painful than that but yes, that basically sums it up. Who are you anyway?”

 

“Ah. Getting ahead of myself again, I see.” He bows. “Dorian of House Pavus, most recently of Minrathous. How do you do?”

 

“Another Tevinter? Why are you here?”

 

“Magister Alexius was once my mentor, so my assistance should be valuable – as I’m sure you can imagine.” He said matter of factly.

 

Her eyebrow rose. “You’re betraying your mentor because…?”

 

He sighed. “Alexius _was_ my mentor. Meaning he’s not any longer, not for some time.”

 

His voice turned grave. “Look, you must know there’s danger. That should be obvious even without the note.”

 

“It was, yes.”

 

“Smart woman. Now, let’s start with Alexius claiming the allegiance of the mage rebels out from under you.” He stated. “As if by magic, yes? Which is exactly right. To reach Redcliffe before the Inquisition, Alexius distorted time itself.”

 

“I hope that’s less dangerous than it sounds.” She stated hopefully.

 

“More.” Dorian responds.

 

“Well, that figures.”

 

Solas joined in. “That is fascinating, if true…and almost certainly dangerous.”

 

She snorts. “Of course you find this fascinating, _hahren._ How am I not surprised?”

 

Solas chuckled.

 

Dorian continued, ignoring their banter. “The rift you closed here? You saw how it twisted time around itself, sped some things up and slowed others down. Soon there will be others like it, and they’ll appear further and further from Redcliffe. The magic Alexius is using is wildly unstable, and it’s unraveling the world.” He finishes ominously.

 

“Well that’s…not comforting. Are you certain?”

 

“I know what I’m talking about.” He answered frustratingly. “I helped develop this magic. When I was his apprentice, it was pure theory. Alexius could never get it to work.”

 

He placed his hand on his chin. “What I don’t understand is why he is doing it? Ripping time to shreds just to gain a few hundred lackeys?”

 

Felix appeared from behind them making them jump in surprise. None of them had heard him enter. “He didn’t do it for them.”

 

Dorian brightened. “Took you long enough. Is he getting suspicious?”

 

Felix shook his head. “No, but I shouldn’t have played the illness card. I thought he’d be fussing over me all day.” He turned to Shae. “My father has joined a cult. Tevinter supremacists. They call themselves ‘Venatori’. And I can tell you one thing: whatever he’s done for them, he’s done to get to you.”

 

“And here I didn’t get him anything.” She joked.

 

“Get him a fruit basket. Everyone loves those.” Dorian quipped.

 

She was starting to like him. He was just the right kind of sarcastic.

 

“Knowing it’s a trap is the first step to your advantage. I can’t stay in Redcliffe. Alexius doesn’t know I’m here, and I’d like to keep it that way for now. But whenever you’re ready to deal with him, I want to be there. I’ll be in touch.” And with he departed leaving the four of them standing in the empty Chantry.

 

“What now?” Blackwall asked.

 

“Well, it’s not as if we can march in there without help. We’ll have to return to Haven.”

 

With luck, word from Alexius will have arrived before they do. **I’m coming Alec. I promise.**

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so Redcliffe is a bigger undertaking than I imagined. It's going to have to be split into multiple chapters.
> 
> Thanks again for all the feedback and support I have received! It means a lot. If you notice anything missing or something doesn't quite make sense just let me know. I'll happily fix it.
> 
> It's also been brought to my attention that I use the same words too often. For this I apologize. I tried my best to make sure that doesn't happen in this chapter and will make sure to do so in the future. The last thing I want to do is sound repetitive.
> 
> Comments and kudos keep me going :D


	15. Surrounded by Vints

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we argue a lot and face off with Alexius

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your wonderful comments! They mean so much to me! 
> 
> Over 400 hits and over 30 kudos! That's much more than I could have imagined.
> 
> Thank you all for your continued support and loving this story as much as I do :)

Shae knew no matter what she said or did nothing would deter Cullen from wanting to ally with the Templars. Still, that was not stopping her from striding into the war room with a confidence she no longer felt. Her world had crumbled more times in the past months than it should in a lifetime. Alec was just the icing on the cake.

 

The advisors were already in the midst of an argument when she made her appearance. They did not stop on her account, if anything Cullen seemed to become more hostile.

 

“We don’t have enough people to take the castle! Either we find another way in or give up this nonsense and go get the Templars!” he ranted.

 

Her fists clenched, the cool demeanor she had put on was immediately shattered. “And leave Redcliffe in the hands of a Tevinter magister? Abandon my brother to a life of slavery? Out of the question!”

 

“I sympathize with your burden Herald but one man is not enough to sway my mind. The mages made their bed, now they must lie in it.”

 

She slammed her palms on the table and stared him down. “You stubborn son of a—”

 

Josephine cleared her throat, but she refused to break the gaze. To back down, would mean defeat and that was not an option.

 

“Yes, Josie?”

 

The ambassador sighed at their bullheadedness. “The letter we received from Alexius asked for the Herald of Andraste by name. It’s an obvious trap.”

 

She smirked. “How sweet of him. Tell him I gladly accept his offer.”

 

“Absolutely not.” Cullen snarled.

 

Leliana approached the table. She had been silent during the entire exchange, observing as she always did. “A Tevinter controls Redcliffe, invites us to talk, and some of us want to do nothing.”

 

Josie groaned. “Not this again.”

 

Cullen gripped his sword tightly. “Redcliffe Castle is the one of the most defensible fortresses in Ferelden. It has repelled thousands of assaults.”

 

His face was a battlefield of emotions. Frustration, worry, anger, hurt, and something else she could not place. It left her baffled as to how to respond. By the time he continued his voice had become much gentler. Her Cullen was back. “If you go in there you’ll die. If I lose you…” He coughed and straightened realizing what he had done. “ If we lose you we’ll lose the only means we have of closing the rifts. I won’t allow it.” Just like that he was gone. The hardened man she had begun to create had returned.

 

His words felt like a sword to the gut. Of all people she had expected him to think of her as more. More than a weapon. More than a tool that was disposable as soon as its job was complete. Apparently not.

 

Leliana interjected. “And if we don’t even try to meet Alexius, we lose the mages and leave a hostile foreign power on our doorstep!”

 

“Even if we could assault the keep, it would be for naught. An “Orlesian” Inquisition’s army marching into Ferelden would provoke a war. Our hands are tied.” Josephine added.

 

She began to protest. “The magister—”

 

“Has outplayed us.” Cullen interrupted.

 

She folded her arms. “I refuse to give up. Surely there is another way in?” she pleaded.

 

“There is nothing.” He scoffed.

 

“Cullen, I swear to the Maker if you make one more negative comment I will—”

 

“Wait. There is another way into the castle. An escape route for the family.” The spymaster interceded again. “It’s too narrow for our troops, but we could send agents through.”

 

“Too risky.” Cullen argued. “Those agents will be discovered well before they reach the magister.”

 

Leliana was already ahead of him. “That’s why we need a distraction. Perhaps that envoy Alexius wants so badly?”

 

Shae felt a flare of hope for the first time since she walked in. “That’s perfect. I’ll do it.”

 

Cullen opened his mouth to disagree but was cut off by the door banging open.

 

“Luckily, you’ll have help.”

 

She beamed at the intruder. “Dorian, about time you showed up.”

 

“You know me, I like to make an entrance.” He winked.

 

She giggled causing Cullen to scowl deeper than before. His leather gloves creaked in protest as he gripped the hilt of his sword tighter.

 

“Your spies will never get past Alexius’s magic without my help. So if you’re going after him, I’m coming.”

 

“I have no complaints.” She grinned at the Tevene.

 

Cullen cleared his throat, drawing her attention back to him. “This plan puts you in the most danger. You’ll be playing the bait. This will not end well.”

 

“I’m doing it.” She stated stubbornly.

 

“Shae, please don’t do this.” He begged.

 

“I said I’m doing it. Drop it, Cullen.”

 

His fist collided with the table, sending several metal markers clanging to the floor. “Damn it, you stubborn woman! Do have a death wish?”

 

The room settled into an uneasy quiet as the two once again engaged in a battle of wills. Their eyes alight with fire.

 

Dorian whistled lowly trying to break the tension. Then he chuckled. “Lover’s quarrel?”

 

Shae and Cullen both blushed a brilliant shade of crimson. “No!” They responded in unison.

 

The other women in the room just moaned a resounding, “Yes.”

 

She cleared her throat, avoiding her Commander’s lingering gaze. “Well, if we are finished here. I’ll inform Solas and Blackwall and begin preparations.”

 

Leliana just gave a knowing smile. “Of course, Herald.”

 

She bolted from the room. Dorian followed and shouted after her. “You know there are worse things than giving in to mutual desire!”

 

The Chantry clerics stopped what they were doing and turned in her direction. She ducked her head and dashed out of the Chantry, her cheeks flaming. **Damn it, Dorian.**

 

* * *

 

Dorian had parted from them shortly after they entered the main gates to the village. He would arrive with Leliana's scouts while herself and the others provided the distraction needed to infiltrate the castle. Solas had not hidden his contempt for the man and there was no amount of relief on her end when the two were finally separated. She would need to remember that for future expeditions should they all make it through this disaster.

  
  
The moment the castle doors closed behind them they were surrounded by guards. There was no doubt now the man meant to kill her. Her muscles tensed under her armor. Her senses were on alert for an impending attack that did not come.

  
  
Instead a man approached them. "The rest of you will remain here. The invitation was only for Mistress Trevelyan." He ordered.

  
  
She rolled her eyes. **Because that wasn't obvious.** "If they don't come with me, then I don't go any farther." She crossed her arms and glared.

  
  
In the end he relented and led the group in to throne room. She did not fail to notice more guards lining between the pillars along the way. To the untrained eye they were hidden amidst the shadows but she had been taught to look for such things. Her hand moved slowly to rest on the hilt of her sword.

  
  
Sitting on the arl's throne was Alexius. He looked quite pleased with himself as they walked willingly into his trap. **Little did he know.** She smirked. That is until she noticed who was chained to the chair beside him. **Alec.** She paled but otherwise did not let her expression falter.It would not due to let Alexius know he had gotten to her.

 

Her sibling looked haggard. As if he had not eaten or slept properly since last she saw him. It made her blood boil. Felix was standing slightly behind his father. The look he gave her was apologetic and nervous. If he had been in his fathers eyesight he would have surely given them away.

  
  
"My friend, welcome!" Alexius faltered slightly when he spotted her guests. "And agents of the Inquisition, of course."

  
  
She put on a winning smile before answering. "Magister, thank you for meeting with us so quickly. We were delighted to accept your invitation."

  
  
That might have been a little overkill on the niceties but Alexius seemed oblivious to it. "Of course, Herald. I believe we were just getting to business before Felix fell ill."

  
  
She nodded. "We were. I do hope he is feeling better?" She knew the episode had been faked but she had to stall for time. How she hated pleasantries.

  
  
"Much better, my lady," Felix answered her.

  
  
"Should we get down to it then?" Shae suggested as she heard new footsteps ghost across the marble floor. It would be difficult to notice had she not known to listen for it. **Just a little longer.**

  
  
"I believe you wanted the use of my mages to help seal the Breach, yes?"

  
  
"I did indeed." **And I'd also like my brother unchained you bastard.** Her nostrils flared but kept her thoughts to herself.

  
  
"Are we not to have a say in this?" Grand Enchanter Fiona appeared on the dais Shae was occupying.

  
  
Alexius sighed. "Fiona you would not have pledged yourself to me if you didn't trust me completely.

  
  
She wanted to laugh. If there was anyone she could trust less it was the snake before her. "I couldn't see why she wouldn't trust you. You just have one those faces, Alexius."

  
Her attempt at humor was not appreciated if his scowl had anything to say about it. "Now the question is, what are you willing to offer me for them?"

  
  
A quiet gurgle escaped from behind them. Leliana's agents were making their move. Time’s up.

  
  
"Nothing. I plan to take them from you, including the one you have so cruelly chained to your stolen throne."

  
  
His eyebrows furrowed. "You dare threaten me?"

  
  
"Oh no, that was not a threat Magister. That was a promise." She grumbled. "Now tell me why you want to kill me."

  
  
He gasped. "I…I surely don't know what you mean."

  
  
Felix strode forward. "They know everything father."

  
  
Betrayal and hurt passed over Alexius' face. "Felix, what have you done?"

 

“Again, why do you want me here?” She spat.

 

He rose from his seat. “Do you even know what you are?” He questioned. “You walk into _my_ stronghold with a stolen mark—a gift you don’t even understand—and you think you’re in control? You’re nothing but a mistake!”

 

 **Stolen mark?** She put the thought aside for now. “You invade Redcliffe, indenture the mages, and chain _my_ brother. You’re a damn fool in you don’t believe I’m taking over! You will release him.”

 

She drew her sword. “Your brother? I thought a friend, a lover maybe. But that is much better than I expected.” Alexius replied smugly.

 

“Oh, well done Sis.” Alec moaned.

 

“Stuff it, Alec.” She mumbled.

 

Felix intervened. “Father, listen to yourself! Do you know what you sound like?”

 

“He sounds exactly like the sort of villainous cliché everyone expects us to be.” Dorian commented as he strolled casually into the room. “At your service, my lady.” He flourished into a bow.

 

“Wondered when you were going to make you grand entrance.” She jibed.

 

“I had to wait for him to stop monologuing. The man always did love to hear himself talk.” The Tevene mage joked.

 

“Dorian.” Alexius sneered. “I gave you a chance to be a part of this. You turned me down. The Elder One has power you wouldn’t believe. He will raise the Imperium from the ashes.”

 

“Who the hell is that?! Is he the one who killed the Divine? Is he a mage?” Shae shouted.

 

“Soon he will become a god.” Alexius answered. “He will make the world bow to mages once more. We will rule from the Boeric Ocean to the Frozen Seas.”

 

“You cannot involve my people in this!” Fiona exclaimed.

 

Dorian slowly walked towards his old mentor. “Alexius, this is exactly what you and I talked about _never_ wanting to happen! Why would you support this?”

 

The magister turned away. All at once the remaining Venatori were taken out while Alexius was too distracted to notice.

 

“Stop it, father.” Felix pleaded. “Give up the Venatori. Let the southern mages fight the Breach, and let’s go home.”

 

His father spun to face him. “No! It’s the only way, Felix. He can save you!”

 

“Save me?” Felix questioned.

 

“There _is_ a way. The Elder One promised. If I undo the mistake at the Temple…”

 

“I’m going to die. You need to accept that.” Felix spoke gravely.

 

“Seize them Venatori! The Elder One demands this woman’s life!”

 

All around them was a mess of gore. Inquisition soldiers stepped over the Venatori agents choking on their life’s blood and made their presence known.

 

“Your men are dead, Alexius.” She started forward brushing off Solas as he tried to grasp her arm. “Hand over my brother. Now.”

 

“You are a mistake! You never should have existed!” Alexius thundered.

 

He sounded exactly like her father. An amulet hovered into the air. Sparks of green began to flash from it as he began to cast. She could feel the strength of the magic beginning to form.

 

“No!” Dorian was at her side in an instant. He twirled his staff and sent a jet of green flying, trying to disrupt what his mentor had begun.

 

It was too late. Whatever Alexius had been doing succeeded. A swirling hole appeared before her. It beckoned her forward until she was sucked into the revolving mass. She felt the waves of magic crash into her. It overwhelmed her senses and then all she knew was darkness as it drove her to unconsciousness.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I once again made another character slightly more than he was in the game. Like I did with Lucius, I decided Alexius needed to be just a bit more cruel than he was for this to work into my story. I hope you guys don't mind all the liberties I've been taking! 
> 
> I've also changed Alec's age. I realize I had originally named him Shae's twin in chapter 4 when I meant him to be a year older. I've corrected that mistake and also did an overhaul on the flashback on the noble in the same chapter that will come back in to play later on down the road.
> 
> Okay guys so I'm going to be on vacation for the next week or so. Yay, Panama City! I will be taking a notebook on the car ride down so hopefully I will get some writing done. I will try to write some at nights as inspiration hits but I'm going to do my utmost to relax. So that means I may or may not get another chapter out this week.
> 
> Also any character you'd like to see more interaction with? I'm open to suggestions. There's always room for more :)
> 
> Again, thank you guys so much! If you notice anything missing or something doesn't make sense let me know. 
> 
> And feel free to comment and let me know what you think. It makes my day when they appear in my inbox <3


	16. The Future is Bleak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we arrive in future Redcliffe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I managed to get inspiration my last night at the beach! Yay for me but boo for horrible internet access. It's agonizingly slow.

She awoke in a flooded jail cell. She coughed up the liquid that had lodged itself in her lungs and stood. She was not alone. A very wet and disgruntled Dorian was with her. His flawless hair was a sopping mess. It took everything in her to stifle her laughter.

 

“Not a word.” He threatened with a pointed stare as he tried to fix his locks.

 

“Blood of the Elder One! Where did they come from?”

 

She jumped. She cursed herself for failing to notice two guards had entered the room at the sounds of their arrival. **More Venatori.** The castle was swarming with them. How had Leliana’s people missed these two? It made no sense.

 

She gave them no more time to react as she charged, forgoing her sword in favor of her daggers in close quarters. The fight was over before it had begun. She was too agile for them even in all her armor. She dodged an oncoming sword and slid her dagger across the throat of one while simultaneously gutting the other. As soon as he was down she slit his throat as well to stop the gurgling and sheathed her daggers.

 

“That was…impressive.” Dorian gaped at her. She laughed as she started searching for the keys to the door.

 

“I do believe the first compliment you’ve ever paid that wasn’t about yourself.” She teased.

 

“Yes, well can you blame me? I’m quite dashing.”

 

She rolled her eyes refusing to indulge his already oversized ego. “So any idea where we are and what in the hell Alexius cast on us?”

 

“It was a displacement spell.” Dorian explained. “It was meant to remove you from time but I interrupted it. It looks like we are still castle but…”

 

She let him contemplate as she fished the keys from one of the guards and started working at the door. She shuddered at the thought that had Dorian not been there she would have ceased to exist. **Father would rejoice.**

 

“Of course!” Dorian’s outburst broke her from her dark thoughts. “It’s not where we are but when.”

 

The door clicked as she found the correct key. “Are you telling me that asshole used more time magic on us?”

 

“It appears so. With the same amulet I should be able to reverse the process and send us back.”

 

“And you wonder why people fear the mages? No one should be able to control the flow of time. It’s unnatural.”

 

“Spoken like a true southern Templar.” He murmured.

 

She growled. “Don’t **ever** call me that again. I am nothing like them. Not anymore.”

 

He looked abashed but otherwise agreed and both exited the cell in search of Alexius.

 

* * *

 

 

There was red lyrium growing from everything. She would be lying if she said it wasn’t affecting her. It sung to her. The song was different than that of its blue counterpart. The red was stronger, more volatile; its song was a strange and haunting melody. It beckoned her like a moth to a flame and it took every bit of willpower to resist.

 

A light sheen of sweat had begun to cover her face they farther the moved through the dungeon. Fighting the temptation was starting to take its toll. They had started searching cells a while back, hoping to find someone who could talk to them and tell them what was going on. It was looking bleak. And then she heard a shout.

 

“I hear you!” The familiar voice pulled her towards the nearest door. Inside Solas was locked in a barred cell. She approached and unlocked the door with the set of keys.

 

Solas startled at her appearance. “You…I saw you die. How is this possible?”

 

Dorian stepped forward then and explained their predicament. Solas seemed to understand immediately. “Can you reverse the process?”

 

“We think so, yes. Solas, you look horrible. Is that—” She stopped as she really took in his appearance for the first time. His eyes had a red tint to them and she noticed small juts of the accursed mineral growing from him.

 

He seemed to understand her line of questioning. “It is red lyrium, yes. If you are exposed long enough it begins to consume you until you death. They then mine your corpse like they would iron.”

 

Disgust filled her. How could anyone do this to another living being? Keep them long enough until they were completely consumed by the horrid substance and then use it as if they hadn’t just taken a life. It made the call she felt weaken, if only a fraction and that disgusted her all the more.

 

She reached out to him to give him comfort. It hurt her to see her friend and confidante in such pain. He recoiled from her attempt.

 

“Don’t!” He exclaimed. “You are already at more risk than the mage and I would not see this corrupt you as well. I’m dying. You still have a chance to make it out of this.”

 

“Solas…”

 

“We should move on.” Dorian offered.

 

She nodded. They found a decent staff for Solas and continued their search. “So besides red lyrium everywhere, did we miss anything else?”

 

The elven apostate snorted humorlessly. “I wish that were it. The Elder One has taken over everything. The Inquisition was crushed. Orlais fell after Empress Celene’s assassination and he now has an army of demons at his disposal.”

 

Dorian whistled lowly. “You see, my dear. We leave for one second and the world goes into chaos. If that isn’t proof of how vital we are I don’t know what is.”

 

She turned her head to face him. “So we shouldn’t make this a weekly thing? That’s a shame. I’m quite fond of what they’ve done with the place.”

 

The Tevene mage laughed. “Oh, we are going to get along wonderfully.”

 

Another shout from behind closed doors alerted them to Blackwall’s presence. He thought she was her spirit who had lost its way to the Fade. It took a lot of convincing but he finally realized it was her when she ran her fingers through his beard like when they first met.

 

“My lady!” He cried in relief. He looked just as bad as Solas, if not worse.

 

“How long have you all been in here?” She questioned.

 

“You’ve been gone an entire year.” Solas answered.

 

Her stomach plummeted. A year? It left her wondering just how in the world she was going to defeat this Elder One if he could wreak this much havoc in that amount of time. The Inquisition was tiny, an ant compared to the masses he had at his disposal. It made her doubt what she had already accomplished. All they had was the misguided hope that this mark on her hand would be enough.

 

She faced her companions. “Where’s Alec? He isn’t…” She trailed, not daring to force her fears out loud.

 

Solas softened his expression. “He was alive the last we saw him. It’s quite possible he is still lives.”

 

They exchanged a silent look relaying all that needed to be said. She turned and exited the room, determined now more than ever to find Alexius.

 

* * *

 

They had searched the extent of the lower levels of the dungeons. Their efforts had proved futile.

 

Until they heard the screams. Not just anyone’s screams, these pulled at her heartstrings. These were the screams that haunted her nightmares. **Cullen.** She sprinted down the remaining hallway with a cursing Dorian on her heels.

 

“Fasta vaas woman, what is it?”

 

She did not answer. How did he get here? He was safely tucked away at Haven before they had disappeared. How was he captured? Why was he screaming? All those questions disappeared when she heard another shriek.

 

She broke down the door in time to see him branded with a hot poker through his side. She could smell the burnt flesh. The scent made her stomach turn. She willed away the feeling. Now was not the time. The torturer turned in time to see her dagger flying through the air and lodging into his heart.

 

Cullen was emaciated. He had burns and deep cuts all over his body. Not deep enough to kill but enough to inflict incredible pain. Bruises littered his body. A particular nasty one told her he had suffered significant internal damage.

 

She slowly made her way to where he was manacled. He did not seem to notice her approach until her hands were on his face. He flinched from the contact, expecting more pain. When none came he raised his eyes to meet hers.

 

Horror spread across his face as he tried to get away from her. “Get away from me demon! Have you not tortured me enough?”

 

She started at his outburst. It was eerily similar to how he had reacted to her in the Circle Tower. “Cullen,” she cooed, “it’s me. I promise.”

 

“Lies! She’s dead!” He yelled in anguish. “She’s gone, I failed her! You will not tempt me any longer!”

 

Tears streamed down her face. How much more pain could she inflict on this man? How much more suffering did he have to endure? He had been through enough.

 

“Cullen. It really is me, I swear.” And because she knew that would not be enough she raised her head to show the green and yellowing bruises his fingers had left a week before. “Look, I still have the bruises. Would a demon have these?”

 

Doubt clouded his face. It was enough. She slowly approached and began undoing the locks on his wrists. When he was released he collapsed into her waiting arms and they fell to their knees. She cradled his face and kissed his forehead as he shook.

 

His honey hues met hers. His hands began exploring what he could of her while still in her armor. He finally settled on the nape of her neck as he pulled her closer to him until her head rested on his shoulder. He inhaled and cried out. “It’s you. It’s really you.”

 

He gripped her tighter to his chest as if he was afraid she’d disappear if he relinquished her. “Shae.” He whispered in reverence. It made her insides flip.

 

She leaned back to look at him. Tears were freely falling down both of their cheeks now. He raised a rough hand and wiped hers away and caressed her face. She leaned into his touch.

 

“We really should stop meeting like this.” She teased through their waterworks.

 

Cullen chuckled and then wheezed as he clutched his side. **Broken ribs as well.** They would all pay for the suffering he had gone through.

 

A cough startled them both from their intimate embrace. “I hate to interrupt such a heartbreaking reunion but we are in a bit of a hurry. Evil and all that.” Dorian waved nonchalantly.

 

She flushed. “Right. Sorry.” She turned to face Cullen again. “Can you stand?”

 

“I-yes. I think so.” He stood. Only when she was sure he wouldn’t collapse did she release her hold from him.

 

“Care to tell me how you got here?” She questioned.

 

Blackwall interjected. “The fool came charging in here the minute he heard you were gone.”

 

She whirled around. “If you weren’t already injured I would hurt you. Why would you do that?!”

 

“I had to find you. I could not believe you were gone.” He muttered, looking away.

 

“So you thought charging into one of the most defensible fortresses in Ferelden was a good idea? You were safe. Why would you risk that for a death mission?” She asked exasperated.

 

He stared at her intensely. “You really have no idea, do you?”

 

“What are you talking about?” Confusion laced her voice.

 

Cullen opened his mouth to answer but was cut off. “Seriously, you two could we get out of the torture chamber please?” They both sighed and acquiesced the Tevinter only stopping for Cullen to locate his sword and for Shae to slip a shirt over his head.

 

Cullen grasped her hand in his as they walked forward. She squeezed in reassurance trying to let everything she was feeling through touch alone. He visibly relaxed at her encouragement.

 

“Do you know where Alec is?” She murmured into Cullen’s arm.

 

He clenched his eyes as if he was trying to block out something. “I-I don’t think you should try to find him.”

 

She stopped as they entered what looked like the hallway to the living quarters. “And why not?”

 

“Shae, please. Just trust me.” He pleaded.

 

She jerked her hand from his and headed towards the first door and opened it. “I will not! Not until you give me a good reason.”

 

He opened his mouth to answer before his eyes widened in horror. She turned to see her brother. Only it wasn’t her brother any longer. Alec was struggling to maintain control but it was already too late. He had succumbed to a demon. She could see him shift back and forth as he fought.

 

She felt her feet moving forward before a pair of strong arms restrained her. She was screaming and struggling to break free. “No! Alec!”

 

Alec turned and gave her a sad smile before throwing himself into the massive fireplace behind him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I took a couple of writing liberties. I placed Cullen in Leliana's spot because there is no way he isn't going to charge in there like an idiot once he hears Shae is missing.
> 
> I also placed Alec in Connor's spot. It worked so much better that way. I had originally had Alec and Cullen both undergoing torture but it felt like too much.
> 
> Also I apologize if I'm not getting Dorian's voice right. I wanted to give it a test run in this chapter. If it is completely horrible let me know and I'll try and stick to more game dialogue with him.
> 
> Comments and kudos keep us writers going so feel free to leave them! :D


	17. We're Both A Mess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we finish our trip to the future

He expected her to crumble. He expected her to flail to the ground in despair or shout in rage. She had just witnessed what he was certain one of her worst nightmares come to life. He did not expect her to turn to stone. To become rigid in his arms and stop screaming in an instant.

 

Shae broke from his grip. She turned to face the group. “Let’s go.” Her voice was devoid of all emotion.

 

She was doing it again. It was her way of coping. She would push everything down and store it away in a place deep place within her until she finally broke. That had not changed over the course of time. Of course it had only been a few seconds for her.

 

For him it had been an agonizing year without her. The moment he heard of her disappearance he had refused to hear or see reason. He gathered a contingent of soldiers and marched on Redcliffe. He had been so determined to find her and to see her safe. It had blinded him against the sheer stupidity of his plan. His men were slain and he was taken prisoner and tortured up until the moment she materialized before him.

 

They followed their silent leader until they were lead outside onto the docks. He could hardly stifle his gasp when he noticed his surroundings. The usual lively area was dark and dank. Red lyrium was everywhere, growing from every place imaginable.

 

He could see Shae ahead beginning to shake. He wondered if it was her warring with herself or something else. It seemed to get worse every time she passed a strain of red lyrium. Her strides were becoming shorter; her breath was labored as he approached.

 

“Are you alright?” He worried. He had never seen her in this state. His closeness allowed him to notice sheen of sweat along her face.

 

She winced at the sound of his voice. He had not spoken that loudly had he? She brought her hands up to massage her temples. “I’m…fine.” She strained.

 

It reminded him of when he had stopped taking lyrium. The symptoms had long since stopped for him. That had been part of their torture. They had soon discovered his weakness. They shoved the horrible substance down his throat and they had been force-feeding it to him every since. And that’s when it dawned on him.

 

“How long has it been since you’ve had lyrium?” He asked.

 

She startled at his question as she pushed the door open to reveal the courtyard. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She muttered.

 

“Don’t pull that with me. I know the signs.” **Better than anyone.** He did not say that out loud. She could not find out this way. If she somehow got back and realized he had kept that from her. He shuddered at the thought of her berating him, of the betrayal in her eyes.

“Can we not do this now?” She stopped to face him fully after a flight of stairs.

 

“And when else would we do it? I’m dying Shae.” A pained expression crossed her face. “It’s not like my past self will retain any of this. Now tell me.”

 

She sighed heavily. “Since the Conclave.”

 

The Conclave? How were her symptoms this far along already? She was already much farther into them than he was and he had stopped before joining the Inquisition. It made no sense.

 

His thoughts must have shown on his face because she kept going. “Solas believes the mark is somehow speeding the process along. It has not been pleasant to say the least. If I make it to close the Breach at this rate it will be a miracle.”

 

If she makes it that long? Of course she’d make it. How could she doubt herself? She was the strongest woman he knew. “Maker, Shae. Why didn’t you tell me? I could have helped. I could have…”

 

He trailed off as she gave him a knowing look. Of course he knew why. He would have been furious with her for risking herself when she was so important to the world. To his world if he let himself admit it. There also would have been nothing that he could do to help. There is no cure. If anything he’d be moral support and that would make him feel less than useless.

 

She opened her mouth but all that came out was a muffled scream as her mark flared. He closed the distance between them. She did her best to push him away as she tried to stifle the pain. Over her shoulder he saw the tell tale signs of the rift that they had not noticed before.

 

Demons were pouring out. The others were already making their way to fight but he lingered behind. “Are you going to be able to fight?”

 

She shot him a raised eyebrow as she readied he weapons. “I’m fine. I do this all the time. I’m more worried about you.”

 

“We’re both a mess. Let’s just go.”

 

She didn’t answer as she charged into the fray. Even as weak and as in pain as she was she was still a force to be reckoned with. He was in awe as he watched her briefly. He joined the fight and realized just how bad of shape he was in. He was horribly weak. His strikes barely doing any damage but he refused to back down.

 

He finally took a rage demon down when he felt the atmosphere shift. He turned as he saw Shae and the rift become one. She was enveloped in the otherworldly green light. **Beautiful.** She gritted her teeth as she forced her hand to seal the tear in the Veil with a snap.

 

Her arm fell limp and she automatically moved it to cradle against her chest with a sigh. “Does this always happen?” He asked Solas and Blackwall.

 

Shae said no as the other both answered yes unanimously.

 

“Traitors.” She murmured and then stuck out her tongue at them before walking towards the castle entrance.

 

* * *

 

 

She had tried her best to keep her cool and to hide the pain she was feeling. That all evaporated the moment she had laid eyes on Alexius, who in her opinion had as good as killed her brother. Let alone that he had ordered Cullen to be tortured.

 

She would have none of his defeated self-loathing. She made her way to a shell of Felix and slit his throat. She wanted him to watch as the person he loved most in this world was torn from him like he had taken Alec. She had underestimated him and he was sent into a fit of rage, opening multiple rifts while they simultaneously fought him. So she made bad decisions, what was new?

 

Her arm had never ached as much as it had by the end of the battle. Alexius had been slain by Cullen. She had her back turned and was closing a newly opened rift when she heard the blood-curdling yell. Alexius had opened it as a distraction and was about to end her when Cullen drove his sword through him.

 

**Always my savior.** Even in his weakened state he had been able to protect her. Okay so she may be need saving while she was saving everyone else but not anymore than that. She would not be saying the words out loud either.

 

Dorian had found the amulet. “It’s the same. That’s a relief.”

 

“So you can take us back?” She asked hopefully.

 

“Just give me an hour to work the spell and you’ll be home to your Commander.” He waved.

 

She was going to protest that Cullen wasn’t _her_ Commander when said person interrupted. “An hour! You must go now!”

 

A high pitched shriek broke through the barriers of the surrounding walls and sent Shae’s already pounding headache into the most unbearable pain she had ever felt. Her body was shutting down on her when she needed it the most.

 

“The Elder One.” Cullen murmured. “Cast the spell, you have as much time as we can give you.”

 

Her head snapped up at that. Solas and Blackwall nodded to each other and headed towards the doors. “You can’t! You’ll die!”

 

Solas gave her a sad smile. “We already are. I’d rather die fighting for you than become the monsters we’ve seen.”

 

“I agree, my lady. Allow us to do this for you.” Blackwall concurred and they both closed the doors to the main hall leaving Dorian to cast his spell and Shae and Cullen to stare at one another.

 

She was hunched over in agony but she was not going to take her eyes off of him. Everything about him was scarred or sunken but those eyes... His eyes were still the same warm golden honey she knew so well and she held his gaze. “Cullen, please don’t.”

 

He moved to her and wrapped her into his arms and laid his head on top of hers. “I must. If it keeps you safe and prevents all this from happening, I’ll gladly lay down my life.”

 

The pounding started on the door and she knew Solas and Blackwall had fallen. It would be too soon before he would be ripped from her arms but not right now. She squeezed him harder. He chuckled. “Who knew you cared so much?” He murmured into her hair.

 

“Shut up.” She grumbled.

 

He laughed harder. “There’s my girl. I wondered where she was hiding.”

 

She slapped him playfully and he gave her a loving grin. It was a grin she’d never seen on his face before. It was one she would probably never see again. She would cherish it for the rest of her life.

 

He leaned down and placed a lingering kiss on her forehead. She closed her eyes and laid her hands on his chest where heart was beating erratically. She smirked knowing she made him react that way. The pain she felt a moment ago was a distant memory. The pressure of his lips was firm as if he was trying to convey everything he felt into that one action alone.

 

He broke away quickly and suddenly and turned to face the door. She started backpedaling to the dais where Dorian was working, refusing to look away. “Not going to say goodbye?” She yelled.

 

He didn’t turn around. “I can’t. I’m not strong enough. You can’t make me.”

 

She could her the smirk in that last sentence. “You stubborn ass. I’ll make you pay for that somehow when I get back.”

 

“Even though I’ll have no idea why?”

 

“Yes even then.”

 

He snorted. “I’d expect nothing less.”

 

The doors broke open. Terrors and all amounts of demons began entering the main hall. One threw Solas’ lifeless body to the floor as it emerged. Whatever light mood Cullen and her had tried to create was shattered in an instant.

 

He took one to down and then another. He rolled over top of one and stuck one with his sword and another with a dagger that he had not had before. She felt the back of her belt and noticed one of hers was missing. **That sneaky bastard.**

 

She was not expecting him to be taken over so quickly. He was being held in a chokehold as his eyes met hers with a look of acceptance. “No! Don’t you give up.”

 

She started towards him when Dorian grabbed her arm. “You move and we all die!”

 

She looked frantically between Cullen and the warped area that was forming behind her. She almost said screw it all. Screw the world she left. Screw the Breach.   
Screw anything else but rushing to his aid. Almost. She knew Cullen would never forgive her if she threw it all away just to kill herself in the attempt to save him. She looked back at him one last time.

 

She wished she hadn’t. The pain reemerged with a vengeance as his throat was slit the moment she had had faced faced him. She was pulled by the collar into the whirling tunnel and then that world was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your continued support! It blows my mind that this has over 40 kudos and almost 600 hits. Thanks to all those who have commented and bookmarked and my loyal readers!
> 
> Your support keeps this story going :D


	18. The Inevitable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which it finally happens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your continued support! It's amazing! :D

She stumbled out of the portal and was immediately hit with a wave of nausea. It seemed like red lyrium had finally accomplished what she had tried to hold off for so long. Her body was going into full revolt. She just needed to get through this and get everyone back to Haven and she would give in. Too much was at stake to cave now.

 

She straightened much to her body’s protest. Even the slightest movement was painful and she fought hard to keep the grimace off her face. Dorian had been successful it appeared. The throne room was completely normal. Well as normal as it could be with a shocked Tevinter magister and her brother chained to the throne.

 

Her heart rejoiced at seeming him alive and whole. She would be lying to herself if she said the abomination she saw in the future was everything she feared would happen. She knew very well that it would haunt her dreams.

 

Dorian had made a quip, which she sort of resented him for if only for stealing her line. Alexius fell to his knees in defeat but she felt no sympathy for the man. She unsheathed her sword and made to march up to the dais to end him as Cullen had done not minutes before but a hand on her forearm stopped her.

 

She spun to see Solas. He looked whole; no red tinted eyes only his stormy blue to return her gaze. The red lyrium was gone, his haunted expression all but a memory. She was trembling and sweating and he noticed immediately. His eyes scrunched and began eyeing her carefully.

 

“Let me go, Solas. I’m finishing this.”

 

He shook his head. “Maybe that is not the best idea. Would it not be better to take him to custody and make judgment later?” She heard the “when you are not in complete withdrawal” that he refused to say out loud.

 

“You have no idea what he is capable of. You have no clue what he did! It would be wiser to end him before he has the chance!” She shouted.

 

She made to turn but was stopped again by him. She glared at him. He didn’t back down, not like she had expected him to.

 

“Let the Knight-Captain do what she wants elf. Killing mages is what you Templar do best right Sis?”

 

She flinched from the use of her title and the accusation. She whirled around surprised at the vehemence in Alec’s voice. He had never talked to her that way before. Maybe it was foolish on her part to believe that after Ostwick nothing would change between them. Alec had always had no problem with the Templar, but that was before they started killing innocent mages in front of his eyes.

 

She saw nothing but distrust in his gaze when he looked at her. The display she was creating was not helping. She sheathed her sword. “Arrest him and take him to Haven.” She ordered the Inquisition troops lining the hall. She made them pause as he passed by and fished the key out of his pockets before allowing him to pass.

 

She stumbled up the dais and released the locks tethering Alec to the throne. He rubbed his reddened wrists before shouldering past her to stand with the remaining mages. The physical pain did not compare to the emotional hurt she felt. Reed was dead and all but lost to her and Alec couldn’t stand the sight of her.

 

It couldn’t get much worse. The doors to the hall opened and Ferelden troops marched into the hall. **It gets worse. Of course it does.**

 

King Alistair Theirin entered the hall as she staggered down the stairs to lean on her elven healer. His majesty banished the mages from Ferelden and she leapt at the opportunity recruiting them as allies to the Inquisition. Even if Alec hated her, she would not conscript them into another Circle situation. That is what got them into this in the first place.

 

The mages departed and her brother went with them refusing to join her group back instead. She groaned into Solas’ shoulder as another wave of nausea hit her along with another round of shaking. He looked down at her in concern but she waved him off as she waved it off and bowed.

 

“Your Majesty.”

 

“Inquisition.” He paused as he got a good look at her face. “Wait, you look familiar. We’ve met haven’t we? You’re not one of the women Eamon has been trying to push on me are you?”

 

She laughed a full belly laugh that she had not experienced in a long time. “Maker, no!”

 

He grinned. “A shame, I wouldn’t have minded.”

 

She blushed but was flattered all the same. Alistair clearly realizing he had said that out loud returned her reddened face. “I…that is I meant— Maker.”

 

He stuttered just as bad as Cullen. It was endearing but she much preferred it on her Commander. Alistair coughed trying to rid the embarrassment. “Right, well. Are you going to tell me how I know you?”

 

“Kinloch Hold during the Blight. You were with the Hero.”

 

He grimaced at the memory. “Unpleasant that. You were the stubborn woman who refused and joined the fight. Trevelyan, yes?”

 

She nodded before she realized something. “Wait, where is Solona? Weren’t you two, you know.” She waggled her eyebrows.

 

He sighed heavily. “If I had it my way she would be right here by my side as my queen. Unfortunately a mage queen would have sent the country into an uproar.”

 

She felt his pain. She understood what it meant to know whom you loved but was not able to be with them. Sure, she could be with Cullen if he reciprocated but it would only be a matter of time before she hurt him again or he found out what she had kept from him. It was better this way.

 

He shook his head. “I should go. Good luck, Trevelyan. If ever you need my support, you have it.”

 

“Thank you, Your Majesty.” She bowed again barely keeping herself upright as the ground felt off kilter. “You may come to regret that offer later on.”

 

He just chuckled as the Ferelden contingent exited and she all but cried out as a wave of pain crashed into her. If not for Solas she would have tumbled head first into the marble floor.

 

“We’re making for Haven. Now.” He commanded as he lifted her into his arms and marched them out of the palace.

 

She was again marveled at his strength. How the elven mage was able to lift her in full armor she would never know. He helped her onto a horse and joined her, riding behind her.

 

“I can ride you know.” She argued weakly.

 

“I’m sure you can.” He murmured suggestively in her ear as they waited for the others to saddle up.

 

She whipped around. “Did you just make a sex joke?” She grinned widely despite how she felt.

 

“I would never.” He feigned ignorance as a small smirk slipped onto his face.

 

She turned back around and laid her head back on his shoulder as they took off. “I’ve corrupted you, ma falon.”

 

“Who says I’m corruptible? Maybe I’ve always been like this.” He stated.

 

She snorted lightly. “Doubtful.”

 

He harrumphed and they settled into a peaceful silence as they rode.

 

* * *

 

The ride to Haven had been brutal. Solas pushed them at a relentless pace determined to get them back as soon as possible. Her body was tingling. Pinpricks racked her body and it was most unpleasant. Just another thing to add to what was happening. Solas lowered her off the horse and a messenger immediately joined them.

 

“Your presence is requested in the Chantry, Herald.”

 

“Tell them I’ll be along in a moment. And fetch my brother. I want him present as well.”

 

He nodded and raced off. She turned to see Solas giving her a disapproving glare. “You need to be in bed.”

 

“And I will be. As soon as I brief them on what happened. You can baby me all you’d like after that, alright?”

 

His scowl deepened. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you when you collapse in front of the entire Chantry.”

 

She rolled her eyes and walked as quickly as she could without falling. She was determined to get this over with as quickly as possible. Despite her protests against it she knew Solas was right. She needed to be resting and this was going to be anything but that.

 

* * *

 

She entered the Chantry and immediately wished she hadn’t. Cullen and Alec were in the middle of an argument. She didn’t know what it was over but she could only guess her sibling had realized quickly there was another former Templar here.

 

Alec turned as she approached and glowered at her. “Another one? How am I not surprised? You just love your fucking Templars don’t you?”

 

“Don’t speak to your sister that way. She’s done more for you and the mages than she has her Order.” Cullen intervened.

 

She wished he hadn’t. His protectiveness of her was sweet but it would only make matters worse. She was rewarded with a sneer. “Found yourself a mabari did you? Does he enjoy fucking my sister?”

 

Cullen only growled which did nothing but make Alec’s question more accurate.

 

“Alec, shut up. Leave Commander Cullen alone.” She forced through gritted teeth as she felt another strong wave of nausea rise up her stomach to her throat.

 

He didn’t listen. Instead he continued to antagonize her. “Where’s Reed then? Why isn’t he here?”

 

Fear gripped her all at once. It was only a matter of time before he asked. She knew once he found out he would never forgive her. If he held her in disdain now he would surely hate her. She couldn’t lose him completely. He was all she had left.

 

He stared at her in expectation with his arms crossed. She felt in a daze. Voices were echoing all around her and she looked up to see Cullen in front of her, eyes laced with worry. His mouth was moving but she couldn’t hear him.

 

Why couldn’t she hear him? Why was he so worried? She didn’t understand what was going on. Why couldn’t she focus? Why was the room spinning? She was okay not mere seconds ago. What if this what it? Oh. Maker this _was_ it. Cullen and Alec were going to see her die. She was dying. Maker, she was dying. It was the inevitable she had been fighting since the Conclave. She hadn’t been able to close the Breach; she couldn’t go yet. They would all die.

 

 **Cullen.** She tried to reach for Cullen to comfort him but her limbs did not obey. She opened her mouth to speak but all that came out was a garbled mess. Cullen’s worry turned into sheer terror when she lost all control and collapsed. He caught her just before she hit the ground. He lowered her and all she saw was him mouthing her name with pure fear etched into his features before darkness claimed her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I researched seizures also asked my uncle who has epilepsy what it was like to go through that. Fear or panic was a main thing I found. Numbness or tingling is also something experienced at the beginning along with nausea, headache and lightheadedness. I tried to write it as true as I could imagine based on what my uncle experiences. If it comes out as a mess I'll try to fix it.
> 
> Next chapter is already partially written and will feature more of what happens at the end of this one. It may be up as soon as tomorrow :)
> 
> Feedback would be greatly appreciated!


	19. His Anchor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we pick up where we left off and something we've been waiting for happens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your continued support! It's amazing! :D

Cullen had never experienced so many emotions within a small amount of time. Anger, relief, fear, anger again and then absolute terror. Shae had collapsed in front of him. Had he not been ready she would have hit the floor harder than a sack of potatoes. But that was not the most terrifying part.

 

The most terrifying part was when she started convulsing in his arms. Had he not known better than to release her and put her on her side matters could have been much worse. As it was it looked bleak.

 

He called for Solas and the others rushed to find him. He had refused to leave her side. He couldn’t even if his body willed it so. She was all he had and he was all she had seeing that Alec was behaving as he was. He would happily be her family, be her support system, be anything she needed really.

 

Right now she needed a guardian and that was exactly what he would be. Solas entered at a dash and dropped to the ground beside her as the convulsions slowed to a stop. He looked up from Shae for a moment to address him.

 

“You did well in putting her on her side Commander. She would have choked otherwise.” He commended. “We should move her to her cabin before the next round starts.”

 

Cullen started at that. “Next round? There’s going to be more?”

 

Solas frowned as he looked back down at her still form. “Yes.”

 

He was frustrated at his short answer. How did he know that? Why did he look at her with so much sadness? It sent his fear into overdrive. “You know what’s happening don’t you.”

 

The elven apostate just looked up with a blank expression. “We shouldn’t do this here, Commander.” And then under his breath. “I can’t believe she still hasn’t told you.”

 

Anger coursed through him. Not only at Solas but also at Shae. She had confided in a complete stranger but not her best friend. How bad could it possibly be that she was so afraid to tell him? He pushed that to the side for now. He could question it later in the privacy they needed.

 

Solas made to lift her but he stopped him. “Please. Let me.” He pleaded when he saw hesitance in Solas’ eyes. In the end he relented and Cullen brought her into his arms. He could see she was conscious again but not fully aware what was going on.

 

He brought his lips to her ear. “You’re safe, I have you.”

 

She felt her relax at his voice and curled into his fur cloak as they departed. The bitter cold winds whipped around them and he did his best to protect her from the brunt of it. They entered the safety of her cabin and he laid her on her bed and pulled up a chair. Solas began moving about the room drawing the windows closed and bringing a fire to the hearth.

 

Cullen took Shae’s hand in his and she brought her eyes to his. Her violet hues were filled with confusion. She opened her mouth but nothing came out but a jumble of words. She huffed in frustration and he just gave her a lopsided grin.

 

“Now who’s the one who can find the words to say?” He teased, trying to make her to make her feel better.

 

She made a noise similar to a snort so he took it as a good sign. He turned to see Solas watching them closely. He sighed. “Are you going to tell me what brought this on?”

 

The apostate approached the bedside and took the chair on the opposite side. Shae looked at her healer with fear. Solas’ face softened and brought his hand to her cheek. Something flared inside of him. He wanted to hit the man for touching her so casually while it had taken him ages to be able to do so. Cullen had never been a jealous man, but with her he found he could not help himself.

 

His free hand tightened causing his leather glove to squeak in protest. Solas looked up. His expression must have said enough because he dropped his hand immediately. He returned his attention to Shae. “He deserves to know da’len. Especially since it appears our Commander has no intention in leaving.”

 

Her eyes found his again looking for confirmation in what she had just been told. He just nodded in agreement and brought her hands to his lips in a chaste kiss. She faced Solas again and sighed.

 

Taking that as a sign of resignation, Solas launched into the explanation. “Shaelan has been off lyrium since the Conclave.”

 

His hand tightened around hers and his shocked stare found her face. “Wh-How…” He growled as he fumbled over his words.

 

“I believe the mark is speeding up the process.” Solas continued, sensing what he was trying to ask. “The withdrawal symptoms she has experienced have been much more potent than what would normally be expected. This is the last hurdle. The lyrium is leaving her system. She’ll either make it or…”

 

Or she’ll die. He knew that. He just couldn’t believe she had kept this from him. He of all people would have understood. He would have understood her want to quit the addicting substance that been forced upon them when they entered the Order.

 

He got up from his chair and started to pace. He was trying not to shout at her. He was trying to take out his frustrations on the act alone but it was not helping. If anything it was making it worse.

 

He ruffled his hands through hair causing loose curls to free themselves from his coiffed hairstyle. He spun to face her. “Why? Why did you not tell me?”

 

Solas started. “Commander—”

 

Cullen cut him off. “How could you do this?! You are too important!”

 

Her face contorted in something like pain and hurt. “I’m not talking about the damn mark, Shae. Don’t look at me that way.” He took a deep breath and turned away and made for the door. “I meant to me.” He whispered to where only he could hear.

 

Her voice made him halt in his tracks. “Cul-Cul—”

 

He whirled in time to see her begin to start convulsing again. Solas flipped her to her side and let her writhe on the bed.

 

Cullen rushed to her side feeling mixtures of helplessness and guilt. This one was much more intense than the last. She was jerking uncontrollably and then her heart stopped.

 

“Do something!” He screamed.

 

Solas pushed him out of the way. Electricity sparked from his hands as he shocked her over and over until she gasped air into her lungs. He cried out in relief.

 

“Is there nothing more you can do for her?”

 

“No. This is her fight.” Solas responded. “Settle in. It’s going to be a long night, Commander.”

 

He fell to his knees and brought his face to his hands and did the only thing he knew to do. He prayed.

 

* * *

 

It had been the longest night of his life. The seizures had only worsened and grown more intense. Luckily Shae had been unconscious through the whole ordeal. That was a blessing in itself. He did not think he could bear to see her pain and confusion or her fear.

 

He could barely watch as her body twitched violently. He felt hopeless and helpless as he watched his closest friend battle for her life. She had stopped breathing multiple times throughout the process. Only quick thinking on the mage’s part revived her, using his electrical shocks to restart her heart.

 

The thought terrified him. She had died. Her body had failed her and he feared what the damage would be to her mind after she made it through this. **If she made it through this.** No, he refused to think that way. If anyone could make it through this it was her. He thought he was her rock, her anchor but after this he was wondering if the opposite was true.

 

He felt lost. Completely and totally untethered to the world around him. She was all that was keeping him grounded and here. He knew now that life without her would be unbearable; the stubborn ass had gotten to him despite his better judgment. He vowed to make up with her when she woke. He thought he knew now why she had tried so hard to push him away. It was for this very reason.

 

She had not wanted him to witness this. Hadn’t wanted him to feel pain if the worst happened. She should have known better. Regardless of her attempts he was just as stubborn as her. He had tried to be angry with her. His arguments had been an attempt to get any emotion out of her and boy had he succeeded. If that was what it took he was willing to do it. He couldn’t stand the façade she had built to keep him away.

 

He dipped a cloth in the washbasin to wipe the sweat from her face and arms. They had long rid her of her armor as it was causing more harm than protection. She looked so small without it. Her skin was pale, much paler than he was used to. She looked like death warmed over. **Well technically she was.** That would be much funnier if it weren’t so serious.

 

Shae started stirring under his touch and he removed the cloth. He had sent Solas for some rest after he declared her stable enough. The man was dead on his feat. The amount of mana he had to expend to keep bringing her back had taken its toll. He had stayed awake the entire night as he fretted and worried over her. He had never seen the man show any form of emotion but when he was with Shae he was a completely different person. It seemed she was his only friend outside of the Fade. She had been the only one to break through his well-placed shield. The only one who had held him here. He knew the feeling.

 

She stirred again. “Shae?”

 

She didn’t respond but slowly began to open her eyes, blinking several times. Then she started smacking her lips. He poured her a glass of water. He placed a hand between her shoulder blades and lifted her to a sitting position and tipped the liquid to her mouth.

 

A little dribbled down her chin but otherwise she drank the entire glass. She was watching him closely as she didn’t trust his presence. He couldn’t understand that but ignored it.

 

“Cul—” she tried to talk but groaned at the attempt.

 

He reached out to touch her cheek but she flinched away. It was like a smack in the face. What had he done to warrant such distrust? He would never hurt her. He couldn’t understand why she was behaving this way.

 

“It’s not you.” The voice came from the door. He turned from his seat to see Dorian standing in the doorway. He hadn’t even heard the man enter and cursed himself for being so distracted.

 

“What do you mean it’s not me?” He asked.

 

The Tevene walked into the room and took a seat at the edge of the bed. “She probably thinks she’s still in a hallucination or dream. That you aren’t real. It’s a side effect of the seizures.”

 

He turned back to Shae to see her watching him as if he was going to grow a second head at any second. “And how do I prove to her she isn’t?”

 

Dorian shrugged. “What would she never expect you to do in real life?”

 

He could think of many things she would not expect. All of them involved kissing her in one form or another. He was blushing he knew it. Imagining her pink lips pressed to his. Her moaning as he deepened the kiss. The sound of his name as he— “Ah ha. I knew it!”

 

He turned to see Dorian grinning like an idiot. “What are talking about?”

 

“You two are together aren’t you? I knew your little reunion in the future was more than it appeared.”

 

“We are not together.” He growled. “We are just friends. And I have no idea what you are talking about. What reunion?”

 

He just shook his head. “That’s for her to tell. Now go on. You know you want to.”

 

Cullen glared at him. “Wouldn’t doing what she never expected do the exact opposite of what we are trying to do?”

 

“On the contrary. After the shock passes and she doesn’t wake up she’ll realize this is all very real.”

 

“And then punch me.” He grumbled.

 

“Only one to find out.”

 

“Do you have to watch?”

 

“Oh yes. For scientific reasons of course. I want to see if this actually works.” He smirked.

 

He sighed but turned back to Shae. He took a deep breath before he lowered his lips slightly above hers. He was hesitant to proceed. This could change everything. He didn’t want to ruin what they had, but he wanted her. Maker, did he want her.

 

“Screw it.”

 

He pressed his lips to hers. He would be lying if he said it wasn’t what he had desired for years. Maybe not in this way but he would not object. She stiffened at the beginning but soon she was pliant to his wishes. She laced her hand in his hair and pulled him in deeper. He groaned when she allowed his tongue access to hers. He brought his hand back to the back of her neck and pulled her up with him so he could have better access. She moved with him willingly, whimpering softly as he pulled at the bottom of her lip. The punch he was expecting never came instead she met his advances with an enthusiasm he’d never expected.

 

He was the one who finally broke the kiss. Pulling back only to lay his forehead to hers. “Shae.” He murmured reverently.

 

He was afraid to open his eyes. Afraid he would open them and see she was disgusted with him for doing what he had just done. He was not expecting a grin or to see her looking at him happily. “I’m sorry for that.”

 

“Don’t be.” She croaked. He was shocked. She wasn’t angry at all. She was…happy? “Maybe I should almost die more often.”

 

He groaned at her horrible joke. “Please don’t. And technically you did die. Several times in fact. Had Solas not been here…”

 

He shuddered at the thought. “Cullen.”

 

“Is this why you tried to make me angry and push me away?”

 

She looked away guiltily. “Yes. I didn’t want you to hurt if I died. I thought it’d make it easier—”

 

He grabbed her face and brought his lips to her forehead. “It would not have been easier you foolish woman. Losing you would be the single worst thing I could imagine.”

 

A cough made them both start. They turned to see a very uncomfortable Dorian. “You two are disgusting and I’m leaving now. Proceed.” He waved as he exited the cabin but not before muttering, “Just friends, my ass.”

 

They were both blushing as they faced each other again. He coughed. “Yes, well. You should get some rest.”

 

He stood to flee when he felt her catch his arm. “We’ll talk about this later?”

 

He nodded and she grinned. She closed her eyes and he took that as a dismissal. Before he opened the door he heard he voice again. “And Cullen?”

 

He turned to see her watching him. “You really are a good kisser.”

 

She winked. He was so flustered he couldn’t find words to respond and stood there staring at her like an idiot. She snorted. “Oh just run. I know you want to.”

 

And he did. He got out of there as quickly as possible and made for the safety of his tent. Only then did he allow himself to process what had transpired. He could still feel her lips on his. He brought his hand to them as he sat down at his desk and began looking over requisitions, grinning like a fool.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It happened! The kiss happened! Sure it was to snap her out of it but it happened all the same. Go Dorian! These two have a lot of things to talk over but that'll have to wait. The Breach and In Your Heart Shall Burn are next! 
> 
> I realize I may be overdoing Cullen a bit but I could definitely see him behaving this way. It's not like he just met her. If he had then yeah sure it would be overkill but here I feel it's appropriate. *Shrugs* I'm claiming artistic liberties :)
> 
> Thanks for sticking with me guys! This fic is moving much much slower than I originally intended so thank you guys for sticking with me. Looks like this will be a long one :)


	20. Still Got It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Shae recovers and tests her abilities

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I said the Breach was next but a transition chapter cropped up instead. It will be next no doubt. 
> 
> Thank you guys so much for all the positive feedback on last chapter! It seriously made my day every time I read them and made me that much more confident in writing and continuing this story. You guys are seriously the best :D

They had kept her in bed for a week with nothing for entertainment but books. Any longer and she was likely to go insane. She was perfectly fine. So her heart had stopped a few times. **Seven times, Shae.** She could hear Cullen’s voice when she had asked. Every time it had taken more and more electric shocks to bring her back. She would like to thank Solas, if she had seen him since.

 

She had a feeling that he was avoiding her but she could not think of a reason why. Which was why she had snuck out of bed and was headed for his cabin. She’d had no more symptoms after she had awoken; only the strong need to sleep all the time. Which according to Dorian was normal after the abuse her body had been through. She just needed to give herself time to recuperate.

 

Time was not something they had. The Breach needed to be closed and the mages were ready according to Leliana’s reports the spymaster had snuck into her cabin. Cullen had been adamant about no work while she recovered but when did she ever do what she was told?

 

Things between them were oddly comfortable considering what had transpired. She had been shocked when she had snapped out of what she thought was a hallucination and found him still kissing her. At first she thought he had done it just to get through to her. Now looking back she wasn’t so sure.

 

He had seemed so reluctant at first but after she reacted, he gave in. When his tongue had begged entrance against her lips she had all too willingly given in. He was like a man who been dying of thirst and had finally been given a drink of water. It was like he could not get enough. Her face warmed when she remembered the way he moaned against her mouth. Either he was an excellent actor or he wanted her more than she had ever thought.

 

They still had not discussed what the kiss meant. They always skirted around the topic, which for now she would allow. There were more important things to deal with. The torn Veil being the top priority on her list. After though, she would corner him if she had to. They couldn’t avoid the subject forever as much as Cullen seemed to want to.

 

She still knew that being with him would be a bad idea. There was still so much she hadn’t told him. Things he deserved to know. Things that would most definitely change his mind. She just didn’t know if she _could_ tell him if it meant losing him. Not after all this.

 

She passed Dorian on her brisk march to Solas’ door and was surprised to find him in company. Alec had visited her once since she had survived the lyrium leaving her system. He had stayed long enough to tell her she was glad she hadn’t die and then promptly left. It hurt seeing him and not being able to hug him like she so desperately wanted to from the moment she saw him.

 

He would not welcome it but at least most of the mistrust had left his eyes. Now he regarded her in what almost seemed like guilt but she could not be sure. He just nodded as she passed by and returned to his conversation with the newest member of the Inquisition. Dorian gave her a small smile over Alec’s shoulder before she found herself outside of Solas’ cabin.

 

He was not outside on the steps like he usually was this time of day. Taking a deep breath, she knocked. There was no answer. She knocked louder. Still nothing.

 

“Solas, if you don’t answer this door I will break it down!”

 

She heard an irritated sigh from inside and a shuffle as he padded across the floor.

 

“Yes?” He answered as he inched the door open.

 

She scowled. “That’s it? That’s all I get? No I’m so glad to see you well? No what in the hell are you doing out of bed?”

 

He remained passive. “I am glad to see you well and as for you being out of bed…” He paused and let a tiny smirk pass on his face before it disappeared, “you always did have trouble doing what you were told.”

 

“That’s just a really long winded way of saying I told you so isn’t it?”

 

“Perhaps.” He had not opened the door any further in her attempts to pull him out of whatever funk he was in.

 

“Fine. I just came by to say thank you for saving my life. More than once if Cullen hasn’t been exaggerating. Sorry for bothering you.” She turned and started heading towards the gate.

 

“Shaelan, wait!”

 

She spun to see him out of his cabin as he made to follow her. “Why have you been avoiding me?”

 

He stopped a couple of steps from her and frowned. “I was angry at you for so foolishly risking yourself after I told you not to. And then I run into the Chantry to find you writhing on the floor as the Commander is doing his best not to lose it.”

 

“Yes, yes, I know. It wasn’t the best idea. It was bound to happen eventually though. Listening to you might not have prevented it anyway, you know.”

 

“I know. It was foolish of me to behave as I have. Forgive me?” He looked away as if he didn’t expect her to.

 

She threw her arms around him. He flinched at the contact but soon relaxed and returned her embrace. She leaned back to look at him. “Felasil.” She said affectionately. “There is nothing to forgive.”

 

He grinned at her use of the elven word. “I suppose I deserved that.”

 

She nodded and extracted herself from his grip. “Now, I’m going to go find someone to spar with, pending Cullen doesn’t drag me back into bed once he finds me.”

 

He smirked.

 

“Not that way!" She exclaimed.

 

He just shook his head. “Good luck da’len.”

 

* * *

 

Cullen had spotted her as soon as she had entered the training yard. It wasn’t that she was trying to avoid him; she just hoped she could have notice until she was already in the ring. She should have known better.

 

He marched over to her and she put on her best and most charming smile. It was one that had often reduced him to blushing and stammering. This was not one of those times.

 

“What are you doing out bed?” He crossed his arms.

 

She rolled her eyes, quickly dropping her smile and took up a similar stance as him. “I’m perfectly fine. I’ve been in bed long enough. Stop being a mother hen.”

 

“I haven’t—”

 

She held up a hand to silence him. “You have so. It’s sweet, truly. But I need to get at least one sparring session in before the Breach.”

 

“You aren’t ready.” He growled.

 

She raised an eyebrow. “No?” She turned and saw Bull instructing a few soldiers. “Hey, Bull!”

 

The mercenary faced her and gave her a grin. “Good to see you on your feet, Boss!”

 

“Wanna see if I’ve still got it?”

 

His grin turned into a full-blown smile. “Hell yeah!”

 

She turned back to see Cullen scowling. “This is not a good idea.”

 

“Relax, Commander. I’m quite capable.”

 

He scoffed. “I know that.”

 

“Then hush and watch me take down the Qunari.” She smirked as she moved towards the ring.

 

* * *

 

By the time Bull and herself were ready they had gathered a huge crowd. Cullen was leaning against the fence obviously still pouting. If she was honest with herself she was not much more confident than him. She had no idea the damage the seizures had inflicted.

 

She had passed all the tests. Even all her mental capabilities were intact which according to Dorian was a miracle in itself. But she still had doubts. What if she could not fight like she used to? What if she could but then everything failed her in the middle of a fight? This was exactly why she was doing this. If only to put her doubts to rest and if Cullen’s were sated at the same time then it was another win.

She grabbed her shield and a blunted sword, testing its weight and balance. It would do. She turned and saw Bull had opted for a two handed great sword. It was no surprise that such a massive man would opt for a massive weapon. It would just make defending a bit more difficult than she had hoped.

  
  
"Ready, Boss?"

  
  
She inhaled deeply, focusing on nothing else but her opponent. She nodded. "Wanna make things more interesting?"

  
  
She cocked her head to the side. "How so?"

  
  
"A friendly wager of sorts." He grinned mischievously.

  
  
She acted like she was contemplating hard when in reality she liked the idea. "If you win?"

  
  
"If I win you have to ride the Bull." He waggled his eyebrows at her.

  
  
She heard a strangled growl from the crowd. She turned to see Cullen about to jump the fence and kill the mercenary; only Cassandra and Blackwall were keeping him restrained. She did everything not to laugh at the sight but failed miserably. She shook her head and turned back to her eager opponent.

  
  
"And if I win you have to be nice to the Vint for a month." She pointed over at Dorian who had decided to attend, dragging a disgruntled Alec with him.

  
  
Dorian let a hint of grin show before he schooled his face back to a grimace. Bull was wearing the same expression. "That’s just unnatural, Boss.”

 

She crossed her arms. “Think you’re going to lose?”

 

He huffed. “Absolutely not. You’re on.”

  
  
She knew she had no choice now. She had to win. She could not ride the Bull, refused to really. She was sure that he wouldn't actually make her should she lose but the rumors that followed her would be relentless. Besides, there was only one person she wanted to ride if he didn’t give himself a coronary first.

 

She blew him a kiss causing him to still and blush furiously. Bull took advantage of her distraction and charged. She barely caught attack with her shield. Her arms trembled against the force behind it. She strained and threw it off her causing him to stagger slightly.

 

She pressed her advantage landing a blow across his waist. He grunted at the impact and yelled in frustration. He charged again slashing over and over again. It took all her agility to dodge the blows. If one of those landed she would have a broken bone for sure.

 

He swung again and she dove and rolled to the right. It was the wrong direction. His sword came done and connected with her shield arm causing her to cry out, as she felt something snap. She heard Cullen yell her name but ignored it. She let anger cloud over the pain, forcing it to the back of her mind.

 

She threw done her shield considering her arm was now useless. She would have to end this quickly now that she was so poorly guarded. Sensing the end, Bull swung towards her middle hoping to take her off guard. She had expected him to go in for the finish.

 

She dodged easily and rolled to the side putting his back in front of her. She only had brief second before he would be on her but that was plenty of time. She did not know if this would work but was determined to test it. She dug down deep within herself and tugged at the ability. It resisted at first, it had always been so much easier with lyrium.

 

Then she felt it comply. A blinding light shrouded her as let the attack build before she released with an ease she did not think possible. It had the desired effect and knocked Bull on his ass giving her time enough to straddle him and point her sword at his throat.

 

He tries to throw her off but she manages to tighten her thigh muscles around his torso making escape nearly impossible. She presses the blunted weapon further until she knows it’s at his jugular. “Give?”

 

He thrashes about more only deepening her hold on him. He lets out a frustrated yell before mumbling, “I yield.”

 

The crowd whooped and cheered at her victory. She grinned proudly and bowed to her fans only to pause when she noticed Cullen watching her curiously. She frowned slightly at his reaction. She expected him to be happy she had not lost any of her skill. Instead he was caught in between worry and some other emotion she could not quite pin down. And then the wave of pain hit her.

 

She’d forgotten all about her arm in the heat of the fight. It was an easy enough thing to do. Push the pain back and use the adrenaline and anger to fuel her body until she was safe. It was something she had taught herself early on. She had to be so much tougher than everyone else because she dared to be a woman. And that somehow made her weaker in everyone’s eyes. Well except the ones looking her over.

 

He sighed in defeat and entered the ring. “Let me see.”

 

He took her arm and began running his hands over to check for breaks. She winced when his ministrations reached her wrist. “Fractured I think but not fully broken. Solas should be able to heal it properly.”

 

“Worried I would be shown up, Commander?” She teased as she poked his breastplate.

 

He rolled his eyes. “As if he ever had a chance.” He murmured quietly. Her breath hitched at the husk in his voice. She realized he still hadn’t let go of her hand and felt him inching closer.

 

A cough broke up the moment and she turned to see Iron Bull staring at them knowingly. She decided to change the subject before he said something and left Cullen and herself feeling awkward. That was the last thing she wanted when it felt like they were finally making progress. “The bet starts now. You must be nice to Dorian for a full month. No exceptions.”

 

Dorian laughed and she wheeled on him. “And you. You will not try and provoke him just because you know he is not allowed to retaliate.”

 

The mage looked affronted. “My lady, I would never.”

 

“You would and I am not a lady.” She turned back to her laughing audience. “Now back to work! Tomorrow we close the Breach!”

 

The crowd cheered and departed leaving just Cullen and herself in the ring. He was staring at her but she could not read the expression. “You used your abilities without lyrium.”

 

There it was. That’s what was bothering him. Of course it would. We had been told since our entry into the Order that lyrium allowed our abilities. That without it they wouldn’t work and I just proved them liars. “I want to feel surprised they lied to us but honestly nothing surprises me any more.”

 

He just fell silent and stared at her. She took his hand and gave him a gentle squeeze. “I’m going to get this healed. Will you tell Leliana, Josephine and Cassandra I want a war meeting in an hour?”

 

He nodded before pulling her into his arms. He let out a sigh of relief against her hair as she held him back. “I just…you only just recovered. Can it not wait a few more days?”

 

“No. I’ve put it off long enough.” Sensing his tension she asked, “What’s wrong?”

 

He squeezed her tighter. “You could die. All that magic being pushed in to could kill you.”

 

“It would be worth it to see you and everyone else safe.”

 

“Not to me.” He whispered into her ear.

 

She shivered at the sensation and did everything she could to fight back the tears that were threatening to fall. “Cullen…” She paused, not knowing what to say. Then she went to her automatic response. Teasing. “Doubting me already?”

 

“Never.” He said as adamantly as she’d ever heard him. And in that moment, she believed. They would make it through this and then they would talk. That was her mantra as he gently kissed her forehead and released her. She left him standing there watching her walk away to find a soon to be smug elf to heal her damned wrist.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So like I said I planned on the Breach but this chapter was already so long. Damn Bull and sparring. I also wanted to show Shae still has all her abilities (yes that was a holy smite by the way). Plus it just felt wrong going from hey she almost died to oh, she's closing the big hole in the sky.
> 
> Thank you guys for your continued support! :)
> 
>  
> 
> Elven translations:
> 
> Felasil- fool, idiot, lit. slow mind 
> 
> courtesy of Project Elvhen


	21. In Your Heart Shall Burn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we close the Breach

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I finished this quicker than I thought I would. Writing has proved a massive distraction from the real world. Thank you all so much for your continued support and you kind words. They have helped through this tough time.
> 
> Also: Warning for brief mention of adolescents being raped. If that's a trigger for you just skip the conversation Shae has with Alec towards the beginning of this chapter.

She awoke well before first light. She had slept fitfully with anticipation and if she let herself admit it, fear. She had no idea how the magic being poured into her would effect her. Either way this would all be over one way or another in a few hours.

 

She got dressed hastily, not wanting to think more on the subject. She was careful to avoid her now splinted wrist. Solas had healed what he could but the rest would need to heal naturally.

 

Forgoing her armor, she wrapped her violet cloak around her and departed. She wandered aimlessly letting the chill clear her head of all thoughts. It was a refreshing change from what seemed like her endless list of tasks and responsibilities.

 

She had hardly had break since she had fallen out of the rift. She had taken and accomplished everything they had asked of her and more. She was looking forward to the end of this. Maybe then she would gain the peace she so desperately craved.

 

Her reverie was broken by the approach of a familiar figure trudging towards the lake. Alec looked as lost as she had ever seen him. She could not blame him. She had pulled him in to this situation and had left him alone. Not like he had given her much opportunity to come close but that was beside the point. She should have tried harder from the beginning.

 

**No time like the present.**

 

She approached loudly so not to take him unawares. He was already wary of her and sneaking up on him in the middle of the night would not make matters any better. He stiffened upon her approach, his body immediately set on edge.

 

“Alec, are you alright?” she tried asking. She didn’t think he’d answer but it was a good a start as any.

 

“Bad dreams. Shouldn’t you be resting? Don’t you save the world later today?” He replied bitterly.

 

She sighed. “Do you want to talk about it?”

 

His fists clenched and unclenched. He was fighting something but what it was she could not be certain. Then a thought hit her. “When we found you, it was only you. What happened to the others that were with you when we escaped?”

 

His expression darkened as he continued to look over the lake. “What do think happened? A group of apostates attract attention and not the good kind.”

 

She could see where this was going. “Templars.”

 

“Yes, Templars.” He spat. “They found us just outside of Kirkwall. It was surprising we made it that far. We couldn’t have picked a worse place to be caught.”

 

She shuddered at the thought. Kirkwall had been the birthplace of the mage rebellion. Under normal circumstances it had been known for being one of the harshest Circles. She could only imagine what her brother and the others had endured being captured by those kinds of Templar. “How did you manage to get away?”

 

His jaw clenched. “You mean after I watched those innocent teenagers raped over and over before the bastards tired of them? After I watched them put them to the sword after they had had their fill?”

 

Disgust filled her and she could feel bile rising up her throat. Still he continued. “They had beaten me so badly they thought I would not survive. They left me out there to die. Had someone not found me I would have. I sometimes wished they had just left me.”

 

She reached out for him but he shrugged away her touch. She ached to hold him like when they were little. Even though he was older it was always her he had run to for comfort. It killed her that she was causing him more pain. “Alec…”

 

“Don't." He bit out. He shouldered past her and marched quickly towards Haven. She made to follow but thought better of it. He needed space. Space she was willing to give until he was ready. She just wished it didn’t ache so badly.

 

Her feet moved on there on accord. Her mind wandered and imagined thoughts of what happened flashed though her mind. She felt sick to her stomach. Those innocent children all being violated and tortured beyond imagination. All they had known before there deaths was excruciating pain.

 

She opened the flap of a tent and let out a strangled sob. Her chest ached as she pictured all their faces the day she left them. They were scared of course but happy as well to be free of that nightmare. She had saved them only to send them into a more gruesome death than they had avoided.

 

She gripped the edges of a desk and tried to fight back the emotions that were building up inside of her. Guilt, anger, frustration, and disgust gripped her like a vice. Another sob broke out of her. Only then did she hear padded feet upon the ground.

 

“Shaelan.” His strong arms wrapped tightly around her and she rested her head in the crook of his shoulder.

 

One hand trailed through her hair while the other held her tightly against his bare chest. “What’s wrong?” He murmured against her hair.

 

She just shook her head violently. To voice what had happened out loud seemed like too much. She would tell him later of course. She always did, but for right now she could not.

 

Understanding as much he moved her towards the bed. He undid the tied to her cloak and laid it across the back of a chair. He lowered her gently until she was lying down. She automatically curled in on herself while he settled himself beside her.

 

He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer until her back was flush against his stomach. Her head rested comfortably underneath his chin. He threw his furs over them and began to talk. It was nonsense at first. Her mind was not able to process what was being said. After a few moments her head cleared and she realized what he was doing.

 

He was reciting a familiar verse:

“Maker, though the darkness comes upon me,  
I shall embrace the light. I shall weather the storm.  
I shall endure.  
What you have created, no one can tear asunder.”

 

It was his voice not the canticles that finally calmed her. His warm, lilting voice lulling her into a peace she could not have imagined minutes before. He continued until she the last thing she remembered was the brush of his lips against her head as she dozed into a dreamless sleep for the first time in months.

 

* * *

 

She was woken up hours later by a loud clunk. She sat up quickly as her eyes darted around the room. Cullen was looking at her apologetically as he lay down the rest of the armor on the ground beside her.

 

“I meant to let you have a couple more minutes but it’s almost time. I brought your armor.” He explained.

 

She gave him a small smile. “So I heard.”

 

He rubbed his neck in embarrassment as she began to get to put on her armor. It was as easy as breathing at this point and only took a couple of minutes before she was fully plated. She was buckling her sword belt when she heard his armored feet approaching. “Allow me?”

 

She acquiesced and he pulled the belt snug around her hips. His hands lingered and he eyes trailed up his body until they finally met his. His eyebrows were knitted which he immediately tried to will away once he realized she had caught him.

 

“You’re worried.” It wasn’t a question but a fact. He was not hard for her to read.

 

“Of course I am. We don’t know what will happen.” He hesitated. “If a simple rift can disable your arm what will the Breach do?”

 

That was a fair point. It was something she had thought of herself. It would not do to linger on that now though. Not when she was about to tackle the biggest opponent of her life to date. “Whatever happens happens. I can’t worry about that now.”

 

He sighed. “You’re right.”

 

“Of course I am. I always am.”

 

He snorted and pulled her closer. He lowered his lips towards hers slowly. Her breath hitched as he paused, his breath brushed against her. “Is that so?”

 

She gulped as she watched his lip curl into smug smirk, which caused his scar to tug upwards. He moved in, taking her heavy breathing as a good sign.

 

“Commander!”

 

They both groaned loudly at the interruption. His eyebrow shot up at her reaction before he turned to face the messenger. “Yes?”

 

“The others are waiting. They only wait for yourself and the Herald, sir.”

 

“Very well, we’re on our way.”

 

He turned to her and gave her a small, sad smile. He pressed a quick kiss to her forehead before stepping away. “Ready?”

 

She nodded, greatly disappointed at the scout disrupting them. She would take the forehead kiss…for now. She fully planned on picking up where they had left off as soon as all this was over.

 

* * *

 

She had forgotten how catastrophic the explosion was. Seeing the damage up close again was a reminder of how lucky she had been. Why she of all the people present had been spared, she could not imagine. Her memories from that time were all but gone. Whatever had occurred before and immediately after were just blank slots in her mind.

 

When she reached the bottom floor where they had battled the Pride Demon so many months before. They had all come so far since that first couple of rifts.

 

She fidgeted anxiously as the mages lined the walls surrounding her. Cassandra was shouting orders but what she was saying was lost on her as she stared up at the swirling green above her. Doubt filled her head once more. How was she supposed to close **that?** It was massive. Even with the mages added support she was afraid it might not be enough.

 

“Are you ready?”

 

She turned to see Solas had approached and was watching her closely. “Of course. It’s only a massive tear in the Veil. No problem.”

 

“You can do this, Herald. You have a willpower and spirit that I have not seen in many years.” Her confidence grew slightly at his praise. Solas was never one for empty compliments.

 

“Thank you, _hahren._ Get them ready. Let’s do this.”

 

He nodded and walked towards the mages. She could feel Cullen’s eyes follow her as she walked slowly towards the Breach. “Mages! Focus past the Herald. Let her will draw from you!”

 

Her mark was sparking madly the closer she got. For once she let it lose control. She felt the magic stirring around her. It was overwhelming. It took everything within her not to fight it as she had been taught. Took everything not to draw into her Templar abilities to make it all stop.

 

She had to remind herself that this was to help not to harm. The air was heavy and she had to wade the last couple of steps before she reached her destination. She threw her hand into the air and felt the mark connect with the enormous hole above her.

 

Pain shot through her immediately. If she was screaming she could not hear it. All her senses were dulled. All she could feel was the pain and the agonizing pull as the Breach fought her attempts.

 

She managed to turn her head and saw the terror on Cullen’s face. She faced back upward. That expression was enough to make her push away the pain momentarily. She couldn’t let him see her fail. She could not let him see her fall or give up.

 

She channeled all her will and renewed her efforts. The mark grew stronger and stronger. She allowed the magic to flow freely through her and into the mark. With one final tug she felt the Breach seal.

 

The sky exploded at the force of its closure, sending a shockwave that knocked everyone in the area off of their feet.

 

She felt all of the air rush out of her lungs at the impact. Nothing though compared to intense pain that was wracking her body. It made closing a rift seem like a bee sting in comparison.

 

She heard a rush of heavy footsteps running in her direction. It could only be one person. He cradled her upper body in his arms as he dropped to his knees beside her.

 

“You’re alive!” He cried in relief. “Thank the Maker. I thought…I—”

 

He cut himself off and hugged her tightly to his chest. She started to cough violently and he pulled her back. His forehead crinkled as he took her in. She must have been a sight to see. She could only imagine the grimace she was fighting and failing to keep off her face. “Hurts.”

 

It was all she could manage to get out. He returned her expression and brought a hand to push her fallen hair from her face. “You’re in pain. Of course you are. And here I am clinging to you like an imbecile. I’m so sorry, Shae. I only wanted to—”

 

She laughed painfully at his rambling. “Cullen, shush.”

 

Solas and Cassandra approached them then. Their faces relieved when they saw he alive and talking. “We should get her home, Commander. She’ll need rest before what I’m sure will be endless celebrations tonight.”

 

Cullen looked back down at her. “Can you walk?”

 

“I’m fine. Help me up.”

 

He obeyed. She lasted all of about five seconds before her knees were buckling beneath her. In a swift motion she was swept up into her Commanders arms.

 

She curled into the warmth of his fur cloak. He drew a sharp breath when her lips found his neck. “My knight and protector. What would I do without you?”

 

Her eyes were drooping. Pain and exhaustion finally began to take over. “You’d be lost I’d imagine.”

 

She hummed in agreement. She brought another kiss to his neck causing his breathing to hitch again. She curled closer into him and felt him grip her just as tight. Feeling safe and secure in his arms she finally let herself succumb to sleep.

 

* * *

 

She woke later to the sounds of music and cheering. The sky had begun to darken which meant she had been out for hours. She rolled to a sitting much to her body’s protest.

 

She ached but it was nothing she wasn’t used to. The pain had receded. It felt more like she felt after a long day of sparring. The much more surprising development was that she still lived. She couldn’t quite believe it. She had not expected to live truth be told.

 

She wasn’t disappointed with the outcome. Especially when her cabin door opened and a tall figure entered its frame. The fading light of the sun outlined him in a halo of light causing his blonde hair to shine brilliantly. He was beautiful.

 

He leaned against the doorframe and smiled at her. She grinned widely back at him. The next thing she knew was throwing herself into his arms. He caught her and spun her as he laughed. “I did it!”

 

He sat her back down on her feet and resumed his previous position. His features still showed amusement from her unexpected reaction. “You did. I’m so proud of you.”

 

She beamed not able to contain her happiness. She opened her mouth but another figure barged into her cabin. “Curly, are you going to hold her hostage all evening? The party is starting!”

 

She laughed at Cullen’s agitated face. Varric ignored him however and was smiling at her. “Get dressed, Violet. I’ve got a drink with your name on it.”

 

“Just one?” She mocked a pout.

 

Varric chuckled as he left, leaving her alone again with a flustered Cullen. “I should get out there so you can, um change.”

 

He backed out of her cabin and gave her an embarrassed grin before closing the door. She dressed quickly, forgoing her heavy armor for the leather outfit she’d teased her Commander in the day she’d woken up her first real day in Haven.

 

She threw her cloak around her shoulders and exited her cabin to a smattering of drunken applause. She bowed and the whoops and hollers grew louder. True to his word Varric was on her in a matter of seconds and thrust a beer into her hand.

 

“Cheers, Violet.” She clicked their mugs and tossed hers back in a couple of gulps.

 

Varric whistled lowly. “That was damn impressive. Someone get the Herald another beer!” He hollered over his shoulder.

 

Blackwall strolled up holding two pints in his hands. “Already ahead of you.” He bowed slightly as he handed her beer to her awaiting hand.

 

The party was in full swing and the whole town was in attendance. Maryden the bard was playing bawdy tavern songs and upbeat tunes as everyone danced and drank in celebration. It felt wonderful to see everyone in such good cheer. They had been frightened and down for so long. They deserved a night like this.

 

She was finishing off her second beer and starting a third when Blackwall bowed again. “May I have this dance, my lady?”

 

He cocked his eyebrow at her and she laughed. She threw back her remaining beer and took his offered hand. “Why I would be honored good ser.”

 

Varric hollered after them as they made their way to the other dancing couples. “Be careful, Hero! The Commander gets jealous over what’s his!”

 

She just rolled her eyes at his comment. Blackwall didn’t seem to be bothered by it either as he twirled her around.

 

* * *

 

Cullen was not one for drink. He never had been but tonight he was making an exception. He was well into his cups when he saw her. Her pale hair glowing in the firelight, they way every curve and muscle was on display through her tight outfit. It was like she was trying to drive him mad.

 

His thoughts were confirmed when he saw her being pulled onto the dance floor. That damn Warden had his hands on her as he moved her along to the music. He twirled her to where her back was pressed against his torso and it took all his self control not to go over there and attack the man as his hands moved down her body and rested low her hips.

 

She must know what she was doing to him. He was half hard just looking at her. The way her hips were swaying against the Warden mad him see green with envy. What he wouldn’t give to be in the mans place. Then her eyes found him. He clutched his drink tighter as she gave him a smoldering look.

 

He tossed back the rest of his drink and stalked towards her. He knew what he must look like. Like predator who had found his prey. Blackwall’s expression told him as much when he stopped before them. “Do you mind if I cut in?” He asked him but his eyes never left Shae’s.

 

He must have agreed because the next thing he knew she pressed tightly to him in the same position she had just been in. He groaned at the feeling of her pressed into him. If he had been half hard before he was fully aroused now. Judging by the catch in her throat Shae had noticed as well.

 

“Something wrong?” He whispered against the shell of her ear.

 

She shuddered against him. Her hands snaked up around his neck pulling him closer to her. “Quite the opposite, Commander. Who knew your sword was so big.”

 

It was that type of comment that would usually leave him flustered and stammering. Her pressing her bottom closer and harder against him would be normally be enough to drive him to a fool. She knew her effect on him and expected the same results as before.

 

“Would you like to sheathe it, my lady?” He did not know when he had become so bold. He would blame the alcohol for his lowered inhibitions. Her breathing hitched again at his daring.

 

Before she could respond, a scout ran up out of breath. “Sir! Forces approaching!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we closed the Breach! About time. When I began this, I never expected it to take 21 chapters to do so. I can't believe you guys are still with me but I am beyond happy you are. 
> 
> I wrote this in multiple sittings and have not edited it. I apologize if it is completely terrible. I will go back and fix it if it is. These past few days have not been the best with the funeral and everything else going on. I hope they did not come through in my writing. So if it is bad let me know!
> 
> Thank you my loyal and fabulous readers. You all are the best! <3


	22. I See Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we battle for Haven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I pretty much listened to I See Fire by Ed Sheeran on a loop as I wrote this chapter. Yes, it's from The Hobbit:The Desolation of Smaug. *shrugs* It just fit perfect for the events in the game. If you haven't listened to it, go do it!  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=phJo1E94Yk8

She had been in such a blissful haze that the words hadn’t completely registered with her. It wasn’t until Cullen backed away and started shouting orders did it sink in. They were under attack. Her alcohol buzzed brain was slow to catch up as men and women ran all around her. Only Cullen’s voice broke her out of her haze.

 

“Shaelan! What are you doing?! Get your armor on and meet me at the gates!”

 

Needing no further prompting she ran to her cabin. Not even bothering striping off her leathers she hastily threw on her armor in a way that only a seasoned soldier could perform.

 

She was out the door in minutes, buckling her sword belt as she ran down the stairs to the gate. The rest of her crew had beaten her there and were pacing nervously. Whatever they had drunk before was now forgotten. The shock of an impending attack had sobered the party up quicker than any tonic.

 

“What banners are they flying?” Josephine asked.

 

“None.” Cullen answered brusquely.

 

That was not good. “Josephine, head back to the Chantry. Begin setting up shelter for the townspeople and an infirmary for the injured.”

 

“Of course, Herald.”

 

She could see the numerous torches lighting the mountainside. What she could not understand is how such a massive force had crept up on them without a word. Unless…unless their scouts had all been killed in the process. She pushed back that thought and focused on the present.

 

From what she could tell they were severely outnumbered. They would need to be clever if they were going to survive this. She could see Cullen’s mind turning as well. Their military minds were trying and failing at working out a way to make this winnable.

 

A pounding noise at the gate shook them from their strategizing. “Let us in!”

 

“Alec!” She reacted as soon as she heard his voice. She threw the gate open without caution.

 

Her brother was fighting off a Templar attacker. She threw herself in between them and tossed Alec back towards the gate. When her back turned she heard a gurgled choke. She spun to see a young boy sporting menacing daggers standing behind the collapsing body.

 

She smiled gratefully at him. “Thank you.” Then her eyebrows crinkled. She did not recognize him from Haven. “Who are you?”

 

“I am Cole. I came to warn you. To help. People are coming to hurt you.” He looked back over his shoulder. “You probably already know.”

 

Well obviously but she was not going to be rude to the boy who just her and her brother. “In danger from who? Do you know who’s attacking us?”

 

“The Templars come to kill you.” He said ominously.

 

That was not who she was expecting. Sure she knew from her brief encounter in Val Royeaux that the Order greatly disliked her but to bring a full army on Haven? She could not understand what would cause them to do this.

 

Cullen was at her side in an instant. He was livid. She knew he was feeling the same emotions as she. No matter the outcome they would be killing former brothers and sister in arms. The thought unsettled her. The Lord Seeker she would gladly kill but this? Most were likely innocent soldiers doing the bidding of their commanding officers.

 

“Is this the Order’s response to your talks with the mages? Attacking blindly?”

 

“The Red Templars went to the Elder One. You know him? He knows you. You took his mages.” Cole pointed to a cliff above Haven. “There.”

 

Cullen bristled at the sight. “Samson and with Knight Commander Meredith’s sword.” His expression darkened. “This Elder One though I do not recognize.”

 

“Wait, wasn’t she the one that was corrupted by the red lyrium idol?” She turned away from the figures.

 

“Yes.” That was all she got as a reply as he walked away and began barking orders to mages and soldiers alike.

 

Cole was watching her nervously. “He’s very angry you took his mages.”

 

“Well he can just get over it. Thank you, Cole.”

 

She turned back to the gathered party. “From what Cole has told us these are not your normal run of the mill Templars. They will be more brutal and much less forgiving. That means Solas, Dorian, Alec, and Vivienne will stay behind with the remaining mages.”

 

Alec and Solas made to protest but she cut them off. “No arguing. They need leaders and that has to be you.”

 

“Sis, there is no way I’m letting you go out there without me.” She sighed. Of course he decided to care now when there was no time to argue.

 

“Fine. But you stay out of range. I may need to use my abilities and the last thing we need is to have you out of commission.” She turned to the others. “Sera join the archers on the wall. They’re going to need you. Blackwall join the vanguard, they’ll need another strong sword. Bull with me.” Then she turned to the newcomer. “Cole, would you come with me too? I’ll need your daggers.”

 

Cole nodded eagerly.

 

“Where are we going, Boss?” Bull asked as they took off into a run.

 

She smirked as the idea started forming into her head. “You’ll see.”

 

* * *

 

Her plan had worked flawlessly. The trebuchet had been launched into the snow-covered mountainside causing an avalanche to bury the bulk of the army. The advantage was theirs…until a dragon swooped in and set everything ablaze.

 

It was massive and grotesque. It looked very much like what she had heard an archdemon looked like. Alec looked at her warily. “You remember when we played Grey Wardens as kids?”

 

She bobbed her head. Alec continued. “I didn’t actually expect us to have face a real archdemon.”

 

She grinned a smile she didn’t feel. “Well at least we have a lot of practice.”

 

They were running. She could hear the screams of her people as their homes and shops were lit into an untamable flame. The heat was scorching and unforgiveable as they ran past. She shouted at the others to find and help survivors. She dropped through a ceiling of a house. She grabbed the man inside and broke down the door.

 

Outside she coughed up smoke and ash as the clear air entered her lungs. The respite was short lived as her group rejoined her and they were off again. She let out a breath of relief when the door to Chantry closed behind them. They were safe. For now.

 

Her party had sustained minor injuries while they battled their way to the trebuchets. The opponents they had faced were monstrous. What had once been men had been changed into hulking beasts with one mindset: red lyrium. The substance had driven them to madness. It had encased most of their body as well. It made killing them easier than she had imagined.

 

Much easier than if they had been real and whole and not fully into the attack. But these were mindless shadows of what they had been. Shae had no trouble after that realization. Blood covered her body. Most was not hers. Most. She had been taken by surprise. She had been fighting off a behemoth when another Red Templar joined the fray.

 

The result was a cut across her eyebrow and down past her eye. How she had managed to keep her eye was beyond her comprehension. It was a fate she would not question. But the bleeding was getting really annoying, impeding her vision.

 

Cullen rushed to them the second he had saw them enter. His face scrunched in concern as he took in her appearance. “You’re injured.” He grabbed the nearest soldier. “Fetch Solas.”

 

“Cullen, that is not necessary. It’s just a scratch.” She reassured him.

 

He gave her a glare that showed he would not be argued with. She in turn rolled her eyes and crossed her arms while she waited. It did not take long. Solas rushed over to her. He looked exhausted. He must have been helping the other healers and drained a lot of his mana.

 

“Don’t waste your mana on me. Just if you could stop the bleeding, that would be wonderful.”

 

He grimaced. “You’ll have a scar, da’len.”

 

She waved that away. “Then I’ll have a scar. I have a collection already.”

 

He acquiesced. She planned on getting some answers while she was being worked on. “How bad?”

 

Cullen sighed heavily. “It is not as bad as it could have been. Your companions helped save a number of lives but there are many injured.”

 

She breathed a sigh of relief as she felt the blood being removed from her face and eye. She could feel a small tingle of magic touch her forehead and she narrowed her eyes at Solas. He returned her stare just as intensely. The blood had stopped though and she was grateful. She would yell at him later.

 

“Any ideas of how to beat a dragon as well?” She asked, turning her attention back to a pacing Cullen.

 

“These walls will not hold forever. If we’re going to die, I’d rather not do it cowering in a Chantry.”

 

“I agree but we cannot abandon our people to rush out into a death charge.”

 

“The Elder One doesn’t care about them. He only wants the Herald.” The voice made startled her. She turned to see Cole lowering Chancellor Roderick to the ground.

 

Cullen let out an angry snarl. “He can’t have her.”

 

She touched his shoulder. “He **can** have me. If that’s what it takes to save you, to save our people…I’ll do it.”

 

“He’ll kill them anyway!” Cole cried out at her admission.

 

Cullen’s eyebrows crinkled. “Shaelan. Absolutely not.”

 

That’s all it took for her resolve to take over. She would save them. Would save him. No one could dissuade her. She was going to die. She was going to choose how.

 

“There is a way.”

 

The voice croaked from an injured Roderick. “The path of the summer pilgrimage. It can lead the people out of Haven. I know the way.”

 

Her insides lit up in hope for the first time since the attack had been announced. They could get out. All of them could get out. Except for her. She would willingly sacrifice herself to save every last soul in this room. “Do it. I’ll distract him.”

 

Cullen made to protest but she covered his mouth with her finger. “I’m doing this. Now stop it. I’m going to load the last trebuchet and bury Haven.”

 

His eyes widened at her plan. He made to open his mouth again but she placed her entire hand over it in place of her finger. “It’ll give cause enough distraction and it will make sure you all don’t get followed.”

 

His eyes closed in defeat. He knew there was no changing her mind once it had been made up. She was grateful for it in that moment. She could not keep up her brave face for much longer and she feared his protests would dissuade her.

 

She cupped his face in both of her hands and searched his face until he looked at her again. “I am coming back to you. I promise.”

 

She rose up on her toes with the intent of kissing him but thought better of it. That was too much like goodbye. She kissed the corner of his mouth instead, right where his scar met his lip.

 

She dropped back down to flat feet and turned away. He caught her wrist before she could leave. “Shae…”

 

His voice was broken. She could not turn back. Would not turn back. If she turned back she would be lost. So instead she found his wrist and squeezed back. “I’ll see you soon. Take care of them in the meantime.”

 

And with that she pulled herself from his grip and marched out the door with her head held high. **Maker watch over me.**

 

* * *

 

She had faced little resistance on her way to the last standing trebuchet. She was thankful. She was alone considering she had refused to allow her friends a chance to volunteer to come with her. She would not risk losing them. This was a suicide mission and she knew it, despite what she had told Cullen.

 

Although she would not mind having Bull’s added muscle right now. The wheel to turn the trebuchet was almost a two-person job but she had managed. She had turned the wheel the final time when she heard an unearthly shriek above her.

 

The dragon swooped down on her and knocked her off the platform. She rolled violently against the hard ground. She felt her recently healed wrist snap again and yelled out. The beast landed behind her with a loud thud. It stalked towards her. **This is it. I failed. I didn’t keep my promise.**

“Enough!” A low timbre shouted from behind her. She turned to see a large figure emerge from the flames. It was the figure from the mountain. The Elder One.

 

She rose to her feet, refusing to cower before the grotesque thing before her.

 

“Pretender. You toy with forces beyond your ken. No more.”

 

She scoffed. “I think you’ll learn that I don’t always do as I’m told. Whatever you are, I’m not afraid of you.”

 

“Words mortals often hurl at the darkness. Once they were mine. They are always lies. Know me. Know what you have pretended to be. Exalt the Elder One! The will that is Corypheus! You will kneel.”

 

“Full of ourselves aren’t we? I don’t think so.” She threw back at him.

 

“You’ll resist. You’ll always resist. It matters not.” He raised his arm to reveal an orb. It began to glow an angry red. “I am here for the anchor. The process of removing it begins now.”

 

Her mark flared brightly as he tried to rip it from her flesh. The pain was agonizing. Much more agonizing than sealing the Breach and the lyrium withdrawals combined. So she began to pray silently. **Blessed are they who stand before the corrupt and the wicked and do not falter.**

 

And the bastard was still not done with his monologue. “It is you fault, “Herald”. You interrupted a ritual years in the planning, and instead of dying, you stole its purpose.”

 

He sent another powerful wave through her. It took everything not to scream out.  **Blessed are the peacekeepers, the champions of the just.** “I do not know how you survived, but what marks you as touched, what you flail at the rifts, I crafted to assault the very heavens.”

 

The next wave was too much and sent her falling to her knees in agony. The mark-no the anchor- was pulsing furiously. **Let the blade pass through the flesh.  
**

 

 “And you used the Anchor to undo my work! The gall!”

 

“What is this thing meant to do?” She spat.

 

“It is meant to bring certainty where there is none. For you, the certainty that I would always come for it.”

 

He strode forward in two long strides. He grabbed her by her broken wrist, the one that contained the anchor, and hauled her high into the air. **Let my blood touch the ground.** “I once breached the Fade in the name of another, to serve the Old Gods of the Empire in person. I found only chaos and corruption. Dead whispers. For a thousand years I was confused. No more.”

 

And still he droned on. “I have gathered the will to return under no name but my own, to champion withered Tevinter and correct this blighted world. Beg that I succeed, for I have seen the throne of the gods, and it was empty!”

 

He tossed her like a rag doll. She hit the side of the trebuchet and slid to the ground. She screamed out in torment. She knew immediately that bones were broken. Judging by how she had to gasp for breath more than a couple of ribs had snapped. She could also feel her left shoulder was now dislocated from the throw. **Let my cries touch their hearts.**

 

“The Anchor is permanent. You have spoiled it with your stumbling.”

 

The dragon and the Elder One began to stride forward. She unsheathed her sword against hope. This was not a fight she could win but she was not giving up that easily.

 

“So be it. I will begin again, find another way to give this world the nation -and god- it requires.”

 

Out of the corner of her eye a lighted arrow enters the sky. **That must be my cue.** She breathes a sigh of relief that everyone had made it out safely. Cullen and Alec were alive and would continue to be. For that she could ask for nothing more. And the fool in front of her had been so kind as to throw her right where she needed to be. **Let mine be the last sacrifice.**  

 

“And you. I will not suffer even an unknowing rival. You must die.”

 

She inched her way towards the release. “You like hearing yourself talk, don’t you? Good to know. You won’t be too sorry when I don’t stick around will you?”

 

With that she kicks the crank and trebuchet fires into the mountainside above the village. Corypheus whirls around in shock. She makes a break for it, running as fast as she can until and throws herself over the wall. Right into a hole of an abandoned mine shaft.

 

 **Varric couldn’t make this shit up if he tried** was the last thought had before her head made impact with the ground.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I changed a few things around. Shae made all the decisions pretty much. She was a trained military mind so it makes no sense why Cullen would have to make all the decisions. She's very capable.
> 
> Also I kept all of Corypheus's monologue. It was too perfect to change. The man does love hearing himself talk doesn't he? That was my first impression when I first played the game.
> 
> This chapter probably isn't my best. I just hope it isn't too terrible. Do let me know if it is and I'll fix it.
> 
> Thank you guys for your awesome comments and continued support. You guys are the best!


	23. Reunited

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Shae trudges through the snow and we have a reunion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I had most of this chapter written since I first started writing this story but it had to be completely overhauled since it was so out of character. Sorry it took so long guys!
> 
> Also Shae drops the f bomb. Like a lot. If that kind of thing offends you. Her half of the chapter is probably not going to be for you.
> 
> Side note: Can we talk about how amazing this is? Definitely looked at this often while writing.  
> https://www.pinterest.com/pin/267190190369040297/

Cullen had been in a daze from the moment Shae had walked out of the Chantry doors. He heard himself yelling orders and ushering the townsfolk along the path through the mountains but he was not aware of much else.

 

He felt hollow as he ordered the archer to send the signal once everyone had cleared the tree line. He watched as she launched the trebuchet and the mountainside covered the burning village. There was a slim chance that anyone could have survived that. If anyone could have it was her. To believe anything else…he couldn’t.

 

* * *

 

 

She was in trouble. She knew that much. She had exited the demon-infested mineshaft and walked straight into a full-blown blizzard. **Today is just not my day.** She winced as she put pressure on her right foot.

 

She had somehow managed to fall on it awkwardly. At least it was not broken. That would have made this trip all but unmanageable. She had procured an old shovel and broke of the spade so she could use it for support.

 

To make matters even more difficult the wound on her eye had been reopened and she was bleeding again. She knew she must look a mess. Her left arm dangled uselessly, limping slowly, bleeding heavily from one eye and if she wasn’t mistaken a concussion. And that wasn’t even counting the difficulty in breathing from her broken ribs.

 

Luckily she picked up the path that Cullen and the Inquisition had taken. That many people left an obvious sigh despite that it was rapidly being overtaken by snow. She had no idea how far ahead they were ahead of her. Judging by how often she had to stop, it would take her hours to catch up.

 

“Time to pick up the pace, Shaelan. Move.” She had to keep moving. She was going to be at risk of hypothermia and frostbite as it was. Delaying her exposure would only increase her risk. She began walking.

 

* * *

 

 

She was frozen. She could not remember the last time she had been this cold. Her armor did little to stave off the frigid bite of the snow. It had been at last an hour since she had passed a cold campfire. She was still far behind them.

 

Her body was beginning to protest against the strain of the forced march. “Shut up. It’s either we keep moving or we die. And dying is not an option.”

 

**Great, now I’m talking to myself. I am losing it.** If anything it was keeping her body moving. If that’s what it took, so be it.

 

Her leg buckled when she walked through a large snow pile she had not been paying attention to. “Oh no. If I don’t get to quit, neither do you.”

 

It was another hour before she resorted to nothing more than profanity and cursing everything she could think of.

 

“Fuck the snow.”

 

Another couple of steps.

 

“Fuck the cold.”

 

More steps.

 

“Fucking Red Templars.”

 

A gasping breath and another few feet.

 

“And their fucking dick of a boss.”

 

Another campfire was up ahead and pushed onward, using that as motivation.

 

“Fuck Tevinter for that matter. Evil, crazy bastards.”

She was almost there.

 

“Except Dorian. Maker bless Dorian. Good Vint.”

 

She fell to her knees when she reached the pit. She cried out in relief when she felt warmth still coming from the ashes. She was close at last. She took a moment to try to coax some heat into her hands. It worked marginally. Finally she rose to her one good foot.

 

**Almost there. I’m almost there.**

Since her new mantra seemed to be working she kept spitting out what came to mind.

 

“Fuck the Breach.”

 

“Fuck lyrium.”

 

“Fuck walking through a damn blizzard.”

 

She could see a glow in the near distance. Another couple of yards and her body completely gave out. She forced her mark to flare. Surely if anyone was watching for her they would see the green and run.

 

Sure enough not seconds later she heard the most beautiful voice in the world. “She’s there!”

 

She knew if anyone would be looking for her it was him. That would never change. She had kept her promise after all.

 

* * *

 

 

They had set up camp some time ago and Cullen immediately left to stand watch in hopes that somehow Shaelan had made it out alive. He could not stand the pitying gazes from her inner circle and her remaining advisors. He had shouted at them that she was not dead. She was not.

 

So he had been pacing there for a few hours instead of facing them. Occasionally a scout would come and give him a report but otherwise he was left undisturbed. They were worried about him, he knew. They knew what it would do to him to lose her. Or they had guessed. He had no idea when he had become so transparent with his feelings for her.

 

It had been a long time since he had allowed himself to open up as he did. More than a decade in fact, since the last time he had seen her. There was something about her that drew him to her against his better judgment. She reminded him of what he was before Uldred’s rebellion stole it all away from both of them.

 

She had an outlook on the world that he held. She saw it for what it was, a flawed and dark place that needed to be changed. She was strong in her convictions of change. Despite the events of her past she had a hope that the world could be made better. She was a bright light in the darkness and Cullen found he could not look away.

 

He could not recall the last time he been truly happy until she made her way back into his life. Solona, he realized, had been nothing but a strong infatuation. Back then he had thought himself in love but he knew that was not so. Shae had started to work her way in soon after Amell left for the Wardens. If he had truly loved the mage, Shae never would have had a chance.

 

It turns out it was the Hero who had never stood a chance. He could see that now in hindsight. And now it might be too late. It had taken him too long to realize how strong his feelings for her were. He knew there would no getting over her. He was in too deep. If she was gone…

 

A flash of green caught his attention. It sparked again and he recognized it instantly.

 

“She’s there!” he yelled. “Tell the healers to be ready and to prepare my tent for her and inform Sister Leliana and Lady Josephine immediately.” He directed to the nearest scout.

 

She looked up at the sound of his voice, her eyes meeting his with a sense of relief. She had already collapsed to her knees. Her front soon joined the rest of her body in the snow.

 

He all out sprinted then. He could not remember the last time he had moved so fast. He scooped her into his arms and let out a gasp. She was remarkably pale, much paler than her usual complexion. The gash cutting across her eye bled heavily and marred her otherwise flawless skin.

 

He quickly undid his fur coat and wrapped her into it. She was in greater need. At the contact she smiled and looked up at him as he quickly started carrying her towards the camp. She snuggled closer into the warmth of his fur cloak. It felt right to have her there, like she belonged in his arms. As if sensing his line of thought she brought a hand up weakly and touched his face. Her fingers were ice but he leaned into the touch, relieved that he was able to so. His heart cried out in relief.

 

“Cullen…” she murmured.

 

His heart contracted at the sound of his name on her lips. He pressed a firm kiss to her forehead and shushed her as happy tears ran down his face. **I love you.** He knew it then but the words just wouldn’t pass his lips. She gently wiped them from his eyes before letting out a hiss of pain as her left arm was jostled in the movement. She dropped her right arm and buried her hands into the fur. He sped up his pace then.

 

“It hurts, everything hurts. I can’t…Cullen; I can’t…” she gritted through her teeth.

 

Shae was not one to complain. If she was in this much discomfort he believed her. He knew the way she held her marked arm it was dislocated. Her eye was obviously cut open again. Her raspy breathing indicated broken ribs. It was hard to imagine what else was ailing her.

 

“Breach and withdrawals hurt worse. But this…son of a bitch!” She yelled out as he stumbled over an unseen object.

 

“Well, you look great.” He mumbled against her hair.

 

She snorted which caused her to wince. “Liar.”

 

He felt hopeless. His gut clenched at the sound of her pain. It was only a slight relief when the agony and exhaustion finally overwhelmed her and she passed out peacefully in his arms. He wrapped her tighter to him them.

 

The moment he entered camp healers surrounded him. They moved quickly to his tent. He had no sooner sat her down than Solas and the other healers shooed him out. He knew they needed room to work but he didn’t want to leave her side. He paced impatiently in front of the tent as Leliana and Josephine sat and waited for news. Cullen thanked the Maker for bringing her back safely and prayed that she would recover. This could never happen again he vowed, he would not allow it.

 

* * *

 

 

The healers had been with her for hours, even Alec had rushed in when he had heard his sister had been found. Cullen resented that fact. They were family but Alec had not treated her as such since they had rescued him from Alexius’ clutches.

 

**Maybe this will be good for them. Maybe he will stop being such an ass.** All Shae had ever wanted was her brothers. They had talked about it often during downtime in the library of Kinloch. Now with Reed gone it was only the two of them. After Alec had been found a mage his father had disowned him as easily as he had ignored and abused his sister. If Alec didn’t come around he did not know what she would do.

 

The tent flapped open and Solas walked toward him. He opened his mouth to ask how she was doing but the apostate beat him to it. “She will recover, Commander. We had to reset her broken bones and mend them. She suffered a concussion as well. She may feel lingering side effects from that but otherwise she is completely healthy.”

 

He let out the breath he had not known he was holding. She was okay. She was going to make a full recovery. He clapped the elf on the shoulder and squeezed. “Thank you, Solas. You’ve saved her twice now. Probably more than that come to think of it. If you ever need anything, it’s yours.”

 

Solas eyed him warily before nodding. “She was awake when I left.” Then he let a small smile show. “She was asking for you.”

 

Cullen took off instantly. It was only a few shorts steps from his fire to the entrance of her tent. He entered and saw Alec stand. The older Trevelyan eyed him with distrust as he let go of his sister’s hand.

 

Shae turned her head from her cot. When she saw him her smile grew wide. He couldn’t help but begin to smile back. Without her eyes leaving his she spoke. “Alec, I need to speak to Cullen. Could you leave us for a bit?”

 

Alec just bobbed his head stiffly and shouldered past him as he exited, leaving just the two of them alone. He strolled quickly to her bedside and dropped to his knees. He cupped her face and leaned his forehead to hers.

 

She grinned wider at the contact and closed her eyes. A content sigh left her lips and brushed against his. “I told you I was coming back to you.”

 

He kissed her nose and pulled away. “You did. I am grateful. How are you feeling?”

 

“Like a mountain fell on top of me.” She stated with an amused expression.

 

He flinched. She places her hands on top of his. “Cullen, I was joking. I’m just sore, I’m going to be okay.”

 

“I had to give the order. It would’ve been my fault had you not—had you…”

 

She drew his chin upward. “Stop. Just stop. Don’t go there.”

 

He sighed. She was right. Of course she was right. It was no use to worry about what had already passed. She was here. She was safe. That was all that mattered.

 

She shivered. Only then did he notice her state of undress. She was stripped to only her breast band. The rest was hidden under a pile of furs. His eyes trailed over unmapped skin. Only a cough brought his attention upward.

 

She was watching him smugly. “If you’re done ogling me, you can get under here and keep me warm.”

 

He blushed furiously at being caught and even more at the rest of her statement. “I—I that is, um…that would be inappropriate, Herald.”

 

She rolled her eyes as her teeth continued to chatter. “I’m freezing. Get under the covers, _Commander_. That’s an order. And lose the armor.”

 

He began to strip immediately. His armor clanked heavily to the ground as he moved to his boots. Shae began to laugh. “Eager are we?”

 

When he was down to just his pants he paused as he noticed her gaze. She was eyeing his chest and stomach hungrily. She looked up quickly and blushed. He gave her a half smirk. “You have no idea.”

 

He crawled in careful not to want to touch any lingering pains. She curled into him quickly. Her head tucked into the crook of his shoulder as her legs hooked around his. She hummed happily at the warmth of his body.

 

She was dressed in nothing but her smalls. This was going to be more difficult than he imagined. Frigid feet pressed against his and he yelped. “Maker, that’s cold!”

 

“Big baby.” Shae murmured into his chest sleepily. Her shivering and chattering had stopped.

 

He curled his arm around her waist and pulled her in closer. She raised her head just enough to eye his shoulder. Her expression saddened before she lowered her lips to small jagged scar there.

 

He shivered at the contact. It was the scar she had given him after he had snuck on her in the training grounds after her return from Val Royeaux. Her dagger had pierced him, that much he remembered. Everything else was fuzzy. He knew she still carried around the guilt.

 

He in turn kissed the new scar across her left eye. She settled her head back down and was asleep within seconds. He rolled so that he held her against his chest. That’s how he dozed off: two arms wrapped around her, head nuzzled into her hair, and a smile on his face.

 

* * *

 

 

“Shh, Sparkler. You’ll wake them.”

 

Curly had entered the tent hours ago and had failed to come back out. So of course they were all curious. Dorian and himself had “volunteered” to check on them and here they were, watching Violet and Curly’s PG cuddle session.

 

“But they aren’t doing anything! Maybe I should go in there and show her how it’s done.” Dorian whispered.

 

“They are horrible at this, but no. They need to do this themselves.”

 

“Fine. Care to make a wager?”

 

Varric lifted an eyebrow. “You do know who you’re talking to right? Of course I would.”

 

“Five silver says nothing happens before Wintersend.”

 

“You’re on, Sparkler.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this wasn't too atrocious. If something seems off or a sentence doesn't seem to fit let me know. I copy and pasted from and couple of already half written documents and just edited from there.
> 
> I hope the Varric and Dorian bit at the end wasn't too bad. I just wanted to throw that in at the end to show the bet has officially started. If it's too horrible just let me know and I'll remove it. 
> 
> I'll be editing everything fully tomorrow.
> 
> Thank you guys so much for all of your continued support. You guys are seriously the best readers ever :D


	24. Interruptions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which, fluff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *throws fluff at you until the next part of the story is outlined*
> 
> So I've part of this chapter written for a while. Ever since I saw this amazing picture on Pinterest. (I don't do tumblr so therefore Pinterest is where I find everything.)  
> https://www.pinterest.com/pin/267190190369066199/

Shae woke to a jerky movement. It startled her from her sleep until she realized the source. She smiled when she saw and felt his strong arms wrapped protectively around her.

 

She traced the planes of his stomach with the tips of her fingers, slowly making her way down and then back up to his chest. He was perfection incarnate. His only flaws were the scars that marked him from years of swordplay and the one she had given him.

 

He twitched again in his sleep. She looked up then. His face was drawn into a scowl. A nightmare then. Only that could mar such a beautiful face. She lifted her hand and ran the tip of her fingers down his forehead and to the tip of his nose. The scowl relaxed but his body did not.

 

“Cullen.” She cooed gently, not wanting to startle him too greatly.

 

“No…stop…” was his only reply as he fought whatever was haunting him.

 

She cupped his face with her hand and tried a firmer voice. “Cullen.”

 

He woke with a start and immediately gripped her wrist in a vice like grip, yanking it away.

 

His eyes were wide and unseeing as panted heavily from his dream. He had still not released her wrist, which was beginning to protest under the pressure. She took her other hand again cupped his cheek. She let the anchor flare just enough to assure him he was awake. That she was real.

 

To force her mark to life was painful but it was worth it when his face softened and he relaxed. Until he had seen what he had done to her wrist.

 

He dropped his grip and tried to jump out of bed but she was too quick for him. She wrapped her arms tightly around his torso, making it all but impossible unless he was to drag her with him.

 

“Shaelan!” he half cried and half groaned. “Let me go.”

 

She shook her head stubbornly against his chest. Then realized he couldn’t see her. “No. You can’t run from me. I’m not going to let you. I’m fine.”

 

He let out an agitated sigh and brought her wrist up to inspect. It was red but wouldn’t bruise which she was grateful for if not her sake but his. He would never have forgiven himself had he hurt her. He brought it gently to his lips and rested it back on his chest. “Forgive me.”

 

“There’s nothing to forgive.”

 

“Stubborn woman.” He mumbled affectionately against her hair.

 

She leaned up and grinned at him. “You like it, just admit it. You’ll feel better.”

 

He looked down and returned her smile. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

 

She rose up to her elbow so that she was at his level. “I think that you do.”

 

He drew her closer and moved his lips to her ear. “Maybe…”

 

He trailed off. His teeth nipped her ear, which drew a surprised gasp from her. He chuckled at her reaction. And began to kiss along her jaw. “Something wrong?”

 

She vaguely remembered those words. And then she recalled it through her then drunken haze. What she had said in response… _Quite the opposite, Commander. Who knew your sword was so big._ She hid her face in her hands.

 

“Shae?” Confusion laced Cullen’s voice.

 

“I—sorry, it’s just…do you remember what we said the last time you asked me that?” She knew her face had to be burning red.

 

He looked at her quizzically and then she saw realization hit him.  _Would you like to sheathe it, my lady?_ His blush was a deeper crimson than hers. “Maker, that’s—I should refrain from using those words ever again.”

 

She started laughing at their shared embarrassment. He quickly joined her. They laughed until tears started streaming down her face. Cullen stopped before her and just watched her laugh until she sighed happily. She raised her brow as she noticed his expression. “So beautiful.”

 

She blushed and looked away but he quickly caught her chin. “I’ll stop if it makes you uncomfortable. I shouldn’t have assumed.”

 

He made to leave again but she pulled him back in. “Don’t. Don’t stop. Please.”

 

He was on her in an instant, pushing her back into the bed. He leaned in to kiss her when someone cleared their throat and opened the flap to the tent.

 

Cullen closed his eyes and gripped the furs on either side of her tightly. She knew he was doing his best to still his temper. They had been so close…again. She was starting to think she would never be able to kiss him again. And she desperately wanted to.

 

“I apologize, Commander. Herald, Mother Giselle wishes to check on your wounds.”

 

She peaked around Cullen’s shoulder to see Solas looking at her knowingly. He raised her eyebrow in amusement and a question. She shook her head and flipped a finger at him. He snorted. “Thank you, Solas. I’ll be ready in just a moment.”

 

She looked back to Cullen after he left. His heated expression was gone, barely contained underneath the surface.

 

He kissed her forehead and dressed quickly. Mother Giselle entered not soon after. She eyed Cullen with clear disapproval causing him to blush and stammer. “I should see to my soldiers.”

 

He retreated, leaving her to face the judging Chantry mother.

 

* * *

 

 

He had watched as she stood uncomfortably around the bowing people as Mother Giselle sang. He found himself singing along and her eyes had met his. They had seemed so lost, so distant. If he hadn’t known her like the back of his hand he wouldn’t have been able to distinguish what was wrong. Her fidgeting gave her away.

 

Her eyes never left his until Solas had taken her away. He saw her body relax instantly as the elven mage led her away from the worshipping townsfolk she had saved. She had returned with news of a place where they could take shelter. A place that Solas had found in the Fade no more than two days march from here.

 

They had set out the next morning with Solas and Shae at the head of the group. Cullen was not far behind although he often fell back to check in with his lieutenants or to talk with his soldiers. But he always found himself right back where he started.

 

He watched her trudge through the snow ahead. The healers had worked miracles on her body. Her ankle was still ginger from the sprain. Her ribs healed, her body more beautiful than ever even with the newly healed scar across her left eye. They were both marked now, both scarred from events from that changed the course of history.

 

As if sensing his eyes on her she turned and gave him a smug smirk as if she knew where his eyes had been not moments before. A mischievous thought entered his head. He knew one way to wipe the look of her face. She turned around continuing to march up the mountain. As soon her attention was refocused on a conversation with Solas he made his move.

 

Grabbing a handful of snow, he quickly shaped it into a form of a ball. He launched it hitting his target right below her head, sending most of the snowball down her cloak. She shrieked and turned wildly to find the culprit.

 

His serious façade broke when she turned her attention to him. He broke into fits of laughter at the incredulous look in her face.

 

“Cullen Stanton Rutherford!” she yelled as she bent down to make a snowball of her own. “You. Are. So. Dead!”

 

He yelped as she sent the mass flying hitting him square in the face. Her face shone with victory as she doubled over in laughter. A hint of what he had in mind must have gleamed in his eyes because she was soon backing up, waving her hands. “Don’t you even think about it.”

 

It was already too late for that. It was time to finish what he had started. He was dashing up the mountain chasing after her as she shrieked with laughter, sending half formed snowballs in his general direction to try to keep him at bay. It was futile. He was on her in seconds, wrapping her in his arms depositing them both down into the frigid snow. In the last second he had flipped so he did not land on her, reversing their positions.

 

Her silver blonde hair fell forward across her left eye. The hood of her violet cloak had fallen over her head in their skirmish. Her face was flushed from the cold and laughter, her eyes a light with happiness. And he had put it there. His heart swelled at the sight. The feeling of her body flush against his drove out the cold of the snow they were in. Her gloved hand lay gently on his shoulder pushing herself up slightly so their faces where only inches apart.

 

His right hand came up and brushed the offending hair away from her eye and tucked it behind her ear. She trembled at the touch and leaned her head into his hand as it lingered on her cheek.

 

“Shaelan.” he mumbled reverently. "So perfect."

 

She blushed a brilliant red that rivaled his own as he realized what he’d said out loud. He watched as she her tongue darted across he pink lips and was captivated. He looked into her eyes seeing a look he hadn’t seen before. Her pupils were blown wide. Was that longing? Was that want? Did she feel what he was feeling too? In that moment he could almost believe it. If just leaned a forward a little he could brush his lips against hers, he could…

 

“Oi, would you two get a room already?!” Sera yelled. He groaned. The moment was gone. Whatever had been in her eyes before was gone. She sighed and gave him a sad sort of smile and removed herself from him. He took her offered hand and they began to rid themselves of any offending snow.

 

“I guess we should head back,” he grumbled.

 

“I suppose so,” she agreed.

 

She marched ahead of him as he watched her toned figure sway with every footfall as she caught up with Solas. **Damn Sera.** He never taken to the rogue but never more had he disliked her more than right now. Of course kissing the Herald of Andraste in front of everyone was not the best idea, but Maker did he want to. Wanted to desperately.

 

“Damn it, Buttercup. Could you not have waited a few more seconds? They were about to hit a breakthrough.” Varric asked exasperated as Cullen marched by.

 

He just shook his head as the dwarf continued to argue with Sera. His gaze turned back Shae.

 

He needed her. He needed her like the desert needed rain, like a starved man needed a meal. And her would have her. Eventually they would get more than one moment alone without being interrupted. When that happened he planned to fully take advantage of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're at 1000 hits and counting! You guys are amazing! Thank you for your continued support! 
> 
> Here's to many more chapters! Hope you guys enjoyed :)


	25. Hawke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which, we get information

Skyhold was every bit as impressive as Solas had described. It was odd that such a formidable fortress stood no more than a two days ride from Haven and yet it stood unclaimed and untouched for a hundred years at least. And with the years of neglect came the list of repairs and endless cleaning.

 

They had been camped outside for two weeks before it was deemed acceptable for human occupation. The war room had been the first room claimed although there was still a gaping hole in the hallway leading to it. It let in the brutal winds and snow that accompanied the mountains although that would keep most people away, which was ideal.

 

The next was hers despite her protesting. She was not nearly so important that she could not wait until the others were settled. Josephine had been insistent, however and she slept and woke on the wonderful softness of a mattress while others still camped on the hard cold ground. She felt guilty and tried her best to work it off in helping with the clearing of heavy debris and rebuilding.

 

She had been interrupted on one such occasion when Cassandra had come to fetch her. Sweating and covered in dirt and spider webs she took up the mantle of Inquisitor. Cullen’s voice had rang out across the courtyard rallying the soldiers and people as his raised sword matched hers, reaching into the sky. Even from her position she could see the prideful gleam in his eyes.

 

She had not asked for this. For the responsibility of running the Inquisition and being its figurehead. It was not what she had wanted, but she would be lying if she said she had not seen this coming. Wasn’t it she who had been giving orders all along? The other advisors had given their advice sure, but it was her decisions they chose to follow.

 

Not that giving orders was something she was uncomfortable with. As a former Knight Captain she had given plenty. It was the political side of this position that gave her pause. While she knew Josie would be more than willing to help, she would not always be around. She was a soldier, not a politician and she was terrified one misstep on her part could ruin what they were working so hard to achieve.

 

She buried herself in clearing rubble instead of lingering on those thoughts. Varric found her in a room just off of the Grand Hall where Harritt had claimed as the forge or Undercroft as he was so proudly calling it. The room was massive and one end opened to show off the mountains around them.

 

“Hey, Violet. When you have time I have someone who I want you to meet.” His eyes twinkled mischievously at the statement.

 

She raised an eyebrow at him. There was only on person whom Varric would be eager to introduce her to. If Cassandra found out she would likely kill him. She knew she should tell her whom the rogue had smuggled into the keep but her curiosity was peaked. “I have time now but if the Seeker catches wind of this I’m throwing you to the wolves.”

 

He just smiled at her slyly as he led her through the main hall and off to another door on their left that led into a large three storied rotunda. Solas had claimed the bottom portion for himself. The library took over a majority of the second where Dorian had made his main haunt. Leliana and her ravens claimed the top. The squawks and cries of the birds rang throughout and she wondered how anyone on the bottom two floors managed to concentrate with the constant noise.

 

They cut through Solas’ study and onto the battlements, passing quickly through Cullen’s newly claimed tower. The man himself was not there. The tower was still in a state of disrepair and he had made a makeshift desk down in the courtyard below. They moved back onto the battlements quickly and were soon stopping on a hidden portion covered from the roof of the tavern in front of them. It was a cleverly thought out meeting place, although she was not surprised since it was Varric who had set up the meeting.

 

He motioned for her to stay put and ran off to a nearby tower and when he returned he was not alone. She knew she must look like a fool because the minute Marian Hawke stepped into their hidden place her jaw dropped. She was every bit as formidable as she had read and heard about. Her armor was dinged and rusted in spots but she knew that was more to blend in than anything. It would not do to draw attention to her. Although the massive great sword strapped to her back was enough to draw any eye despite her efforts otherwise.

 

Hawke eyed her bemusedly with crystal blue eyes as she took in Shae’s reaction. Shae coughed and straightened, determined not to make herself look more a fool in the Champions presence. “Sorry, I’ve just heard so much about you.”

 

Hawke just laughed. “And I you, my dear lady Templar. Varric never shuts up about you.”

 

“Oh?” She glanced over to see the dwarf fidgeting under the scrutiny.

 

He just shrugged. “You’re impressive, Violet. Templar, who broke her lyrium leash, closed the Breach, stared down death and brought down a mountain and yet you still live. Speaking of that, isn’t there something you’d like to tell the Inquisitor Hawke?

 

She winced slightly at the title. It’s not that she had not heard it plenty but hearing it from the mouth of her friend was almost too much. Hawke gave her a sympathetic look before she spoke. “Right. This Corypheus fellow, turns out Varric and myself have faced him before.”

 

Her eyebrows shot up. “You’re kidding?! How is he not dead?”

 

Hawke grimaced. “Well, that’s the thing. He was dead. Like deader than dead. We made sure of it.”

 

“Are you sure it’s the same person then? Wait, person isn’t the right word. Creature perhaps, abomination even.”

 

“Abomination is pretty close. Darkspawn and Tevinter magister is more precise, but no I don’t believe I’m mistaken. We found him locked in a Grey Warden prison in the Vimmark Mountains. The Carta had been targeting us for months before Varric tracked down where the attacks were coming from.” Hawke elaborated as she leaned her forearms on the walls.

 

Varric shrunk inward at her casual statement. “Sorry.”

 

“It’s not your fault, Varric! None of could have foreseen it was a trap.”

 

Shae interrupted before the dwarven rogue could respond. “Trap?”

 

Hawke scowled as she continued to look over the courtyard. “Yes, well. The Carta really were there but they were being controlled. I’ll spare you the details. Let’s just say this Corypheus had managed to take over the minds of not only the Carta but he was also able to mimic the Warden’s calling and that is the real reason I’m here.”

 

She had questions. Many questions. She wanted more details but she knew they were pressing their luck at being discovered. “My spymaster has mentioned strange Warden activity. You think he is involved?”

 

Marian nodded. “I do. I have a contact in the Wardens. A man named Stroud. He was looking into something for me when suddenly every Warden in Orlais began to hear their Calling.”

 

“I’m going to take it that is not a good thing.”

 

Hawke snorted. “No, it isn’t. Let’s just say the Warden Commander is making some terrible decisions because of it and when Stroud spoke up against her, he was branded traitor and has been on the run ever since. He has vital information that you are going to need. Meet me in Crestwood whenever you can. I can’t keep him hidden there forever.”

 

Shae contemplated for a few moments before she nodded. “I’ll inform my advisors at once. I should be able to leave within the week.”

 

Hawke grinned and clasped Shae’s forearm. “You’re not bad…for a Templar. A lot like Curly, you are.”

 

“Ex- Templar. And you know Cullen?” She tried and failed to keep the surprise from her voice.

 

Hawke waggled her eyebrows. “Cullen, huh? Not Commander? Wait, you’re not…”

 

Marian’s eyes widened as she looked Shae over. “Oh.” She breathed.

 

“What? I’m not what? Why are you looking at me like that?!”

 

“It’s just I should have realized. You’re her aren’t you? You’re the girl from Fereldan he tortured himself over. The way he talked about you…I assumed you were dead. He seemed so heartbroken.”

 

She released Hawke’s arm and backed away. “I think you must be mistaken. It was probably the Hero he was speaking of.”

 

The warrior’s chocolate brown braid swung back and forth as she shook her head. “No. He spoke of a Templar. The Hero was a mage, it couldn’t have been her.”

 

She was frozen. Cullen had spoken about her? And to Hawke of all people. Why would he do that? Why would he torture himself over her? It was something she did not understand. Cullen had all but pushed her away after he had been rescued from the Harrowing Chamber. And then they had been torn apart before they could reconcile.

 

“I, um…right. Thank you for the information. I’ll meet you in Crestwood soon.” She managed to stutter.

 

Hawke watched her curiously. “Look forward to it, Inquisitor. Varric, care to show me out?”

 

She did not hear his response as she leaned against the ramparts and placed her head in her hands. It was not until she felt her head clear enough from all the information she had just obtained did she make her way back to the keep and sent word for a war table meeting. They had many things to discuss and afterwards so did she and Cullen.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long guys! I've had major writer's block and I am literally writing this on the seat of my pants. I know what I want to happen but as to what comes in between is a mystery to me until I start typing and inspiration just takes over.
> 
> Big things are coming next chapter. Some I think you will enjoy immensely ;D


	26. Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which, we get a letter from home and Shae and Cullen talk

He walked briskly towards the War Room. It was not often that the Herald called an unscheduled meeting. Something was wrong. He could feel it. He had not even bothered to return to his quarters to change back into his armor.

 

Instead he was still wearing a simple cotton tunic and pants. He was in the middle of running drills with his soldiers when the messenger had fetched him. He was drenched in sweat, causing his shirt to stick to chest and back. It was a gratifying feeling. Training helped push away the withdrawals, if only temporarily. It gave him a clarity he rarely felt these days.

 

He pushed open the door to the War Room to find Shae hunched over the table, her fingers tapping incessantly. Her nervous tick, which was never a good sign. He had discovered it at Kinloch as they spent more and more time together. It was something she never realized she did until he had been the one to point it out to her.

 

She didn’t react to his approach. The only sign she acknowledged her presence was the way her shoulders dropped from their tense position.

 

“What’s wrong?” He whispered as Leliana and Josephine entered chatting amiably.

 

She finally lifted her head to look at him and her jaw dropped. Her eyes grew wide as they moved their way down his body. He should feel embarrassed at her blatant perusal of his body. Instead he felt a sense of pride that he had caused such a reaction. He could not help the small smug smirk that crept its way onto his face as she bit her lip.

 

“Enjoying the view Inquisitor?” He muttered into her ear.

 

She shivered and then blushed furiously at being caught. She met his gaze and as quickly as he could blink the embarrassment was gone. In its place was the mask she wore so well.

 

“Is there a reason a certain Champion knows about Ferelden?” she hissed back at him.

 

He froze. **Fuck.** All smugness he felt a moment before was gone. “How do you—how did you…”

 

She just gave a look. The look. “After.” And then louder so he could not refuse. “To your place, Commander.”

 

Leliana quirked her eyebrow at him as he took his position opposite of Shae. He just scowled. She was not looking at him despite his obvious attempts to catch her eye.

 

He tried to focus as she informed of her meeting with a contact of Varric’s. The reports were disturbing but he found he could only focus on what she had asked before the meeting began.

 

Hawke and himself had never been close. She helped him a few times in Kirkwall with the Templars but he would not consider her a close friend. It had been one night after they had first met when he broke down. He had been forced to kill a recruit who had turned into an abomination in front of his eyes. Later when Hawke had disclosed the blood magic ring she had discovered, it had been enough to do him in.

 

Cullen was not one to drink but Kinloch was pushed to the forefront of his mind as the events transpired. He was highly intoxicated at The Hanged Man when the Champion showed up. She dismissed her other companions and came to check on him. He promptly spilled his guts about what had transpired at the Circle Tower.

 

Then slowly he found himself talking about Shae. How they were the only Templars to survive the uprising. How she had been tortured herself but made the Hero take her along to save him. How guilty he had felt when he pushed her away. How he had wished more than anything he could see her again and beg her forgiveness.

 

Hawke had listened quietly as he spilled his darkest secrets and when he was on the verge of tears put his arm around her shoulder and marched him back to the Gallows. He was grateful to her for not judging him and for not asking questions.

 

That night his nightmares changed. It was almost always Solona that the desire demon took to form. That night and every dream since it was always Shaelan. Always with her silver blonde hair and ever-changing violet eyes. Except they weren’t violet for long. The demon could never quite get her eyes right and that’s how he knew what was happening and that’s how he fought until he woke drenched with sweat.

 

He looked Shae over now. Her hair shone in as the sun hit it through the windows. Her eyes alight with passion as she spoke. Her body was tense as she finished her account.

 

“I told our contact I would leave within the week. The sooner we get to the bottom of this the better.”

 

“I agree, Inquisitor. These reports are worrying. If Corypheus is able to manipulate the Wardens what else is he capable of?” Leliana worried at her lip as she looked over a report.

 

“Have you heard from her?” Shae asked gently. Who was she talking about?

 

Leliana scowled. “No. Alistair is worried sick as well. There’s no sign of her anywhere.”

 

Solona. Of course they would be looking for her. She was a Warden but she was also a friend. She could offer valuable advice and information as a veteran of the Fifth Blight. But more than anything it would be a relief to know that she was safe.

 

“You’ll find her.” Shae reassured the spymaster. “Now if that’s all?”

 

“Actually Inquisitor there is one more thing.” Josephine smiled apologetically. “A letter, from your father.”

 

He watched as Shaelan’s entire body froze. Her hand curled tightly around the hilt of her sword causing her fingers to whiten dramatically.

 

“Who wrote him? I specifically asked not to bother to contact him.” Her voice was ice and on the verge of being murderous. It was terrifying and it thrilled him all at once.

 

Josephine startled at the tone but immediately straightened. “Alec asked me to write him with word of Reed and to inform him of both of your survival.”

 

“Of course he did.” She grumbled. “Well, let me see what my wonderful father has to say.”

 

Josephine handed her the letter cautiously. Shae’s expression darkened with every passing sentence. He knew her relationship with her father was almost nonexistent. How a man could treat his child that way was beyond his comprehension. She had told him much of her growing up but not all if her reaction to the letter had anything to say about it.

 

“He’s what?!” She crumpled the letter in her hand as her body shook with rage. “I assume you’ve read this? It is addressed to you after all.” She all but growled at the ambassador.

 

“I-I have, Inquisitor.”

 

“He and Finley are not coming here! I refuse to give them admittance.”

 

He could feel the anger rolling off of her. If hadn’t known she had already burned the lyrium from her system he would think it was a side effect from her dosage. This though, this was beyond anger. He could see the fear in her eyes as her hand wrapped around her side as if she were wounded.

 

“Lady Montilyet, Leliana if could give us the room?” He suggested and the two women nodded. Leliana ushered a shaken Josie out the room as he turned his attention back to Shae.

 

Her hand was still clenched around the letter and the other still wrapped around her left side. She was visibly shaken. He had never seen her this rattled. Not even when she walked out of the Chantry to face down an archdemon and a darkspawn magister.

 

He slowly made his way around the table, not wanting to spook her. “Shaelan.”

 

Her eyes lifted to meet his and it was all he could do not to close the distance and hold her. “Talk to me, please.”

 

She took a shuddering breath before balling up the letter and throwing it across the room. “Do you know what that bastard has done to me?”

 

It came out as a whisper but he heard every word. He remained quiet sensing she had more to say but took a step towards her. He did not expect her to wrench up the left side of her shirt and turn. “You see this?!”

 

He did. A jagged and raised scar wrapped around her side and started up her back until it stopped just before her spine. His breath caught in his throat. She dropped the hem and continued. “I was eight. Eight, Cullen! Alec had developed his magic and was taken away. Father decided that was the perfect time for a sparring session.”

 

He had a feeling where this was going but kept his mouth shut. “I didn’t know he wasn’t using a blunted edge. He took out all his anger and embarrassment out on me in the ring. How dare he have a mage child! How dare I still be alive! Why couldn’t it have been me instead of his precious boy? And then pain. So much pain. He refused to fetch a healer for me. Finley just laughed as I bled on the ground and walked off with father but not Reed.”

 

A small bittersweet smile crept onto her face then. “Somehow his 10 year old self was able to carry me to the servants quarters. An elven servant, Mahanon, helped carry me to my room from there and tended to my wound as well. Reed barely left my bedside for weeks as I healed the old fashioned way.”

 

Her gaze was vacant as she relived old memories. He needed to pull her back. It did nothing but cause more pain to dwell on the past; he knew that more than anyone. “And the letter? What did it say?”

 

“He wants to see his child. Not his children you’ll notice. Herald of Andraste and Inquisitor and I’m still not good enough for him.” She gave a self-deprecating laugh.

 

He took another step towards her. “No. He’s not good enough for _you._ ”

 

Her eyes widened with unshed tears. “Cullen—”

 

He closed the distance between them and took her in his arms. He felt her relax as he held her tightly to his chest. “He doesn’t deserve you. And he never will. You are far too good for the likes of him. I won’t allow him to harm you again.”

 

Her breath hitched as she held back a sob. It said something that she only showed this side to him. She was so strong in front of the others but with him she gave in to her emotions. Good or bad, he would take them all. He would be what she needed even if she did not know what that was herself.

 

She clenched her fists into the back of his shirt before releasing him and backing away to lean against the war table. Her face was touched with pink as she looked down at her palms. “Thank you, Cullen.”

 

“Of course, my lady.”

 

She broke out into a wide grin and leaned over and smacked his shoulder. “Don’t push you luck.”

 

He gave her a lopsided smile before broaching the subject he’d spent agonizing over since she brought it up. “About Hawke…”

 

Her head shot up and she watched him carefully as he bumbled through an explanation. “I had just seen a recruit—Wilmod, turn into an abomination and I forced to kill him just as Hawke showed up. It brought up…unwanted memories.”

 

She gave him a look of understanding before reaching for his hand. He took it and squeezed before picking up once more. “You know I don’t drink often.” She just snorted and before she motioned for him to continue. “Hawke found me in the tavern later that night three sheets to the wind. Needless to say I spilled my guts to her before she hauled me back to the Gallows.”

 

She pushed off the table and stood in front of him and began playing with the opening of shirt. “Lightweight.” She looked up and gave him a playful wink. “Why was she convinced you were talking about me? She insisted it was a Templar you talked about but that can’t be true. Surely it was the Hero, umph—”

 

He crashed his mouth into hers. Foolish woman. That was enough talking for now. As soon as the shock wore of she was responding eagerly. She brought her hands to the nape of his neck and brought him in closer. He moaned at the feeling of her tongue begging for entrance and he gladly granted it. He began slowly walking them backwards until he had her back pressed against the door.

 

Their tongues wove together as his hands roamed down her body. He skimmed the curve of her breasts, down her waist until he grabbed her bottom in both hands and lifted. She squeaked in response but caught on, wrapping her legs around his waist. Her hands wove into his hair as he peppered her neck and jaw with kisses.

 

_“Cullen.”_

 

His name sounded like heaven on her lips. Keeping one hand beneath her for support he snaked the other up her back and into hair, all but destroying her braid. He pulled back and exposed her neck where he nipped and then ran his tongue over the small red marks he left behind before making his way back to her mouth.

 

He could spend forever kissing her. Her lips were slightly chapped from the cold but he didn’t care. It was her. After years apart they had finally found each other. All thought was disrupted however when she ground her hips against his.

 

“Maker…” He breathed.

 

The feeling of her heat against his growing length made him shudder.

 

“Too much?” Shae asked innocently before she repeated her action causing him clench his fist in her hair.

 

He let out a groan as he tossed his head back. “Tease.”

 

She just hummed in confirmation as she ran her tongue from his Adam’s apple to his jaw. She began rocking against him in earnest and he lowered his forehead to hers. She ran her thumb along his scarred lip and he returned the favor by running his thumb over her eyebrow and across her eye.

 

The friction was proving too much. He couldn’t focus. He had let this escalate too far. What if this was all she wanted? He didn’t think he could do this if all she wanted was a quick tumble. He wanted more. As much as it pained him he had to stop this. They needed to finish their conversation before he could allow this to continue. She rose up to kiss him again before he stopped her. “Wait.”

 

She paused and looked at him curiously as he walked them over and sat her on the table. “What’s wrong?”

 

He sighed and pressed the crown of his head into her chest before answering. She began running her fingers through his hair and he almost melted at her touch. “Of course it wasn’t Solona I was talking about you foolish woman. Maker’s breath, did you have no idea how I felt about you?”

 

Her fingers stilled. “Cullen, you carried a torch for her. It was so obvious.”

 

He just chuckled as he placed his hands on either side of her. “I was infatuated with her yes. But then there was you. You were more to me than Solona could ever dream of being.”

 

“Oh.” She murmured.

 

He looked up at her then. She looked awed when her violet eyes met his honey colored. And then she beamed. “I felt the same.”

 

He just looked at her shocked. “Really?”

 

She laughed before slapping him playfully again. “Yes, you dolt. I thought it was obvious. Apparently not.”

 

“Do you still…”

 

He let the question hang in the air. Shae gave him an incredulous stare before pulling him back to her lips. The kiss broke too soon. “Fool, of course I do.”

 

It was his turn to grin cheerfully. He gave her a peck before lowering her to her feet. “Does that mean that we are—”

 

“Together?” She smirked. “Yes. That is what it means, if that’s what you want I mean.”

 

He brought her back in for one more lingering kiss. “I do. I do want that.”

 

He sighed heavily. “As much as I’d like to stay, I have to get back to the troops.”

 

She nodded and cupped his cheek. “I understand. Dinner tonight?”

 

He brought her hand to his mouth. “Dinner.”

 

He turned and left the room feeling the happiest he’d felt in years. It was worth the stares as he grinned like an idiot as walked back to the courtyard. He couldn’t find it in him to care. He had gotten the girl. For once in his life, something had gone right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys you were one step away from sex and you were still unsure about how each other felt. Damn it Cullen, why do you have to be so pragmatic? *sighs* Clueless I tell you! But it was about damn time. The two dorks are together at last :D I'm still struggling with writing kissing and eventually smut so bare with me you guys. Critiques in that department are most welcome.
> 
> So I hope you don't mind I changed their first kiss (well second in their case). While I adore the battlements scene it just didn't feel like something my characters would do. Apparently groping each other in the War Room is. *shrugs*
> 
> Comments and kudos are my form of coffee. I love hearing from my wonderful readers :)


	27. The Light in the Darkness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a dragon and we return from Crestwood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this took so long you guys! I have started surgical tech school on top of work and it's like I'm working 2 jobs. I have so much less time to write now but I promise to update as often as I can. It'll just take some time. Thank you guys for your comments and support. Here you go! :D

Crestwood had been horrible. No, that wasn’t the right word for it. It had been one disaster right after the other. The only thing on the agenda had been to meet up with Hawke but it soon turned into investigating Old Crestwood, recovering bodies of the dead, clearing out a pack of wyvern, which then lead to encounter of a dragon on the return trip.

 

Bull had been ecstatic to say the least. _Please tell me we’re going to kill that, Boss._ And she had found she could not say no to his childlike enthusiasm much to her party’s dismay. She now was second-guessing her judgment as she rolled to dodge an incoming claw.

 

She felt another barrier fall over her. If it weren’t for Solas and Alec both she would have been dragon fodder a long time ago. She had lost track of how long they had been fighting. Judging by the ache beginning to form in her sword arm it was longer than she liked.

 

She was grateful she had brought her entire inner circle for this trip. If it had been her usual four it would be near impossible. This needed to end and soon. The dragon was badly injured. Sera and Varric had already taken out the use of its wings by peppering the thin skin with a barrage of arrows.

 

It didn’t mean it was any less deadly. Its claws and lightening strikes were enough to kill with one good blow. She looked over to see Bull hacking happily at its side. Blood and gore splattered all over him. He looked crazed but she knew that was just the Reaver training he had received and it suited him.

 

A plan was formulating in her head as she watched the giant Qunari. Something she had overheard on the road as he and Sera talked. He had suggested that he toss her and land behind enemy lines but what if…

 

“Bull!”

 

He dodged a swinging tail and made his way to her side. “Yeah, Boss?” He asked as he swung he axe again.

 

Think you can manage tossing me like you wanted to do Sera?” Another claw came swiping down and her shield missed.

 

She felt a shot of pain and warmth spread across her abdomen. “Fuck, fuck, fuck!”

 

“Lethallan!” She heard Solas yell. That struck her as odd. He had only ever called her da’len. When had he started considering her kin?

 

She stood to see Bull protecting her as struggled to keep consciousness from the blood loss.

 

“Bull, can you do it?”

 

“Damn, Boss. I thought you were dead. What do they make you Templars out of? Yeah I can do it.”

 

She grinned. “Dorian! I need a distraction! Keep that thing occupied will you?”

 

The Tevinter scoffed. “Why me?!”

 

“Because you’re the prettiest.”

 

“Flattery will get you everywhere. Right away, my dear.”

 

With that she began to run. It was much more challenging with her wound but she managed. Dorian had its attention, now was their chance. “Bull, now!”

 

She ran full speed at the Qunari. He held out his hands and she leapt into them as he sent her flying up and on top of the dragon. She found her balance easily even as it thrashed about from the pain her companions were causing it. She ran along its spine to the base of its skull.

 

She tossed her shield and took her sword in both hands and brought it up. Then with as much force as she could muster, she drove the sword down. She had known it had worked immediately. It had let out a dying and guttural cry and began to collapse.

 

“Shit!” She hadn’t thought of the fall. When she neared the ground she jumped and rolled so she wouldn’t be crushed.

 

She collapsed on her back at the same time a resounding thud resonated through the valley. She started to laugh. They had down it. They had actually brought down a dragon. Cullen would be furious but what a rush it had been. She could feel the adrenaline coursing through her as she lay there.

 

Pounding footsteps brought her back to her surroundings. Solas was the first to her side. Panic was clear in his face. He never panicked, never showed his fear.

 

“Relinas, ma falon.” His eyes shut and he began working. She felt the soothing healing magic wash over her and sighed.

 

“It’s just a scratch. I’ll be fine. Haminas, Solas.”

 

His eyes shot open and he gave her a stern look. “Lethallan, what were you thinking?! Performing that stunt when you were so badly injured?” His chastisement stung. She had been thinking of killing the dragon and be damned about the damage to herself.

 

“Ir abelas. It needed to end. I couldn’t let you or anyone else be hurt.”

 

His eyes softened. “Felasil.” He muttered as affectionately as was capable for him. She just smiled back at him. “You’re going to scar.”

 

She just shrugged. “At it to the list of the ones I already have. A few more won’t hurt.”

 

In all honesty though she hated them. They were hideous things that marked her body. There would be no hiding this one. Cullen would be repulsed, she knew. He wouldn’t say so but it would be there in his mind and that was enough to turn her head in shame.

 

“Hideous. So hideous. What it repulses him? Burning shame. Flaws inside and out. He’ll run if he sees.”

 

She flinched at the sudden voicing of her thoughts. “Cole. What did I say about that? Some things are private.”

 

The boy just cocked his head. “But you are hurting. You think he’ll turn you away if he sees but he won’t. Beautiful. Like the moon on a clear night. The only light in the darkness. Don’t deserve her. So perfect.”

 

“Cole! Stop reading Cullen, please.” Her face was flushed from hearing them. How could he think he didn’t deserve her? Did he really think of her that way?

 

“Yes.”

 

“Thank you, Cole.” She let out exasperatedly.

 

She winced as she stood but the pain was bearable. She would be able to ride but it would be uncomfortable at best. “Let’s get out of here shall we? We have a dragon slaying to celebrate once we get home. And I foresee dragon steaks in our future.”

 

Everyone cheered in equal excitement. They were ready to be home. And so was she. If what Cole said was true, Cullen was waiting for her.

 

* * *

 

 

He had heard the horns announcing the Inquisitor’s arrival. He had planned to meet her at the gate and whisk her away but his body had other plans. That had been over an hour ago and he was still in the same position. He couldn’t bring himself to move. Even the thought brought on more nausea. He grit his teeth at the knock at the door.

 

“Are you alright?”

 

Shae’s voice trailed into his office, closing the door behind her. Her face was scrunched in concern as he put his head back into his hands. His headache today was unbearable. Leave it for his body to worsen the day Shae arrived from Crestwood.

 

He cursed the lyrium and yet he longed for it. He hadn’t told her yet. He knew he should have by now. It was foolish to keep it from her after everything but just couldn’t find the words to tell her. He didn’t want to see the fear or disapproval on her face. It would be enough to make him give in.

 

“I’m fine. Just a headache, nothing more.”

 

**Liar.** It was more than a headache. His body was alight with pain. Agonizing pain at that. He could not imagine that she had managed this. It was torture. There was little to no relief. She had gone through this and closed the Breach and not complained about the pain once. At least not to him.

 

He was still sore that she had confided in the elf instead of him but he could understand. Solas had helped her more than he could ever dream of. He muted the pain as much as possible for her but he knew her body had still been wracked by the pain, nausea, and constant migraines. She was stronger than he could ever be. He didn’t know how much more he could take.

 

“Cullen, you are not fine. Cassandra told me you haven’t left you office all day and I’m glad she did.”

 

She had moved to lean on the desk in front of him. Close enough to touch if he wanted but enough room to give him space if he needed it. She knew him well. He could feel the hesitation rolling off of her, like she was fighting whether or not she was allowed to touch him when he was like this.

 

He reached out and grabbed her hips and pulled her closer, resting his head in her stomach. She tensed for a moment but then exhaled loudly and began running her fingers through her hair. He groaned at the feeling of her fingers as they scraped his scalp. It felt like heaven. Her fingers were still chilled from the mountain air and the sensation on his overheated skin was enough to melt him into a puddle.

 

He relaxed visibly and felt her chuckle as nuzzled into her waist.

 

“That feels good I take it?”

 

“Amazing. How did you know?”

 

Her fingers stilled momentarily before resuming. When she spoke her voice was barely a whisper. “Because when I had withdrawals this was all I wanted. When Solas would notice my headache, he would cool his hands and massage my scalp and temples for me. It was a blessing. I figured it might work for you.”

 

His grip tightened on her waist as she spoke. She hissed but didn’t stop. Did she know or she merely guessed? If she had then she had decided to let the subject drop. Maybe he was being paranoid but he couldn’t help but think that she knew.

 

“Shae…”

 

“Shush and let me help you, you stubborn man.” She replied affectionately.

 

He surrendered with a grumble and allowed her slender fingers to work their magic. He could already feel the pain ebbing. He see straight for the first time in hours and it was all he could do not to cry out in joy.

 

He felt her lips brush the top of his head. She had a small smile on her face when he lifted his eyes to hers. The room wasn’t spinning anymore so he dared to lift his head further and was relieved to find that his ache was all but gone.

 

He returned her smile and lifted his palm to cup her cheek. “Thank you.”

 

She leaned down and kissed him gently as her hands trailed from his head to the nape of his neck.

 

“You’re welcome.” She mumbled against his lips as he pulled her into his lap.

 

“Someone could walk in-“

 

“I don’t care.”

 

And he didn’t. She’d been gone for a month and he had missed her desperately. He felt better and all he wanted to do was enjoy her. To rediscover her lips, her sighs, her moans. To uncover territory still undiscovered.

 

She broke the kiss first, breathing heavily. She rolled her hips against his and it was all he could do not to take her right there.

 

“If you keep doing that I will have no choice but to take you against the desk.” He murmured against her neck as his lips ghosted across her smooth, pale skin.

 

“And maybe I’ll let you…” she whispered as she nipped his ear. His grip tightened all but ready to shed the tantalizing and revealing armor she wore. “…but not now. We have a meeting to get to.”

 

He cursed under his breath and felt her laugh at his expense.

 

“Andraste preserve me, but you are a tease.” He pouted as she untangled herself from his grip and walked to the door.

 

“Is that a problem, Commander?” she smirked over her shoulder.

 

He rose from his chair and joined her in the doorway, grabbing her by the waist and pulling her backwards into him.

 

“No.” He ground into the back of her, pushing himself against her. Her hands moved back to the nape of his neck and pulled his mouth to her neck. He allowed it and began an agonizingly slow trail of kisses up her neck to her sensitive ears. He ran his tongue along the lip of it as he felt her grind herself back into him. She moaned loudly at the sensation.

 

And as soon as he had started, he stopped and backed away. She turned around, her pupils blown wide and a look of surprise on her face.

 

He just gave her a smug smirk before walking past her. But not before whispering, “But you’re not the only one who can tease.”

 

He heard her frustrated growl as she followed him to the war room and it took everything in him not to laugh. But he couldn’t help the satisfied grin that formed at his success.

 

****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it kind of advanced the plot a bit but mostly fluff. *shrugs* Also this is my first time trying to write Cole so bear with me. I would appreciate input there considering I'd like to use him more in the future. Hope you enjoy! :D
> 
> Elven translations:
> 
> Relinas, ma falon- You bleed, my friend  
> Haminas, Solas- Relax, Solas  
> Ir abelas- I am sorry  
> Lethallan- Casual reference used for someone with whom one is familiar. akin to "cousin" or "clansman" since "lin" is the word for blood  
> Felasil- fool, idiot, lit. slow mind
> 
> Elvhen credit to fenxshiral and their wonderful Project Elvhen!


	28. I'll Try

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my gosh you guys. I am so sorry for disappearing like that! I hate when authors do that. But I've had 5 subjects crammed into my head over the past month, along with my laptop breaking and losing everything I had ever written or planned out for this story with it. So I know it's probably inadequate and it does not advance the plot whatsoever but here's the next chapter. I just hope it's enough and up to par until I can rework everything and get back to where I was going with this. 
> 
> Ir abelas.

“No, absolutely not!”

“But Inquisitor, they will be here before Halamshiral. We must prepare to welcome them and get them suitable quarters, along with invitations. Your family is very prominent in the Free Marches, we cannot turn them away.” Josephine reasoned.

Shae shook with years of anger and resentment. She was doing her best not to take it out on Josie. It was not the ambassadors fault she had daddy issues. Still, it was becoming more difficult with every passing minute they discussed their imminent arrival.

“I hear that Blackwall doesn’t mind company. Why can’t we just house them there? It’s more than they deserve regardless.” She winced as she bent over the war table. The dragon had taken its toll on her. Solas had healed her as much as he could but it was not enough to take away the pain. Between the hard riding home and the hours of arguing and debating, she was at her limit.

Cullen had not missed it either. His face was nothing but concern. Are you okay? He mouthed. I’m fine. She replied back. Liar was the response she got back.

And she was. She hadn’t told him of course. She had planned to, but when she walked in to see him in full withdrawal she held it back. His pain was more important than an almost healed wound.

She knew the signs and symptoms well. He hadn’t told her, had lied to her, but she couldn’t even be angry at him for keeping it to himself until he was ready. She had done the same, it would be hypocritical to do otherwise.

Josephine gasped. “Inquisitor, please see sense. I cannot put three prominent nobles with the horses. It would ruin us.”

“It will- wait did you say three? Who else is with Finley and Bann Trevelyan?”

“I am uncertain. I only received correspondence this morning that they had picked up another member in Ferelden. Their identity has yet to be disclosed.” Leliana interjected. “Fear not, I will have it by the end of the night.”

“Of that I have no doubt. Now if that is all? I need to consult with Solas before bed.”

“I believe that is all the pressing issues. The rest can wait. Goodnight, Inquisitor.” Josephine made a note on her board as she left, followed closely by Leliana.

Cullen lingered. He watched her closely as she rose from her bent position. She must not have masked her face well enough because he was at her side in seconds.

She averted her gaze from his, trying to hide from his concern. “You’re injured.”

She blew air out through her nose. “It’s not that bad. Damn dragon was quicker than I was.”

“Dragon?! Why in Maker’s name were you fighting a dragon?”

He raised voice made her flinch but she found it in her to meet his gaze. He was not happy but not like she had thought he’d be. There was more worry in his voice than anger.  

“Because it was threatening the townspeople. I couldn’t leave knowing it was still alive. What if I had left it alive and it had destroyed the town?” She crossed her arms as if to make her point. Then lowered her gaze and let her shoulders slump. “They had been through enough. The Blight took too much from them. It was the least I could do to give them some peace.”

He sighed and cupped her cheek. His expression softened. “I understand. Your ability to still care so much after all you’ve been through astounds me. But you can’t save everyone, Shae.”

“No, but I can try.” She replied stubbornly.

He chuckled softly as he pulled her into a warm embrace. “Of course you will. Of that I have no doubt.”

He pulled back. “You care for him don’t you?”

Shae scrunched her eyebrows. “What are you talking about?”

“Solas. You care for him.” It wasn’t a question this time.

“I care about everyone we recruited Cullen.” She didn’t understand where this was coming from.

He huffed. “I know that. But he’s different. You trust him, and confide in him. He’s the first one you go to for anything. I’ve seen the way he looks at you. I can tell he feels the same if not more.”

“That’s not tr-”

He raised his hand. “Let me finish. I’m not angry at him. I’m grateful for all he’s done for me. For you. He needs you and you need him. Just know this, if harms you-”

“Cullen.” The firmness in her voice stopped his sentence. “He’s my best friend. He could never hurt me.”

He looked like he disagreed but let the subject drop. “Go on, he’s waiting I’m sure. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

She rose up and kissed him. “Thank you.”

* * *

 

She strolled into Solas’ rotunda a short time later. It was late she knew, but he would still be up, bent over some scroll or tome. And sure enough there he was, his forehead crinkled in concentration as he took notes on whatever he was looking at.

“Savhalla, lethallan.” He spoke without looking up. There that word was again.

“How did you know it was me?” Shae asked as she made her way towards his makeshift desk.

The corner of his mouth twitched just enough to give away his amusement as she sat herself on the edge of the table to wait. “Elven hearing is better than most.”

She rolled her eyes. “I know that. I meant how did you know it was me? All you heard were footsteps.”

His gaze settled on the mark before continuing his writing. “The Anchor gives off a distinct magic. I could find you anywhere if I wanted.”

That was a little disturbing but she brushed it off. There was something she had been wanting to ask since the dragon fight but only now did she have the opportunity. “When did or what did I do become lethallan, Solas?”

He looked up then. The intensity of his stare was enough to give her pause. Maybe what Cullen had mentioned earlier was right. Maybe he considered her more. And as soon as it was there, the look was gone and replaced with the same look he always gave her. Great, now she was seeing things.

“It was not one thing but a collection of all you’ve done. Not only for me but those around you. I sense something more in you Shaelan, you are unique. You were a Templar but do not act as such. Instead of distrust you’ve only shown me kindness and friendship, something I have not experienced in many years. You’ve shown me that there is still hope in this world. That is why I call you lethallan.”

She was speechless. Never had someone thought so highly of her. Well perhaps Cullen but this was different. This was something she has never experienced. True respect and friendship from outside of her family.

“Ma serranas, Solas. I am honored.” It felt inadequate in comparison but Solas smiled anyway.

“Now I assume your original intent was to have me look over your wound, was it not?”

And back to business. She couldn’t help but grin at the quick change. “Yes. It started hurting again in the war council. It’s not anywhere near the worst I’ve ever had but it isn’t exactly comfortable either.”

He motioned to sofa and she made her way over and lay down. She stripped off her shirt. She had long since gotten over being half naked in front of her elven friend. He’d had to heal her more times than she could count and had seen more of her than man ever had. The familiar wave of healing magic washed over her and she sighed in relief as she felt the sting dissipate.

She heard a wolf whistle from above. She felt Solas tense but he continued with his work. His hands slowly moving across her abdomen.

“I must say Alec, you’re taking it quite well seeing as your sister is being worked over half naked.” Dorian shouted from above.

She snickered as she watched her brother hide his eyes in embarrassment. She couldn’t miss the small smile that crept its way across his face though. It was good to see. She hadn’t seen it in too long and he deserved to be happy. If Dorian was the person that made that happen, well that only made her love the Tevinter more.

“This is nothing. We usually frolic naked by the moonlight. Isn’t that right, Solas?”

Said person’s face and ears were flushed as red as she had ever seen them before. She felt wrong for toying with him but then again he knew it was all in good fun and was always a good sport.

“Only on a full moon, lethallan.” He winked. Now it was her turn to blush and Dorian was having saying I told you so to anyone who would listen.

“I told you the elves did that!” He exclaimed to Alec who just rolled his eyes. “But my dear it doesn’t explain why you were there.”

“Didn’t you know? Solas and I are madly in love! He’s let me in on all the elven secrets.”

Solas sputtered at her quip and the waves of magic stopped. “Lethallan! Banal.”

She stuck out her tongue at his stern expression. “Spoilsport. Alright you two, show’s over. Move along.”

She got a mischievous grin from Dorian and a small grin from her brother. That was a lot of progress compared to being yelled at lakeside in Haven. She needed find Dorian at the earliest and hug him.

She threw her shirt back over her head and stood. She felt good. Great even. She had three gash marks to show for her trouble but the pain from the wound had all but disappeared.

“Amazing. What would I do without you, my friend?” She spoke in wonder as she ran her fingers over the smooth scars.

“Be dead many times over.” A sad look crossed his face. “Can we try to stop making this a regular occurrence, Shaelan?”

“I can make no promises while there is a darkspawn magister trying to destroy the world and this damn mark to deal with.” She paused as she noticed guilt and grief pass over his face before he smoothed his face to neutral mask. She put on a small smile and placed her left palm to his cheek. The Anchor flared at the contact.

He stared at her then. And as convincing as she could, “But for you, I’ll try.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the ending may or may not be a nod to what will happen at the end of Trespasser (which I only just got to play and finish). I'm having all the feels after playing through with my romanced Lavellan. I am not ashamed to admit that I cried like a baby. I won't ruin it for anyone who hasn't played it yet but Andraste preserve me, it should be illegal to be this heartbroken over a video game.
> 
> With that said, I hope to be back to a more regular schedule posting wise now. School has slowed down some which means more time for plot twists and such. Who's the mystery Fereldan I wonder? ;) There's also very good reasons for all the elven I promise. We'll get to it :D
> 
> Elven translations:  
> Savhalla- Salutations / Hello || Used with: Anyone, Informal  
> lethallan- Clan mate. An endearment for either clan mates or friends who are so close to you, that they are like family. Literally: Kin blood.  
> Ma serranas- thank you  
> Banal- nothing, not, no (in this case I went with no)


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the length between chapters guys. This might be the new norm but we will see. The good news I passed all my classes the first quarter with As and now get to move on in the program. Yay! Now, to our two dorks :)

He rose with the dawn. The hues of pinks and blues showing over the snow covered mountains. He always woke around this time, if not sooner. The nightmares were growing worse as time went on. He would stay up late completing paperwork until his body could take no more, fall into his bed, and wake covered in sweat hours later.

It was a routine he had accustomed himself to enduring. It would be worth it in the end. Now that he knew that this could be done, that breaking the chains of lyrium was possible, he was more determined than ever. Shae had done more than she could ever know. She had been the first known to be released from the substance without death or losing her mind.

She was an inspiration not only to him but the also the few Templars in the Inquisition’s ranks. Not that she’d want to hear it. She was uncomfortable enough as it was being appointed Inquisitor. She hadn’t voiced her unease, but he knew. Knew, by the way, she carried herself throughout the hold, knew when she tried and failed to hide her uneasiness at being thrown to the lords and ladies of Orlais.

The only time she was truly at peace was when she had a sword in her hand. Which is where Cullen found her soon after dressing and walking towards the keep. He didn’t approach her as she moved through all too familiar exercises. She was graceful and sure in the ring. He had never seen a more gifted warrior. Shae had even surpassed him as the best in Kinloch soon after her arrival.

He leaned against the walls of the walkway as she continued, perfectly comfortable with watching her for a while longer.

But as fate would have it… “Ah, Commander. Fancy meeting you here.”

He stifled his sigh as the man approached. And he was having such a peaceful morning.

“Dorian.” Maybe if he kept his replies short the man would take the hint.

Another figure was approaching the ring. Tall, dark haired, and a mage staff strapped to his back. Alec. He watched intently as he moved into the ring, ready to move if necessary. The siblings reunion had been anything but warm and the way the mage felt about Templars…

“I don’t believe that’ll be necessary, Commander,” Dorian spoke as he joined Cullen casually against the wall. He had not even realized he had gone for his sword.

“How can you be so sure? The man wanted nothing to do with her when he arrived. If he harms her…”

“So protective, Commander. And Shae is quite capable of taking care of herself as you well know. But like I said, it will not be necessary. Look for yourself.” Dorian said smugly.

He did and what he saw shocked him as well as warmed his heart. Alec had Shae wrapped in a bear hug. He could see her bright smile all the way from her and her laugh echoed through the empty courtyard. He had not seen her so happy in a long while.

“Beautiful sight is it not?” The Tevinter smiled at him knowingly.

“Yes.” She is. He finished in his head. “Is this reunion you’re doing?”

“Oh, I can’t take all the credit. Alec has been wanting to reconcile for a while now. I just gave him a push.” Cullen didn’t fail to note the affection in Dorian’s voice as he spoke of Alec. That was an interesting development.

“I don’t know who wants to kiss you more right now, Shae or me.”

“By all means Commander Cullen, show me your appreciation.” The mage waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

He flushed a bright red. “I just mean thank you. This means a great deal to her.”

Dorian just smirked as they watched the reunion unfold. It was interrupted all too soon by a messenger delivering news from Emprise du Lion.

“That is not a pleasant face, my friend.”

He was scowling. He knew it. The news had darkened his mood considerably. “We captured some Red Templars a few days ago. They finally gave up their main base of operations, a town named Sahrnia in the Dales. They’ve destroyed the town and taken most of the townsfolk to the mine. None has been seen since.”

He looked up and saw Shae and Alec walking arm and arm. Her head rested on his shoulder as they strolled to the main hall. A mage and a Templar as siblings. It was hard to imagine it. It was even harder to imagine the two apart. It was like nothing had ever happened. Despite the war and the prejudices, she had never seen them more than people. A line of thought he had lost for years after Ferelden. It was enough to see her so happy again.

“I can’t tell her. Not now.” Not when she and Alec were finally getting along. The least he could do was let them have the day to themselves no matter how much he chomping at the bit to get the team in there and destroy Samson’s main line of lyrium. For her, he could wait. He had waited and would do so again. He would give her the day happily.

“You have to. She’ll be angrier if you keep something that big from her. She’s not just your lady love, she’s the Inquisitor.” Dorian rose from his resting position and walked away, leaving him alone on the walkway.

Dorian was right. He could not give her a day, but a few hours more could not hurt.

* * *

 

Shae’s laughter echoed around her chambers as she and Alec lounged in the two armchairs in front of her fire. They had lost so much time. It felt good to just relax and catch up. Sure they had been together since she had left Kinloch but that did not mean they were allowed to interact with one another.

It was a rare occurrence when siblings ended up in the same Circle, let alone one so close to their home. She had a feeling her father’s pull in the Chantry had something to do with it. For reasons beyond her knowing they shipped her home after the tower had fallen. They could have sent her anywhere else, like Cullen. She would credit that to her father if they were on good terms, but that had never been the truth.

“I know that face. Stop troubling yourself over him, sis.” Alec was watching her intently as he sipped his tea.

“I wouldn’t have to had you not invited him here to begin with,” She grumbled half-heartedly as she got up and started pacing in front of the mantle.

He sighed deeply before he spoke. She could tell he was doing his best to maintain his patience with her. He didn’t know what had happened after he left. How could he? He just thought their father indifferent to her and that eventually he would come around. How wrong he was.

“I know, but he’s my father too. Don’t I deserve a chance to see him after all I’ve been through? I’ve not seen him since I was nine years old.” He muttered.

She fought back her hateful comments. It only hurt him. She was not going to drive him away again over something beyond his control. She clenched her fists a few times before leaning against the mantle.

“You do deserve it. More than anyone. Just...don’t expect a warm family reunion. A lot happened after you left. It got so much worse…” She rubbed the old scar and trailed off lost in a memory from the past.

_Mahanon frantically trying to stop the bleeding as he whispered broken elvish to her. She screamed in pain as he turned her onto her side. She could see her blood pooling underneath her from this position. Reed was calm though she could see the fear in his eyes as he watched her and held her hand. She cried out again as Mahanon did something to her wound._

__

_“Shush, da’mi. I know it hurts. Just a little longer.” He reassured her as he returned to her wound._

__

_She whimpered at the sting but bit the inside of her mouth to keep from crying out again._

__

_“Is she going to be okay?” Reed spoke quietly as he took a wet rag to her face. He wiped the sweat and dirt off gently as if he were afraid to break her._

__

_“She will live. The blade cut deep, but it missed anything vital. She’ll bear the scar her entire life.” His voice was so soft and sad._

__

_“She’ll wear it proudly.” Her brother gave her a small, encouraging smile. “She’s a fighter.”_

__

_The elf was silent as he wrapped the bandage around her and laid her back on her back cautiously. “Your sister needs rest master Reed. I’m going to give a draft for the pain. You should go before your father misses you.”_

__

_“But-”_

__

_“I’ll let you know if anything changes. I won’t leave her side, I promise. Now go.”_

__

_Reed hesitated before nodding. He gave her hand a small squeeze before exiting the room. Mahanon fished a small vial from his pocket and helped her sit. “Open, Panowën.”_

__

_She scrunches up her nose at the taste, but she soon feels the liquid taking its effect. She is in a state of half-awareness when she hears Mahanon whispering to her. He’s taken her hand without her realizing it. She tries to fight the sleep to hear what he is saying, but it is for naught._

__

_She catches one sentence before she passed out. “Ar lath ma, da’vhenan.”_

__

“Shaelan?”

She jumps at the sound of Alec’s voice. How long had she been standing there lost in the past?

“It’s nothing. I’m happy if this makes you happy. I will not spoil this for you.” She smiled weakly at him.

He gave her a knowing look but let it pass. She was grateful until his lip curled up into a mischievous smile. “So, you and the Commander?”

She felt her cheeks burning. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

He just laughed. “Oh don’t lie to me. You two are the worst kept secret in Skyhold. I’m happy for you. Even if he is a Templar.”

“Ex-Templar. And thank you. We’ve been through a lot together. He makes me happy.”

“You make me happy as well.”

Alec and Shae both jumped at the voice from the stairwell. She hadn’t even heard Cullen enter. How he managed to sneak up the stairs in full armor was beyond her.

“Eavesdropping were we?” She smirked.

“No!” He answered too quickly. “No, I was just...there’s been news that you need to see.”

She snorted as he stumbled over his words. “Yes, Commander.”

He blushed at the use of his title. She gave Alec a hug before sending him away. “Give Dorian my love!”

“I plan on it!” His voice echoed from the stairwell. She burst into another fit of laughter as the door finally closed.

Cullen chuckled along with her before making his way over to her. He took her into his arms and placed a small kiss on the top of her head. “I take it you two are much better?”

She nodded into his chest, taking in the scent of musk and a hint of cinnamon from his morning meal.

She let go and walked over to her desk, where she leaned casually. “So what news do I need to hear?”

He hesitated. It was never good when he hesitated. “We got information out of the Red Templars we captured a few days ago. We’ve located Samson’s main supply of lyrium mining.”

“And you aren’t jumping for joy why?” She questioned suspiciously.

“Apparently they’ve destroyed the town and taken most of the able-bodied townsfolk with the for labor. They haven’t been seen since.”

“Shit.” She stood and started looking around the room for her gear. This needed to be taken care of immediately. “Shit, shit, shit.”

“Shae, slow down. At least wait until the morning.” Cullen suggested as he tried to stop her from moving about the room.

She huffed as she moved past him, gathering up her armor. “When did we find out this information?”

He paused again. “This morning.”

She whirled on him. “This morning?! And you are only just now telling me?!”

“I saw you and Alec this morning. I wanted to give you a few hours peace with your brother!”

She growled and ran her hand down her face. “I appreciate it, Cullen, I do. But those people need my help. They may not have had the few hours to spare! I don’t have the luxury of peace.”

She gathered up the last of her gear before turning to him. He looked guilty and hurt. She turned to the door. “Where?”

“Sahrnia.”

She nodded and made to go for the door but was stopped by Cullen’s arms wrapping around her waist. She sighed and leaned into the embrace.

“I’m sorry.” He murmured quietly in her ear. “You just seemed so happy, I wanted to give you more of that.”

“Never do that again,” She warned. “Especially with this type of information. I’m the Inquisitor, I need to know these things if I’m to be of any use. Promise me.”

He spun her around and placed a gentle kiss on her lips. “I know.” And then he kissed her again, this time deeper and more passionate than the one before. She was out of breath when he finally broke it. He cupped her face in his hands and brought his forehead to meet hers. His golden eyes met hers and she could see the sincerity of his feelings there. “I promise.”

She placed one more kissed on his scarred lip before breaking away.

 

“Be safe,” Cullen said. “Promise me.”

She gave him a small smile. “I promise.”

****  
  


   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aw, their first argument. Although it was a baby one that was easily forgiven. 
> 
> The flashback will have much significance down the road and many hints for later. I didn't just put it in there for fun. Although it was fun to try and picture a younger Shae. I hope you guys remember Mahanon but if not that's okay. He was briefly mentioned in chapter 26. He was servant in the Trevelyan household at the time this happened.
> 
> Penny for your thoughts? :)
> 
> Elven translations via the wonderful FenxShiral:
> 
> Da’mi / Da’mis : little blade. An endearment used, usually for hunters or warriors
> 
> Panowën- An elven name. "She who emerges ready to fight well." Lit. "Fight good emerge." Possibly a name given to those who give their mothers a hard time during birth, or those whose mothers die in a violent or complicated birth.
> 
> Ar lath ma, da’vhenan- I love you, little heart


	30. Endure

Sahrnia had been all but leveled when they arrived. Only a few buildings still stood and even those were precarious. After talking with Mistress Poulin, who had willingly given her people to the Red Templars, they set off immediately. There was no more time to waste. The miners had been gone for weeks. They were running out of time if they hadn’t already.

 

Snow and red lyrium were everywhere. If not for Dagna’s ingenious ruins that kept them heated they would have been frozen the moment they stepped foot into Emprise du Lion. The red lyrium was another story, however.

 

It sang to her. Sang the sweetest, strangest song. Shae did her best to block it out, but the cursed mineral was everywhere they traveled. The farther they marched, the larger the amount of it grew. Even with the lyrium out of her system she was still struggling. It still tugged at her like a small child in a sweet shop. The temptation to give in was almost too much.

 

 

Alec was her only anchor. He noticed she was struggling and was doing his best to keep her distracted. She loved him for that. He had become a part of the inner circle quicker and easier than she had imagined. He fit into their little band of misfits, filling in a hole they did not even know they were missing. And she was forever grateful when she looked over and saw him walking beside her. They were inseparable ever since their reconciliation. Well, except when Cullen and Dorian came looking for them. Even then it was hard to separate the two.

 

 

It was like they were children again. She had her best friend back. The only person besides Cullen who truly understood who she was.

 

It took hours to clear out the nests of templars along the mountains. They freed missing miners as they went. For some though they were too late. Their bodies were scattered here and there with spikes of vibrant red growing from them.

 

 

They stopped to take a brief break before heading to Suledin Keep to end Samson’s force there once and for all. She knew she was driving them hard, but they had the element of surprise on their side and every second they wasted was a chance the enemy had to prepare.

 

 

She was checking over her weapons when Dorian finally spoke up. “Mountains. Cold. Let’s bring Dorian she says!”

 

 

She and Alec burst with laughter bringing a scowl to the Tevinter’s scowl. He was having a rougher time than the rest of them. He was used to a much warmer climate and this had to be a living hell for him.

 

“What’s the matter? Frozen mustache?” She quipped.

 

 

She heard Alec snicker. “Among other things I imagine. I can take care of that easily, amatus.”

 

A ball of flame sparked in his hand. A glint of mischievousness sparked in his steel eyes as he watched the panic in Dorian’s. “Alec, don’t you dare.”

 

She tried to stifle her giggle as her brother ran after Dorian, who was cursing loudly in Tevene.

 

 

“Vishante kaffas! Be careful, you’re going to singe my mustache!”

 

“Good!” Alec shouted from behind him, closing the distance between the two.

 

“Marcher heathen!”

 

At the moment, Alec had caught him and tackled him to the ground. He straddled him and smirked as Dorian struggled to get free. Alec brought the flame closer as he leaned in. He was inches from Dorian’s face when the flame was extinguished. Alec grinned broadly and bent down and placed a large kiss on his relieved lover.

 

 

“Amatus, I would never burn your mustache. You are much too handsome. I would not harm a whisker on your head.” Alec murmured tenderly as he pecked him on the lips.

 

Dorian blushed. Actually blushed. A rare occurrence. Her heart swelled at the sight. They deserved each other. Both had been through so much. To see them so happy almost made her weep with joy. Almost.

 

 

 

She cleared her throat. “If you two are quite done?”

 

 

They both started and scrambled to their feet. Clearing their throats and muttering yes, a handsome shade of red tinting both of their faces. She smiled and pushed them forward. The keep was in sight and there wasn’t a trace of resistance. It felt easy, too easy.

 

 

“Watch yourselves, something feels off.” Bull whispered.

 

 

They gripped their weapons tighter and walked into the fortress.

 

 

* * *

 

 

They had fought very few templars so far and passed dead, lyrium infected giants locked behind cages. She hadn’t thought that could be any more disturbing. She was wrong. A roar in the distance shook her to her core. They had succeeded. They had actually succeeded in infecting a giant.

 

They took another flight of steps down further into the keep and there it was surrounded by a group of warriors and archers and a Templar shadow.

 

 

“Dorian, Alec take out the archers.” She gave them no room to protest as she and Bull charged into the fray. Barriers swept over her as she took down her first mark. The archers went down just as quickly. The shadow had disappeared from view as she and Bull took out the final warriors.

 

Now all that was left was the--

 

 

“Bull! Duck!”

 

 

Faster than she had ever seen the Qunari move he dodged the thrown rock. It was the size of a carriage and would have been instant death. “Distract it, Bull! I’m going to try and flank it!”

 

 

 

Bull let out a roar and charged the beast, his great ax raised in his war cry.

 

 

With the giant’s full attention on the bloodthirsty Qunari, she circled around its backside. She sheathed her sword in favor of her new twin daggers. They were wickedly sharp. They would need to be to achieve what she was getting ready to do.

 

 

Spells of fire and ice joined into the fray, further holding the giants attention. She took a deep breath and ran forward. She extended each arm as she ran, heading in between the giant’s legs where she embedded to sharp blades into weak points behind its knees. The great roar followed by a loud thump told her she was successful.

 

 

 

She smirked as she spun and jumped at the now crippled foe. But she may as well have not bothered. Bull had finished almost taken the things head off as soon as it was vulnerable and on his level. She returned her daggers to their spot and high-fived Bull.

 

 

“Boss, have I ever told you I enjoy killing big shit with you? You’re the best.”

 

 

She snorted. “That’s what I’m here for Bull. To attract the “big shit” for you to kill.”

 

 

Alec and Dorian were walking ahead of them when Alec turned around and started walking backward. His grin was undeniable. “You can’t deny that it happens much too often. You’re a walking disaster magnet.”

 

 

Shae scoffed. “Oh come on. I only survived an explosion, an avalanche, a dragon…”

 

 

 

“Don’t forget the evil darkspawn magister, Boss.”

 

 

“Right. How could forget that?” Alec quirked an eyebrow at her.

 

 

“Okay, okay. I see your point. Walking disaster magnet.”

 

 

He laughed. “Did you ever imagine this is how we would end up when we were little? I mean even as kids we couldn’t make this up.”

 

 

“Technically we imagined part of it. Archdemon remember?” “Oh, Isseya. How could I forget? Using sticks as griffons. Flying around the estate battling darkspawn.”

 

 

She rolled her eyes at the memory. “If by battling darkspawn you mean terrorizing Finley then yes. I remember very well.”

 

 

They were both cackling in shared memories when the shadow reappeared directly behind Alec. He was walking backward still and was completely unaware.

 

 

Fear struck her and she started to run. “Alec! Look out!”

 

 

She wasn’t going to make it. She knew she wasn’t, but she tried anyway. Tried still as she watched the blur hit its mark and drove red lyrium through her brother’s chest. Watched as his smile faded and shock took its place.

 

 

He looked down and stared back up at her. No, this was not happening. She was going to wake up soon. She was still in the Fade and the demon was messing with her dreams again. That had to be it.

 

 

When she made it to Alec’s side she knew that wasn’t true. If this were a demon’s ploy he would have disappeared by now. Instead, he was bleeding heavily in her arms, gasping as he tried to catch his breath.

 

 

“Dorian! Help me!” The Tevinter rushed to her side and frantically began to work over him.

 

 

He was no healer, she knew that. But he was all they had. She had given Solas a break and left him at Skyhold, a decision she wished she could change at this moment.

 

 

Alec coughed and blood covered his lips. She had seen that more times than she could count in battles. Death was coming for him and she could not allow that to happen. She worked frantically trying to stop the bleeding with whatever they had. She used cloth after cloth and each time blood soaked through each one.

 

 

“Alec! Stay with me. Dorian, please! I can’t lose him too…” She held tried to hold pressure to the wound as Dorian pushed more and more healing magic into his lover. His eyes were wide with panic as he pushed more mana into the wound. She felt the mana coursing around her. There was so much. He was giving every bit he could grasp, but soon he would run out. He didn’t have the skill or the energy to keep going for much longer.

 

 

 

Blood still gushed from the wound and seeped into her armor and gloves as she could do nothing but watch as Alec began to pale. Dorian was cursing at the strain he was putting his body through. Shae shivered as the Tevinter popped open a lyrium bottle and downed it. She knew then that if this much magic had not started the healing process, then he was dead the moment he was struck.

 

 

“A-amatus.” Alec coughed. “It’s done. There’s nothing more you can do for me. I’m dead already. You’re going to kill yourself if you keep going.”

 

 

Tears streaked down Dorian’s eyes as her brother touched his cheek, leaving a trail blood in its place. “I will not stop you stubborn fool.”

 

 

He placed a kiss on Alec’s mouth and kept casting. Steel colored eyes met hers. They stood out against his now pale skin. He gave a weak tug to her braid. She stifled a sob. He used to pull her braids so hard when they were younger. She’d take all that discomfort back if he could do that again.

 

 

 

Dorian finally collapsed from exhaustion. His mana was dangerously low, but he would recover with rest. And in time he may get over the guilt and the heartbreak but she never could. Those two things would haunt her for the rest of her life.

 

 

Alec’s breathing grew labored with every passing second. His suffering would be over soon, but hers would just be beginning. “Don’t.”

 

 

She blinked in confusion at her brothers words.

 

 

“Don’t blame yourself.” He turned his head and gave his sweetheart one last look before turning back to her. “Take care of him for me. He deserves to be happy. So do you.”

 

 

 

She gripped his hand tightly. “I’ll take care of him. I swear. I love you, big brother.”

 

 

A sad smile reached his face before she saw the light leave his eyes. She screamed. Screamed his name. Cursed the Maker. What kind of god would allow this to happen? Reed and Alec were dead and it was all her fault. Alec had been right. She was a disaster magnet.

 

 

She could feel herself withdrawing into herself. Her heart hardened and her walls around it put back into place. She didn’t know how long she sat there, face blank and unaware of the world around her. She knew Bull must have taken care of the shadow or they all would have been dead. She wished he had let it kill her. It would be better than this.

 

 

“Boss.”

 

 

She didn’t answer. Couldn’t make herself care enough to. Alec’s hand began to grow cold in hers. All signs of life had left him and he had taken her heart with him.

 

 

A large hand touched her shoulder. “Boss. We can’t stay here. We’re sitting ducks. Eventually, the wrong kinds of people are going to come looking.”

 

 

She couldn’t leave him here. He was not going to being left in an old elven fortress. And there was the matter of Dorian as well. As if Bull had read her mind. “I’ll carry the Vint.”

 

 

She rose, taking Alec’s limp body in her arms. Suledin Keep. An apt name for what she had to do now.

 

 

Suledin. She thought as she began to trudge back to camp.

 

 

She clutched him to closer to her chest, but she found no comfort in the gesture. Her breath caught as she pushed her emotions back down.

 

 

Mala suledin nadas.

 

 

And now she must endure.

 

* * *

 

 

 

They had only been gone three weeks. That was barely enough time to get anything accomplished in such a large area. Something was wrong. _She’s dead. She’s left you for good this time._

 

 

A menacing voice from his dreams echoed in his head. “Maker, no.”

 

 

He gripped his head and dropped to his chair behind his desk.

 

 

“Ser? Commander Cullen?” The soldier who had been giving the report stepped forward.

 

 

 _Get yourself together, Rutherford. I’m fine._ Shae’s voice spoke in his head. He snorted because of course she said she was fine. Great, now he was starting to hear things. That was not a good sign. All he needed was a rumor to spread through his men that their commanding officer was losing it.

 

 

He put up a hand. “A headache. Nothing to worry about. Are any of them injured?”

 

 

That was the only thing that explained their return from Sahrnia. Andraste save him if she was hurt. It was his fault she was there in the first place.

 

 

“It’s unclear, Commander. All we know is that will be here within the day. They are moving at a fast pace.”

 

 

“Make sure to clear the courtyard for their arrival. Tell Solas his services may be needed and to come when he hears the return signal. Dismissed.”

 

 

“Yes, ser!” He saluted and was out the door.

 

 

He got up and began to pace anxiously around his office. Why had they not sent word ahead with what had happened? Why were they traveling so quickly?

 

 

He growled in frustration as the voice returned. _Because they failed her. They failed to defend her and the result was her laying in a pool of her own blood._

 

 

_The image of Shae bleeding out on the ground entered into his mind. She was convulsing as she grew pale. As if she sensed he was there, she turned her head to look at him. “This is your fault. I’m dying because of your obsession with Samson. I just wanted to make you happy.”_

 

 

_Her vibrant eyes faded and her body ceased to move. “No.”_

 

 

_He wanted to run to her. To shake her, beg her to wake but his body refused to move._

 

 

_This isn’t real. Wake up, Rutherford. Wake up!_

 

 

He gasped when he came to. He was grasping the edge of his desk so hard he had left indentions where his fingernails had been. Cold sweat dripped down his face. Seeing things that weren’t there now. Not a good sign. He would need to talk to Cassandra if this kept up. He could not perform his duty in this state.

 

 

How easy it would be to open the top drawer and take one sip. One drink of the cool blue liquid and all his pain would be gone. All his suffering forgotten. But then again a lot of things would be forgotten. He shouldn’t. He couldn’t. And for himself and Shae he wouldn’t.

 

 

“Broken. Like a shattered flask. So much pain. Why does everyone leave? All my fault. I should’ve protected him. Now I’m alone.”

 

 

He jumped at the voice. “Cole! What did we say about sneaking up on people?”

 

 

The boy tilted his head to the side. “She’s in pain. So much pain. It hurts. Won’t let anyone in. No one can touch him. My responsibility. I failed. They’re almost here.”

 

 

“How do you—”

 

 

The horn announcing the teams approach blew. He flew out of the door and down the flight of steps to the main gate.

 

 

He could see the horses and a wagon in the distance. Two riders were on a horse. He could see Bull’s horns and a drooping figure in front of him. Where were Alec and Shae?

 

 

Solas joined him then. His face etched with a serious expression he always seemed to wear and hands clasped behind his back. “Commander.”

 

 

“Solas.” He nodded curtly. The team flew into the yard at breakneck speed. There was movement everywhere as Bull unloaded everything and then threw Dorian over his shoulder. Cullen moved forward to help, but the Qunari stopped him with a wave.

 

 

 

 

“Mana’s depleted. I’m taking him up to the infirmary. Boss needs you more. Hasn’t slept or ate since we left Emprise.” He hesitated. “She’s bad off, Cullen. It’s Alec. Won’t let anyone near him or her.”

 

 

He didn’t need to hear more. He was to the back of the wagon before Bull could finish his sentence. Shae was curled into a ball beside the body. She looked haggard. Her hair was disheveled and dried blood still covered her. There was so much. He couldn’t imagine the pain she was in or had gone through.

 

 

Her face was completely devoid of all emotions. Solas joined him as they both pulled themselves into the back of the wagon.

 

 

“Shae.” His heart and voice broke as he watched her. She hadn’t even acknowledged their presence. At this point, he doubted she even could. Maker, she hadn’t slept or ate in at least four days.

 

 

 

He crept forward until he was right beside her and cautiously laid a hand on her shoulder.

 

 

She flinched away from the contact and he tried not to let his hurt show. “Don’t touch me! No one touch me.” Her voice trailed as she looked down at her brother. “This is my fault. I don’t deserve your comfort.”

 

 

Solas crept closer to Alec. Her eyes narrowed, but she said nothing as he mirrored Cullen’s movements on Alec. He hesitated and looked up at Shae. His stern expression gone and now he could see what she always saw from him. His care and concern for her were clear in the way he approached her.

 

 

“Ir abelas, lethallan. N’abelas mah’in. Would you allow me to move him somewhere safe?” He spoke softly.

 

 

Her face contorted as if pained, but she nodded her assent. Her eyes were wild with activity when her gaze finally landed on him. Recognition flashed there and her body soon relaxed.

 

 

“Cullen?”

 

 

He was at her side immediately, picking her up to his arms and cradling her to his chest. She felt so small as she clutched his furred cloak. She was muttering the same phrases over and over into his breastplate as he and Solas carried the siblings towards the keep.

 

 

“Ar avy isalal na. Tel’shiral.” Each mumble brought her grip tighter and tighter as they walked up the stairs.

 

 

“Shaelan I don’t speak elven. What are you saying?”

 

 

“I have been needing you. Don’t go.” Solas’ voice translated from behind him.

 

 

Cullen turned to see the worried crease in the mage’s brow before Shae’s hand on his cheek brought his attention back to her. “Tel’shiral. You’re all I have left.”

 

 

He turned his head and ghosted a kiss on her palm. “I’m not going anywhere. My heart is wherever you are. No power on this earth or beyond the Fade could keep me from you, remember?”

 

 

He felt her relax in his arms. Her breathing soon evened out as fell asleep peacefully in his arms. He had made it to her room now but was loathe to let her go. So he climbed carefully into her bed. She sighed contentedly as she curled closer into his chest.

 

 

Don’t go she had said. She didn’t even have to say it. He was so completely hers at that moment. Had been since Kinloch if he was honest. He had just been too blind to see it until now.

 

 

_I love you. You will never be alone again. I swear it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now my heart hurts...
> 
>  
> 
> Elven translations-
> 
> Ir abelas- I'm sorry
> 
> lethallan- An endearment for either clan mates or friends who are so close to you, that they are like family. 
> 
> N’abelas mah’in- Your sorrow is mine
> 
> Ar avy isalal na.- I have been needing you
> 
> Tel'shiral- Don't go
> 
>  
> 
> On Temporary Hiatus; Will be back December 18th when classes end for break :D


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two weeks have passed since Alec's death. Time to get back to business.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. Long time, no post. I completely lost motivation and inspiration to write for a while. I just didn't want to post something that felt forced. This story and you all deserve better than that. I've found some inspiration lately and wrote when it did. And now I finally have a complete chapter. Hope it doesn't feel too disjointed since different parts were written times. Sorry for disappearing for so long. I'll try not to let it happen again!

Her peaceful sleep did not last long. Cullen was somewhere between the Fade and the waking world when he felt her start to twitch. It wasn’t much, just a constriction of the muscles of her body as she dreamt. It was only when she began to do so over and over did he start to become worried. 

 

Her face was scrunched in pain as she began to fight whatever her mind had conjured. Her hands curled to form fists as she jerked away from his arms.

 

“Alec!”

 

She shot up, her arms outstretched to whatever phantom she had been chasing. Her arms flew to her chest and she doubled over in a cry of agony. Cullen had his arms around her a moment later. 

 

Her cries were enough to break his heart into a thousand pieces. He had seen her fall apart before, had been the only one to see her fall apart because she allowed it, but this was different. That was from built up rage. This was nothing but pure grief. 

 

She had lost not one but both of her brothers within a short period of time. She hadn't shown a lot of grief for Reed but he had known she felt the loss. Alec was the catalyst that had finally pushed her over the edge. It was too much for even her to handle.

 

"Shae…what can I do?" He whispered as she shook violently in his arms. 

 

He felt her clutch his fur jacket and pull him closer. His breath caught as her lips ghosted over his. 

 

She broke the kiss a moment later and laid her head on his chest, her ear pressed to his heart. 

 

“You stayed, that’s enough,” She whispered.

 

* * *

 

 

Two weeks. It had been two weeks since Alec had died and every day she missed him more but she had a job to do. She could not shirk her duties forever. Halamshiral would be here in a few months time, her father and brother arriving soon. She needed to get herself together.

 

She looked at her reflection in the mirror. She had lost weight, although no due to the fact Cullen made sure she was provided meals. She tried to eat and sometimes she was even successful, but most times she found herself without an appetite.

 

As for Cullen, he had doted on her constantly, making sure she was taking care of herself (she usually wasn’t). The poor man had run himself ragged between her and the troops until he collapsed on her bed in an exhausted heap every night. They hadn’t slept apart since she returned and she found his presence a comfort… especially when she woke up from her nightmares.

 

Shae sighed heavily and walked out of the sanctuary of her room. It was time to get back to business.

 

* * *

 

 

She groaned after a long day back to her usual routine. After the war council, Josephine and Vivienne had all but kidnapped her and forced her to begin preparing for Halamshiral. She had been thrust into etiquette lessons because apparently choosing the wrong fork would insult half of Orlais. The finger she gave after she was reprimanded by Madame de Fer would apparently insult the other half.

 

She grits her teeth as she sat through the lessons. Vivienne tutting and correcting her posture whenever she slouched. Eventually, the Court Enchanter grew tired of correcting her and tied a sash under her breasts that limited her motions and forced her to sit in the proper position. Josephine spent the last half quizzing her on various nobles and how to identify them based on their style of mask. She failed miserably.

 

This she found was her own living hell. She was a warrior damn it! Why should she give a damn about any of this? She understood that the nobles support was important but this was just ridiculous. 

 

As homework, the pair gave her sketches to review and study so she would notice the subtleties between them. She huffed as she exited the Great Hall, papers in hand. She needed air before she lost her composure. It took everything in her not to snap at the duo. She felt guilty for even thinking of taking out her frustration on them. They were just trying to help in their own way. They wanted to make sure she was ready for the Great Game.

 

She eyed the sketches and notes with contempt. If this is what it took to make sure she didn’t let them down, she would do it. It was also a wonderful distraction. She realized she hadn’t thought of Alec the entire time she had been enduring the slow torture. She laughed with surprise. Apparently nobles were good for something after all.

 

* * *

 

Cullen found her near the stables a couple of hours later. She had taken shelter under a half buried horse statue and set to work. Papers were strung all over the place as she went from one to another. She heard the clink of his armor and his heavy gait long before he said anything. She felt a small smile begin to form on her face at his approach. Apparently then man could find her anywhere.

 

She looked up to find him looking at her with a quirked eyebrow and an amused expression on his face. “Inquisitor.”

 

“Commander,” she purred, causing the poor man to blush a bright red. 

 

He cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his neck. She grinned at her ability to make him so flustered with one word. Even after all this time it was still her favorite game to play.

 

“Care to join me?” She patted the ground beside her in invitation.

 

“I came to deliver this. It just came for you. I really should get back to work.” 

 

She took the letter he handed her and dragged him down with it. He landed on his ass with an “oomph” and she laughed at his expression. “Come now, Commander. I need a break and it looks like you need one as well.”

 

He grumbled but settled easily into her side anyway, wrapping his arm around her and pulling her head to his shoulder. She sighed in happiness. If anyone had told her months or even years ago that this relationship would be possible she would have laughed in their face. She was never so glad to be so wrong.

 

She opened the letter and scowled at the news. She crumpled the letter and tossed it away in disgust.

 

“That bad?” Cullen chuckled.

 

“My father and brother will be here...tomorrow.” She couldn’t help the dark tone that overtook her when she spoke of them. “Are we certain I can’t tell them to go fuck themselves?”

 

He snorted in surprise at her vehemence. He pulled her in closer and kissed the top of her head. “Don’t worry,” he whispered, “I will not allow them to harm you again. You have my word.”

 

She just nodded as they fell into a comfortable silence. She watched her people move about the castle yards and couldn’t help but smile as she spotted a group of children playing. They ran around with toy swords and shields and laughed and screamed as they fought imaginary battles. 

 

_ “For the Grey Wardens!” Alec called from his stick griffon. _

 

_ “For the Grey Wardens!” she echoed, following in his lead and she charged forward.  _

 

_ Her small legs ran as fast as the could as they took off into battle. Her white blond hair flew wildly around her head as she cut down invisible foes, roaring viciously with each killing blow. Alec flanked her, picking off hordes of darkspawn with his “bow”. _

 

_ His eyes shone with excitement and joy, his chestnut hair falling into his eyes. “We have them on the run!” He yelled triumphantly. _

 

_ She whooped with victory, turning to run back to her older brother and celebrate. _

 

_ “Archdemon!” Alec called. _

 

_ She turned quickly and spotted a new enemy on the field. Finley stood there with a play sword and a smirk on his face. It did not suit him, even then. It was too cruel to be playful. _

 

_ “Father sent me to fetch you, halfling.” He sneered. _

 

_ “Just because I’m small doesn’t mean I won’t kick your butt, Archdemon!” She yelled. _

 

_ He laughed hard. “And makes you think that, small one?” _

 

_ Before he could even speak she was moving, closing the distance before he knew what was happening. She slid and kicked his legs out from under him, knocking him to the ground. She kicked his sword from his hand and levelled hers at his throat, letting a snarl past her lips. He raised his arms in surprise and surrender.  _

 

_ “Remember this Fin,” Alec said as he joined them. “Though she may be but little, she is fierce. You shouldn’t underestimate her.” _

 

_ He clapped her on the shoulder and wrapped his arm around her and lead her away. “Well done, sis. You get the glory this time. Next time it’s mine.” _

 

“Shaelan?”

 

She had zoned out, lost in ghosts from the past. She turned to see Cullen looking at her in concern. 

 

She gave him a small, sad smile. “I’m fine.” She turned back to watch the children play. “Just reliving a happy memory.”

 

He gave her shoulder a small squeeze. “It’s okay to let yourself miss him.”

 

She took a deep breath to fight back the tears that wanted to fall. “He told me to be happy. Those were his last words to me. He was dying and he was more worried about my well-being.”

 

“He loved you.”  _ And so do I _ . She could imagine him adding to the end of that sentence. “You’ll find happiness again in time.”

 

She chuckled as she turned to gaze at him again. She put her hand on his cheek and traced his scar with her thumb. “Oh, you fool.” 

 

She leaned in and kissed him gently, sweetly. Trying to show him how much he meant to her with her lips alone. He responded in kind, licking his tongue across her mouth for permission. She let him in eagerly, pulling him closer. She could not get enough of him. They hadn’t touched like this since before Alec’s passing and she was starved for him.

 

He moaned against her lips as she dragged her tongue against his. He cupped her face with hands as he pulled back. His breathing was labored and pupils blown wide with desire. 

 

“Shae.” The way he said her name sent heat straight to her core. She wanted this. She wanted, no, needed him. 

 

“Cullen, I…”

 

“Inquisitor!” She wanted to scream at being interrupted.

 

A runner stopped before them and looked away quickly in embarrassment. “S-sorry for interrupting. Lady Montilyet would like you back to go over more for Halamshiral, Your Worship.”

 

She fought to keep frustration from her voice as she responded. “Tell her I’ll be there shortly.”

 

The poor boy could not run away fast enough. Cullen had his fists curled at his sides and his jaw was clenched, clearly as frustrated at she was at being interrupted. She grabbed his face and pulled him back in for one last breathtaking kiss, stunning both him and herself in the process.

 

“If you keep doing that, I’m not going to be able to stop,” He whispered in her ear.

 

She shivered at the sensation. She smirked, returning the favor. “Maybe I don’t want you to.”

 

His breath hitched. Success. “Maker’s breath, Shae.”

 

She pulled back then and stood. “I’ll see you tonight, Commander.”

 

She walked away, swaying her hips as seductively as she could. She heard a strangled curse as she reached the stairs to the kitchens. She just had to endure a few more hours before she could put the poor man and herself out of their misery.

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, possible smut ahead! You all will have to bear with me on that front. I have never written smut before and am very nervous to do so. I will do my best to not let you guys down. I know you guys have been looking forward to this just as much as I have and I want to do it justice.


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut ahead! If that's not really your thing you can skip this chapter. There's nothing in here that will effect the plot at all. Also this is my first time writing such a thing so have low expectations and be gentle haha
> 
> Also, here's a link to Shae's dress that is talked about in the first part if anyone is interested :)
> 
> https://www.pinterest.com/pin/267190190369113444/

She stormed out of Josephine’s office hours later. Everything had been going smoothly up until the point she was told of what her attire would be. There was no way she would be caught dead in what they had proposed. She was a soldier damn it! Not some Orlesian tart whose only use was eye candy.

 

She knew she was a sight to see as she stalked past the nobles to the safety of her rooms and hopefully an eagerly awaiting Commander. She hadn’t even given them time to take off the blasted thing before she took off. She thought the thing had been a joke, but when she saw how serious they were...well, the amount of expletives were far from polite conversation.

 

She huffed as she reached the top of the stairs and slammed the door behind her. Cullen was nowhere to be found, probably finishing up last minute paperwork before coming to see her. Honestly, after she had left him earlier she was slightly disappointed he wasn’t already here.

 

It was just as well. It gave her time to get out of this blasted thing and into something more comfortable. Like maybe those leathers she had been given when she first arrived in Haven. She smirked when she remembered Cullen’s expression when he first saw her in him. Oh yes, definitely those if she could ever get this blasted clasp undone.

 

She was almost successful when she heard the door shut behind her. She turned to see a flustered Cullen eyeing her.

 

“Maker’s Breath…” 

 

“Umm...hi,” she said. Hi? Really? That’s the best you could think of?

 

He cleared his throat. “Hi. You’re in a dress.”

 

She laughed wholeheartedly at his expression and statement. “Well spotted. I can see why you came highly recommended as Commander now.”

 

He huffed. “Hush you. It’s just, you look...,” he gulped as he took a step closer. “Sweet Andraste, are you trying to kill me?”   
  


She blushed brightly at the intense look of want on his face. “This is Josie’s outfit choice for the Winter Palace. I protested. I can’t fight an assassin in this.” And as she rambled he moved closer. Stalking toward her as if she were prey. Where did her awkward blushing Templar go?

 

She turned her face in embarrassment. “You really like it?”

 

He hummed in approval as he spun her around to face the mirror. He hugged her from behind as she watched their reflection. He was smirking, the smug, handsome bastard. “Shae, you look breathtaking. I feel unworthy to even be looking at you, let alone touching you.”

 

She rolled her eyes. “You’re more than worthy, you self-degrading ass.”

 

“Is it even possible to wear anything under that?” He whispered into her ear.

 

She grinned devilishly as she saw his pupils blown wide when she responded. “No. Would you like to see?”

 

He groaned against her shoulder. “Evil. You live to torture me, don’t me?”

 

She tilted her head as if thinking it over. He began peppering kisses down her jaw and throat as she did, sending jolts through her body. She closed her eyes and sighed at the feeling of lips against her skin. Yes, that was what she had been waiting on.

 

She hummed in pleasure as he took his time, memorizing every reaction she made. She all but groaned when he nipped at her ear, which were overly sensitive. He pulled her closer then, her back against the hard planes of his chest and abdomen. Shae could feel everything through the thin layer of her dress. Everything.

 

“Oh, I do believe it’s my life’s purpose,” she responded. And to prove her point, she brushed her backside against his growing erection causing him stifled a hiss by biting into her shoulder.

 

“That’s it. Off.” He began undoing the clasps at her back and she felt the dress begin to sag.

 

Her entire body felt flush with anticipation and something else. A little bit of fear seeped into her. What if he found her scars repelling? What if after he saw her he felt disgusted and walked away. 

 

After the last clasp was unfastened she took a deep hesitant breath and let the fabric fall. She clamped her eyes closed and waited. Moments of silence felt like minutes. A sense of dread filled her gut as second after second passed without noise, without even a touch...until he spun her around to face him. 

 

She kept her eyes closed, afraid to see the look in his eyes. His breathing quickened as she moved to cover herself. “No. Please don’t.”

 

She scrunched her forehead and lowered her arms again slowly. His lips touched each eyelid then, startling her. 

 

“Please look at me,” he whispered against her hair.

 

She blew out her nose and acquiesced. She stared at his chest, trying to distract herself. Cullen brought his hand underneath her chin and tilted her head back, forcing her to look at his face. She saw nothing there but pure adoration and it knocked the breath right out of her.

 

He chuckled softly at her expression. “You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. If you doubt that still, I haven’t done my job properly. I aim to fix that.”

 

She let a grin spread across her face as he began to nibble her ear. He moved down, kissing her jaw, her neck, and all the way her collarbone before stopped. “May I?”

 

His molten eyes melted the rest of her hesitation and nodded. He smiled brightly and wasted no time taking her right breast in his hand. He paused for only a moment before taking the other nipple into his mouth, sucking, teasing as she held onto his shoulders. Her knees began to feel like jelly at his ministrations. 

 

He laced one arm around her waist to keep her upright and pull her closer as he took her neglected nipple into his mouth. He groaned as she bucked against him. “Please…”

 

He looked up at her with a smirk. “Hmm? I don’t believe I heard that. Did the Inquisitor actually say please?”

 

Smug bastard. “You must be hearing things. I said no such thing,” She grumbled as she crossed her arms stubbornly.

 

“We’ll see about that,” he teased as he dropped to his knees. 

 

He ran his fingers over gently over the scars of her stomach. A gift from the high dragon in Crestwood. His tongue and lips replaced his fingers and ran them over every inch with tender devotion. It took everything in her not to let unshed tears fall. He wasn’t disgusted. He didn’t find them unattractive. Instead he worshipped them as he had the rest of her body.

 

“Oh.” She breathed.

 

He closed his eyes as he slid further, tracing each hip bone. Was he…? Her eyebrows shot up in surprise. He was. That was...well that was something she had never experienced before.

 

She gasped as ran his tongue tentatively along her slit. He glanced up her then. “Is this...um, is this okay?”

 

“No one has ever…” Shock fell over his face but he recovered quickly.

 

“Allow me the opportunity?” 

Words escaped her. She just nodded quickly before he lost his nerve. Needing no other indication he dove forward, taking her into his mouth fully. A blissful moan escaped her as he worshipped her clit. He was like a man starved, his tongue and lips devouring her in fervor while his eyes never left hers. Golden watched violet as she felt an all consuming heat begin to pool in stomach. Her fingers sank into his hair as much for support and to also bring him closer. He hummed against her, sending vibrations to her sensitive clit. Her knees began to buckle and he brought a free arm to grip her ass and keep her steady. 

 

His other hand found her entrance and single digit entered. Slowly and methodically, he slowly pumped it into her, adding to her heightened sensation. Her grip tightened as he picked up the pace, adding another finger to the mix. Tongue and fingers pleasured her expertly, hitting all the right places. She began to see spots in vision as the sensation began to overwhelm her.

 

“A-ah!”

 

He pulled back slightly at her outburst, watching her as he slowed his fingers to a torturous pace. She was so close. She just needed one last push. She needed him to go faster. She tried grind into him to make him continue but to no avail. She cried in frustration as he held her just before the point of breaking, not letting her cross the threshold.

 

She couldn’t take it any more. “Cullen, please! Plea--”

 

Her words were cut off as he smirked and recaptured her clit. His attentions returned tenfold. His fingers pumped frantically as he watched her begin to come undone. Heat coiled in gut and Shae blacked out from pure pleasure. She came hard as he continued to guide her through her orgasm. He pulled her higher and higher until she felt the familiar sensation rebuild. Quicker this time than the last. She came again and groaned as Cullen quirked his fingers inside her.

 

She cried out as it overtook her. Her fingers like a vice in his blonde hair. Finally, finally she came down from her high to find him watching her smugly. He stood, making sure she was watching sucking each finger clean. She’d be lying if that didn’t make her want to rip the clothes off of him. As it was…

 

Cullen captured her lips and the thought was lost.

 

“Inquisitor!” A knock at the door and a sound of footsteps coming up the stairs.

 

The pair broke and looked at each other. 

 

“Did you not lock the door?!” She whispered frantically.

 

She moved to find anything to cover her. Cullen was already ahead of her, throwing his fur coat over her shoulders. “I’m sorry, I may have been a little over-eager.” He winced as he helped secure his jacket around her.

 

She snorted as the same messenger who interrupted them earlier entered, oblivious and head in the report he was delivering. When he finally looked up he froze. Shae couldn’t help but snicker at the poor boy’s luck. Cullen on the other hand looked none too pleased at being interrupted.

 

* * *

 

Oh for the love of all that’s holy. Again? The same messenger interrupted them again. This was Leliana’s doing he just knew it. He would wring her neck if he found out she was doing this on purpose.

 

“Out. Now.” Cullen barked as the boy still stood gawking at the scene.

 

The intruder jumped and ran from the room and he followed, determined to make sure every damn door was closed and locked for the night. Things were going so well. The look on her face when he watched her come undone was enough to make him strain with want.

 

It took every ounce of restraint in him not to take her on her damn desk. He wanted to take his time, to worship her the way she deserved. But seeing her scantily clad in his coat were not helping in holding back.

 

He closed the final door and bolted it for good measure. He braced himself as he turned back around, only to find Shae with her head thrown back in full blown laughter. 

 

“Shae, it isn’t funny,” he huffed, trying to keep a smile from breaking onto his stern face.

 

He loved seeing her this way. So unabashedly happy. It made his heart soar that he could make her feel this way. She had been closed off since Alec had died, he thought he had lost her.

 

She snorted loudly. “Your face. The poor boy is going to have nightmares for weeks.”

 

He rolled his eyes as walked towards her. “And kitchen duty as well I think.”

 

“Now Cullen, don’t be too hard on him.” 

 

He closed the distance and wrapped his arms around her, happy to be able to touch her as he pleased. He kissed her forehead and pulled back. She still had a touch of mirth in her eyes and all it took was one look and she started giggling again.

There was only one way she was ever going to stop...so he kissed her, quickly and fully. It was enough to knock the wind out of her.

 

He picked her up then, giving her time to wrap her legs around his waist. And if that wasn’t the most amazing feeling yet, he did not know what was. He could feel her wet warmth as he walked them towards the bed. Shae had began unbuckling his armor expertly. Pieces hit the floor with a loud clang.

 

As roughly as he’d picked her up, he laid her down just as gently. She propped herself up on her elbows and watched him curiously as he began to undress. She had done most of the work for him. All that was left was his thin cotton shift and his lower half. 

 

His shirt came first and if her breath catching was any indication, she was just as struck by him as he was her. She sat up then and moved to the edge of the bed. He held perfectly still as she reached out to touch his bare chest.

 

Curious fingers explored every ridge, every valley. She left no territory unexplored in her search. She paused when she reached his shoulder, a look of pure pain and grief crossed her face. She lowered her mouth to the spot her dagger had struck. He shivered as she acknowledged one of deepest regrets.

 

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered against his shoulder.

 

He cupped her face and kissed her reverently. She owed him no apology. The fact that she even thought she did was more than he could bear. The kiss slowly turned into something hungry and desperate. It did not take long before all the passion that was on display before resurfaced.

 

His pants were quickly discarded along with his smalls and now he was just as nude as Shae. Her eyes were dark with want when she brushed her fingers against his straining cock. He hissed at the sensation as she began to pump him. He stopped her before their night ended too soon.

 

“But what about you? Do you not want me to return the favor?” Shae pouted as he removed her hand.

 

“It’s not that. It’s just it has been a long time, I would not want to disappoint you by finishing so early.” He reasoned.

 

She humphed and crossed her arms until a mischievous grin over covered her face. She reached out and touched him again, catching him off guard.

 

He caught her hand and brought it over her head, quickly adding the other to join it. He balanced himself above her on his other arm.

 

“You were made to test my limits, weren’t you?”

 

She rolled her hips up against his and caught his lower lip with her teeth. He bucked back in response.

 

“Temptress,” he growled between gritted teeth. He was doing his best not to lose all control but she was making it so bloody hard.

 

She just grinned wickedly at him. “And what are you going to do about it, Commander?”

 

His title rolled off her tongue like sin. In the next second he was pushing himself into her. Her eyes fluttered shut as she took him in. He was still for a few moments, allowing her to adjust to his size. When he began to feel her move against him he knew she was ready.

 

* * *

 

He felt so good. That was her only thought as he drove into her, control finally broken enough to give in. He stilled inside her and her hips began moving on their own accord. He began to move and it was like every prayer she had prayed had been answered. 

 

Bliss washed over her as he drove himself into her. In and out and in again and she met him every time. Soon his pace was not enough. She needed more. She grasped, she pawed, she did everything in her power to try to get him to move faster, harder against her. Nothing worked. He was determined to make this last as long as possible but that would just not do. Not now.

 

She hooked her legs around his and flipped him onto his back leaving her sitting astride him. His eyes snapped open in surprise. 

 

“Wha-”

 

She lowered herself back onto his cock and began to grind on him with a fervent roll of her hips. He moaned and threw his head back, resolved to letting her take what she wanted. His grip on her hips bordered painful but she no longer cared.

 

She was close, as was he, she could tell by the way his face scrunched. Her vision began to blur as her orgasm hit her. She screamed out in surprise at the intensity of it and she was soon joined by Cullen’s voice.

 

“Shaelan!” He came inside her, she could feel the pulsing as he spent his last inside her. 

 

She collapsed onto his chest and he wrapped his arms around her. They lay that way for what felt like ages, letting their breathing and heart rate return to normal. Finally, she rolled off of him but not far. She snuggled into the crook of his shoulder as he threw the blankets over them.

 

“Wow…” she murmured as kissed his chest.

 

He chuckled sleepily. “I agree. Worth the ten year wait?”

 

“Maker, yes,” she blurted.

 

He snorted at her quick answer and kissed the top of her head. She hummed happily as she felt herself begin to drift off in the warmth of his arms.

 

“Goodnight, Shae.”

 

“Goodnight…” she mumbled, half asleep already. 

 

_...vhenan. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *hides under the blankets in embarrassment and waits* So I was really anxious to write and post this. I hoped it lived up to your expectations!
> 
> Songs that helped keep me inspired for this chapter:
> 
> Don't Deserve You by Plumb  
> One Step Ahead by A Great Big World
> 
> They are very much Shae and Cullen and I kept them on replay


End file.
